Disintegration
by ciaddict
Summary: Sequel to Tremors. Continuing AU with Bobby/Annie, Mike/Sarah, Alex/Tom.
1. Chapter 1

**ANNIE**

**DISINTEGRATION**

**CHAPTER 1**

_Here we begin season 5 right where they began…with Grow. This chapter starts just before the episode and continues on through. We will be switching back and forth between Bobby and Annie, and Mike and Sarah._

_Thank you to my beta, Spook. And thank you to Judyg for the idea for the title._

Annie was breathing hard as she rounded the end of the high school football field on her last lap. It was August and still warm in the early evening. Sandy ran joyously ahead of her, barking and occasionally racing across the field after the birds that kept landing, looking for worms in the grass. There was a time when Bobby would have been with her, laughing as he jogged past her fast walk, with the children running around them or flopping on the grass to wait for them to finish. But running was out of the question for Bobby's knee these days. Occasionally he would join her on her walk, but usually he stayed home with the children.

He had gained quite a bit of weight in the year since injuring his knee and she knew that made it more difficult for him to get out and exercise. She doubted that he was even using the treadmill in his office very often. It was a vicious cycle; the knee injury made exercise painful, so he exercised less, which led to gaining weight, which made his knee hurt more, which made it difficult to exercise. It hadn't affected Annie's desire to have sex, but it seemed to make him reluctant. She wanted to talk to him about it, reassure him that she found him attractive. But she didn't know how to bring it up, and so she settled for simply trying to show him how she felt. His birthday was coming up later in the month. He would be forty-four, and she would follow him a couple of months later. She had joked with him that she resented him dragging her along behind him into their forties.

She finished her last lap and called to Sandy as she headed for the car. Back at the house, the boys were engrossed in a video game. When she finally got their attention long enough to ask where Ally and Bobby were, they told her Ally had gone out to the playhouse to read because she complained they were being too loud. They thought Daddy was in his office. Annie headed upstairs for a shower before starting dinner and was startled to find Bobby in the bedroom.

"The boys said you were in your office," she told him, a bit breathlessly. She was amazed that after nearly fourteen years of marriage, his smile was just as devastating as the first time she met him.

"Well, when they are playing games, I doubt that they would notice if I left the house….or if I brought a pony into the living room."

She laughed and Bobby reached out to pull her into his arms. She tried to move away, but he didn't release her.

"I'm all sweaty and smelly," she exclaimed. "Let me take a shower before you kiss me."

He ignored her protests and captured her mouth with his, while pulling her onto the bed. She giggled and squirmed as his hands slipped under her shirt and began to explore.

"The kids are just downstairs," she gasped.

He grinned down at her. "Ally's nose is in a book and Phillip and Andrew are being hypnotized by their video games. We've got time."

The giggling stopped when he began pulling her clothes off. Afterwards they showered together and dressed, going downstairs to find all three children still engaged in their respective activities. They vetoed votes for the boys to have dinner in front of the TV and for Ally to take her plate out to the playhouse.

Sitting at the table, Annie watched her family. Bobby and Ally were having an animated discussion about the book she was reading, while Phillip and Andrew were poking one another under the table and trying to sneak bites to Sandy. It was all so beautifully perfect that she couldn't breathe for a moment. Bobby glanced up and caught the gleam of tears in her eyes. He smiled that same devastating smile before going back to his conversation with Ally.

******************************************************************

Bobby lay awake with Annie curled up against him, fast asleep. Although they had engaged in a "quickie" after Annie returned from her walk, when he came to bed very late that night she had rolled towards him and whispered, "Speak German to me, Bobby." This was Annie's code for wanting to make love. He found it amusing that she found his German so sexy, although she had no idea what he was saying. He had joked more than once that for all she knew he could be reciting the shopping list. He had even tested his theory on a few occasions and it was true; it didn't matter if he was making up inane sentences, telling her how beautiful she was, or even using the dirty words he had learned…she found it all stimulating. She just laughed and said it was the sound of his voice forming the words that was so enticing to her.

He envied her ability to fall asleep quickly and soundly at almost any time of day or night. When she was pregnant with Ally, her family had joked that he would need to be the one getting up with the baby in the middle of the night because Annie slept so soundly that she would never hear the baby cry. That had turned out not to be true. She still slept soundly (and as often as possible), but from the moment Ally was born, her children's cries or voices were the one thing guaranteed to awaken her instantly.

Bobby was wide awake tonight and knew it was unlikely that he would get much more than an hour or two of dozing in. He was tempted to get up and go downstairs to read, but he was reluctant to move or reposition his sleeping wife. So he stayed where he was, enjoying the feel of her limp body against him. He was well aware of the changes in his body over the last year and knew that Annie must be aware of them as well. But it didn't seem to have affected her libido at all. He smiled as that thought came to him. Her face was so open and expressive that he had always been able to tell what she was thinking. When he caught her watching him these days, her face only showed….desire.

He missed talking to Annie, really talking to her. He wanted to tell her that Frank had contacted him, asking for money. He was gambling again…and probably using as well. Bobby didn't ask this time, simply told him he couldn't help him. So Frank went to their mother and she had asked, begged, him to help Frank. When he refused, she became angry and now barely spoke to him when he visited. This was exactly the kind of situation that Annie had always been so good at diffusing. But to talk to her now would only cause her to want to "fix" it, and he knew that she couldn't. Not anymore, not the way his mother felt about her. It was better to just keep quiet about the whole thing.

Mom at least managed not to argue with him in front of the children. She talked to them and seemed to enjoy having them visit. He wondered if they picked up on the tension. Probably. He wondered if they said anything to their mother about Grandma being mad at Daddy. Probably not. They knew the situation between their grandmother and their mother; he doubted that they ever talked about their visits with their mother.

He sighed. He had grown up being careful about what he said and to whom. Mention his father to his mother and she flew into a rage that often ended with him crawling around on the floor, looking for imaginary bugs. Mention his mother to his father and there would be a tirade about how crazy she was. This wasn't the kind of childhood he wanted for his own children…always measuring what they could say, always trying to protect one parent or the other.

His silence about his mother and his brother had begun to bleed over into a reluctance to talk to Annie about his work, something else he missed. Just as he and Eames used one another as sounding boards for evidence and information, working through to find the clues that would lead to an arrest, he had always used Annie as a sounding board to work through the emotional impact of so many of their cases. But since a lot of that was related to his childhood and his relationships with his family, it was just easier not to bring it up at all.

Annie murmured softly in her sleep, shifting slightly. He threaded his fingers through her long, blonde hair and let the strands slip through, relishing the silken feel as they slid against his skin. People seemed to think he was such an expert in human behavior, but he had no answers for his own marriage, his own family. One thing he understood, though; he loved this woman sleeping in his arms and he had no doubt about her love for him. _Was the song right,_ he wondered. _Is love all we need?_ He chuckled suddenly and Annie stirred again, then settled back to sleep. _I must be tired if I'm looking to the Beatles for advice._ He pulled Annie closer and buried his face in her hair. Closing his eyes, he pushed away his worries and disturbing thoughts and drifted to sleep thinking only about Annie.

******************************************************************

"So are you nervous," Sarah asked.

"Nah…" Sarah smiled and Mike grinned at her and gave a slight shrug. "Maybe just a little."

They were waiting for the waitress to bring their breakfast orders. Sarah had insisted on taking him to breakfast on his first day at Major Case. She dropped Jia Li at her mother's earlier than usual and met Mike at a diner that was situated half-way between her library and One Police Plaza. The waitress set their plates in front of them. Sarah noticed that Mike didn't seem as hungry as usual.

"You're going to do great, you know. And," she added with a smile, "you won't have to take the ferry when you want to have lunch with me now."

Mike looked at her with a serious expression and reached across the table to take her hand.

"You know, Sarah…the kind of cases they get at Major Case…I don't know that I'm going to be around 1 PP all that often. I may not be able to drop in for lunch too often."

"I was kidding Logan," Sarah laughed and laced her fingers through his, reached across to catch his other hand as well. "You really are going to do great. This Captain….Deakins…he must think a lot of you and your record to get you in his squad."

Mike closed his eyes for a moment and shook his head disbelievingly. "Lieutenant Van Buren tried several times to get me back to the 2-7 and couldn't. I don't even want to think about the strings Deakins had to pull to get me here." He looked at her somberly. "I owe the guy a lot. I just hope…." He trailed off.

"You won't let him down," Sarah insisted. "If your former lieutenant and now the captain both think you are a good cop, there has to be a reason for that. Maybe," she said with a glimmer of humor, "it's because you really are a good cop."

Mike glanced at his watch. "Yeah, well…I better get going or this good cop is going to be late on his first day. That would make a great impression on Deakins."

Sarah laughed and grabbed the check before Mike had a chance to reach for it. "I told you this is my treat…hands off, Detective."

Mike walked Sarah to her car. Pausing on the sidewalk, Mike suddenly pulled her into his arms and captured her mouth with his for a long, passionate kiss. Sarah was breathless and speechless when he finally raised his head and looked down at her.

"Thank you," he said huskily.

"For what," she whispered.

"For being my cheering squad." He kissed her again quickly and then escorted her around to the driver's side. After she was inside and the door was closed, Mike leaned his hands against the window for a brief moment before nodding to her and walking down the street to where his car was parked.

******************************************************************

"Today was Mike Logan's first day," Annie said. "How did he do?"

She and Alex were having dinner after going to the gym. Alex grinned.

"OK. He was tied to the captain's apron strings all day."

"What do you mean?"

"Deakins had Logan going over manuals, procedures, stuff like that. The desk he gave him is this little, rickety thing right outside Deakins' office."

"Sounds like a kid in school being sent to sit in the corner," Annie mused.

"Yeah…kind of the same thing," Alex told her.

"But why? The captain wanted Logan, didn't he?"

"Sure, he wanted him. In fact, he said he had to use some favors to get him to Major Case."

"So why the short leash?"

Alex shrugged. "Logan's got a reputation as a good cop, a good homicide detective…and as a hothead. If he goes off after the captain went to bat for him, it'll be bad for Deakins. He's just being cautious."

"Hmm…Cops…" Annie said with a smile. "You really do have your own culture, don't you?" Alex laughed with her. "He didn't happen to mention if he's still with Gina, did he?"

"No, it didn't come up," Alex said with a slight frown at the turn in the conversation. "Why?"

"Oh…nothing. It's a moot point now. I was just thinking it might be nice for Mike to meet Sarah."

"Sarah? Captain Deakins' niece? Well, I'm sure they will meet one of these days. She comes in to take the captain to lunch once in a while. And the Deakins' invite people from the squad over to their house. But why Sarah," she asked. Alex was well aware of Annie's matchmaking tendencies, having been a target on a few occasions. "Mousy, quiet, librarians don't really seem like Logan's type."

Annie laughed. "Mousy and quiet do not describe Sarah! She's funny and smart and pretty and…."

"Well-read," Alex interrupted with a laugh.

"Yes, that too," Annie agreed. "Anyway, it doesn't matter. I told Sarah not too long ago that there was someone I thought she might like to meet. She said she's dating someone."

"Ah....so Logan is safe for now," Alex teased.

"For now," Annie said with a chuckle.

They chatted as they ate their food, talking about children, work, family. As they were leaving the restaurant to head to their respective cars, Alex stopped and asked with a serious expression, "How…How is Bobby?"

"He's fine." Annie looked at Alex suspiciously. "Why?" She was curious why Alex would ask how he was when she saw him every day at work.

Alex shook her head. "No reason…it's just that…a while back, right after we arrested Frank Adair, we met for drinks one day…and Bobby was…well, he was kinda drunk."

"Drunk? At a bar?" Annie smiled at her.

"Yeah, I know. It's silly. But I was late getting there and he…was already drunk when I got there. It just seemed like something was bothering him, but he didn't say anything. He hasn't mentioned his mother or his brother lately. Is everything OK with them?"

Alex regretted the question as soon as it was out of her mouth. She saw the hurt flash across Annie's face. So there was something going on with his family. But Annie was obviously not going to talk about it, either.

"As far as I know, everything is fine," she said, trying to look neutral and failing. "Bobby…well, he didn't really talk about it much, but I know that case bothered him a lot. He was probably just trying to relieve the stress. He's been fine."

Alex didn't know what to do to ease the discomfort they were both obviously feeling now, so she just said, "Good. Well. I better get going. See you next week?"

Annie nodded. "Next week." Without warning she suddenly reached out and hugged Alex. "Thanks for being such a good partner to him," she whispered before releasing her and hurrying down the street to her car.

Alex watched her for a moment. She berated herself all the way back to her car. This was the reason she and Annie had an unspoken agreement not to talk about Bobby, but tonight Alex had broken that agreement. She didn't know what was going on with her partner, but obviously his wife was concerned as well.

******************************************************************

"Nicole Wallace?" Annie blinked, then turned to stare at Bobby. "You have _got_ to be kidding me. Nicole Wallace is back?"

Bobby nodded and watched Annie's face. They were in Bobby's Mustang, driving home from the shooting range, following Annie's monthly target practice. Bobby and Alex had discovered Nicole working in the library of a college while investigating the murder of a health inspector. They arrested her and took her in for questioning. He had wanted to wait to tell Annie about Nicole because target practice was always difficult for her. She didn't like handling the gun, hated shooting it. But he insisted that once a month she practice loading and shooting his gun. He felt it was important for her to be familiar with the gun, although it was kept in a lock box while at home. So, although it wasn't the best time to give her the bad news, he wanted to tell her about Nicole while they were alone.

She sighed wearily and asked, "So who has she killed this time?"

"A health inspector. She is seeing the brother of the inspector, a widower with a little girl. We think she also killed his wife."

"Wonderful. But she's in jail now? She won't get out?"

"No. When she is arraigned, Carver will ask for remand." Bobby took her hand and brought it to his lips, while keeping his eyes on the road. "We don't have enough to charge her with either of these murders yet. But she'll be arraigned for the murder of the girl she was with last time, the one she taught to steal. And Australia should be seeking extradition soon for the murder of her daughter. She's not getting out," Bobby said confidently.

******************************************************************

Mike pushed his food around on his plate with his fork, as Sarah watched. They were having lunch, but Mike wasn't eating very much.

"Don't like the food," Sarah asked with a smile.

He looked up at her and shrugged. "It's been two weeks and Deakins has me doing 'gofer' stuff. Filing, running down reports from the ME or CSU…you know, for the _real _detectives." He sighed and gave her a smile. "He doesn't trust me."

"That can't be true, Mike. You said yourself that it must have taken some effort for him to get you transferred."

"Maybe he's regretting it now."

"I don't believe that. He just doesn't have a partner for you yet. What about the other detectives? Have you talked to any of them?"

"Oh sure…when they send me off to chase down a report for them," Mike told her sarcastically. He sighed. "Seriously, though, they are all OK. I've worked with Goren and Eames once before. My first week, I kind of stepped on their toes, asked one of their suspects some questions. But they seemed OK with it, appreciated the answers I got from him."

Sarah propped her elbow on the table and leaned her cheek against her hand. "It's going to get better, Mike."

"Yeah."

As he walked her back to the library, Sarah wondered if she should mention that Captain Deakins was her uncle. She had wanted to wait until Uncle Jimmy and Mike had time to get to know one another, to develop a working relationship. But she hated seeing Mike discouraged like this. What she wanted more than anything was to confront her uncle…._and tell him what, _she wondered. _Be nice to my boyfriend?_

"What are you smiling about?" Mike's voice brought her back to the present.

"You," she said, turning to look up at him. "Thinking about you always makes me smile."

He grinned at her and dropped a light kiss on her nose. "I haven't been very good company lately," he said with a sigh. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be. You're always good company…even when you are in a bad mood."

He reached around and gently tugged on her pony tail. "See you this weekend?"

She nodded. "Jia Li has a birthday party to go to on Sunday. But we can do something Saturday night."

"OK. Saturday night. We'll do….something." She blushed at his innuendo, just as he had hoped she would. Kissing her quickly, Mike said, "I better go. I'm sure Deakins has something for me to file. I'll call you tonight."

******************************************************************

Annie was vigorously vacuuming the living room carpet, lost in thought as Sandy danced around her, barking. It was her day off and the children were in school. The house had been thoroughly scrubbed as she tried to find a way to release her angry energy. Earlier in the week Nicole Wallace had been released on bail following her arraignment. An arraignment that Bobby had assured Annie would result in Nicole being remanded to custody without bail. But somehow her lawyer had managed to convince the judge to let her have bail, and her fiancé had posted it. How did she always manage to find loopholes to slip through?

Nicole on the loose meant long hours for Bobby and Alex as they tried to find the evidence they needed to put her away. Even when he was home, he stayed down in his office going over files, reading, searching the internet, trying to find something, anything, that would close the net around Nicole. Annie didn't understand just what it was about the blonde serial killer that captivated Bobby's complete attention. Was it that she always got away, that she was one "perp" he could never seem to put away? Or was it, as Nicole liked to insinuate whenever she played her little games with Annie, because he was—in some perverse way—attracted to her? Whatever it was, Annie was tired of Nicole Wallace and her intrusion into their lives.

She was so wrapped up in her thoughts, and the noise of the vacuum was so loud, that it took several minutes before she realized that Sandy was no longer chasing the vacuum cleaner and barking at it. She was barking at the front door. Annie hadn't heard the doorbell, but the dog had. She turned off the vacuum just as it rang again. She wondered how long the person had been standing there as she crossed the living room.

"Sit Sandy," she commanded the dog as she reached to open the door. She stood speechless, staring, unable to believe who was standing there.

"Hello Annie. Aren't you going to invite me in?"

**End Chapter 1**

12


	2. Chapter 2

**DISINTEGRATION**

**CHAPTER 2**

_We are still in the time frame of the episode Grow. I thought we would be visiting Mike and Sarah, but Bobby and Annie took up all my time for this one!_

_Thank you Spook, as always, for being such a great beta!_

_**Mature theme warning:**__ The last scene is more explicit than I usually post and you should skip it if you are not comfortable. _

"Hello Annie. Aren't you going to invite me in?"

"Of course I'm not going to invite you in, Nicole." She wished she could control the slight quaver in her voice. It was always an unwelcome shock when Nicole Wallace made contact with her, but this was the first time she had come to their home. Although she had never overtly threatened Annie, it was unsettling to realize she was in the presence of someone who killed without qualms.

"You silly goose!" Nicole's laugh was merry. The thought crossed Annie's mind that it was a laugh she would have found enchanting…if she didn't know who it belonged to. "I know all about your trips to Connecticut with the children…Bobby's efforts to protect you all from me, I suppose. Don't you think that if I were capable of doing the things Bobby has accused me of, and if I really wanted to harm you or your children…well, wouldn't I have done it already?"

"So you're asking me to trust you?"

"Really, Annie, I just want to talk." Nicole slipped past Annie into the house. Seeing Sandy sitting there, she leaned down to pet the dog's golden head and exclaimed, "Oh my! Aren't you lovely?!" Sandy stayed sitting as she had been ordered, but her tail beat rapidly on the floor, ecstatic to have an admirer.

_So much for dogs being excellent judges of character,_ Annie thought wryly. She wasn't sure what to do now that Nicole was inside her home. Should she try to throw her out? She knew from what Bobby had told her about Nicole's victims that becoming physical with her would be a mistake. Should she run out of the house and call for help? As disconcerting as it was to be in Nicole's presence, she just didn't feel as though she was in danger. _Although, _she thought, _I wonder how many of her victims felt they were in danger….before it was too late._

She opted to leave the front door open and moved into the living room, making sure Nicole wasn't between her and the door. Sandy was watching her with pitiful eyes, tail wagging, and faint whimpers coming from her as she begged to move. Annie took pity on her and gave the command to "Release". Sandy immediately followed Nicole as she moved around the living room, looking at the décor, the knickknacks, the pictures. _Traitor_, Annie wanted to tell the dog.

"Your children are beautiful, you know," Nicole said as she picked up a picture of the three children. "Andrew and Phillip look like carbon copies of their father, don't they? I believe they have a birthday coming up in a few days." Her voice was soft and thoughtful as she traced a finger over the images of the twins. Annie resisted a strong urge to rip the picture from her hands. "And Ally…well, she looks just like you. She's twelve now, right?" Nicole looked up and smiled at the expression on Annie's face. "Birth certificates _are_ public information, you know. Don't look so frightened, Annie. I don't wish any harm to your children. In fact, under other circumstances, I would suggest getting your daughter and my stepdaughter together. They are close in age and I think they would get along famously." Annie didn't answer and Nicole sighed. "But, of course, these aren't _other_ circumstances, are they? I assume Bobby told you about my fiancé and my stepdaughter…hasn't he?"

_The stepdaughter he thinks you are planning to murder?_ Annie didn't say the words; she just nodded silently.

"Ah…I see Bobby has told you his ridiculous theory about my plot to murder my family. He's wrong, Annie. Nothing could be further from the truth."

Annie frowned slightly as the teasing, superior attitude that Nicole always had towards her in these encounters seemed to fade away. For a moment Annie found herself almost believing her…wanting to believe her. She finally found her voice and asked, "What do you want, Nicole?"

Nicole shrugged, then waved her hand. "I wanted to see what Detective Robert Goren comes home to every night…besides the devoted little woman, that is. He has a lovely life here, doesn't he? A wife who adores him, three beautiful children, a nice home with a nice mortgage, two cars, even the faithful dog." Nicole sat down on the couch and patted Sandy's head. "It's not exactly the sort of home that he grew up in, now is it?"

"No, it isn't." Annie sat down, perching on the edge of the chair, afraid to sit back and relax as Nicole seemed to be doing.

"But he overcame his childhood to create a new life for himself, didn't he?"

"I don't know that he 'created a new life'. His family is still a part of who he is," Annie said thoughtfully. "He didn't…eliminate the life he had. He just chose a different way to live."

"Ahhh…..and do you think that if you only keep the house clean enough, and the children obedient enough, and your sex life interesting enough…that you can keep him from repeating the patterns he learned from his father?"

"I try to make my husband happy because I love him. He isn't his father and he isn't repeating any patterns."

"And it doesn't bother you that once again he is obsessed with destroying yet another relationship for me? Surely you can see it. My ex-husband, Ella, and now Evan and Gwen." She leaned forward earnestly. "Face it, Annie, your husband just cannot bear to see me happy in a relationship with someone else. He will do anything to make sure no one else can have me." She smiled. "That seems like strange behavior for a happy family man, don't you think?"

"It's not so strange for a cop to try to prevent you from victimizing any more of your…..true loves."

Nicole looked at her contemplatively. Annie waited for the next insinuation, the next attack…but Nicole abruptly changed the subject.

"You know, this life you and Bobby have built here…this domesticity…it's the kind of life I am trying to build for myself…and my new family."

"Really," Annie said skeptically.

"So you don't believe me any more than Bobby does. It seems to me that when I read about that terrible attack that happened to you a few years ago, it said that you were working in the soup kitchen of your church at the time."

"Yes…." Annie said, not wanting to discuss that day with this woman.

"You go to church…believe in the Bible."

"Yes." She was curious where Nicole was going with this.

"You believe in redemption and changed lives and all that rubbish, yes?"

"Yes."

"But your husband doesn't. Does his cynicism bother you?"

Annie found herself smiling. "Not at all, because he isn't cynical. Bobby may have a different view of God than I do, but he does believe in redemption and changed lives." She held Nicole's gaze. "I think what he has trouble believing is the sincerity of…some….people claiming to want to change."

"And you don't doubt anyone's sincerity?"

"Sure I do. But I realize that only God can know a person's heart, and it's not for me to judge. The only thing we humans can judge is the…outward expression of a changed life."

Annie was not prepared for the turn the conversation had taken. It was bizarre to be sitting in her comfortable living room, discussing spirituality with a serial killer. Annie tried to read the expression on Nicole's face as they stared at one another, but she couldn't.

"You believe that your god can redeem anyone?"

"Yes."

"Even a murderer?"

"Even a murderer."

"And just like that, all his or her sins are forgiven and forgotten."

"By God, yes."

"By God….but not by people?"

"Not always…being forgiven by God doesn't mean there aren't consequences for our actions here and now."

"Ahhh…." Nicole smiled triumphantly. "There it is…the loophole you religious fanatics use to explain why your god is actually powerless to change anything."

Annie leaned back in the chair and smiled at her. She folded her arms and said, "He's not powerless, Nicole. But we can't always understand His ways. He doesn't always choose to change our circumstances, but He will always change us…if we truly want to change, which will change how we react to our circumstances. And that makes all the difference."

Nicole chuckled. "Now what, _Sister Annie_? Are you going to lead me in the 'sinner's prayer' so you can save my soul?"

"If you want…yes."

"And I'll join your church, we'll become best friends, and work side by side serving the poor?"

"Maybe not serving the poor…but I'm sure there will be a good prison ministry you can get involved in."

Now Nicole laughed outright. "Oh Annie, you are _too_ amusing! Well," she said, standing up, "this has been fun, but I should be going now. I'm sure you will need to pick your children up from school soon." She looked at Annie, her face serious for a moment. "And I need to pick up my daughter, as well."

Annie stood and followed her to the door, where Nicole paused and turned back to face her.

"Good bye Annie."

"Good bye Nicole."

******************************************************************

"She was here?!" Bobby looked at her with disbelief. "Nicole was in our house?"

"In our house, in our living room, petting our dog, and looking at pictures of our children."

Annie had waited until the children were in bed to tell him about Nicole's visit, knowing that Bobby was going to be upset. She had judged his reaction correctly.

"And you're telling me this _now_? You should have called me immediately." He paced around the kitchen, touching the items on the counters, rearranging the canisters, coffee maker, blender, then moving them back in place.

"And what would you have done," Annie asked softly.

"Contact Carver to have her bail revoked. She threatened a police officer's wife! I'm going to call him first thing in the morning." He brushed his hand over the back of his neck. "Why would you let her in?"

"_Let_ her?! How was I supposed to keep her out? Tackle her?"

"You should have called 911."

Annie sighed. "Bobby…."

"You and I are going first thing in the morning to buy a gun for you."

"A gun?!" She was confused by the sudden shift in the conversation. "What are you talking about?"

"A gun…something smaller than mine, easier for you to handle….something you can carry in your purse. I'll get the paperwork expedited for a permit to carry a concealed weapon." Annie stared at him with her mouth open. "It won't be hard. You're a cop's wife; you've been threatened by a suspect."

"Bobby…I am not going to carry a gun!"

"Yes you are," he told her firmly, raising his voice.

She folded her arms and glared back at him. "No I am not," she said, with equal volume.

"This isn't up for discussion, Annie."

"You're right, it isn't up for discussion. You know better than anyone how hard it is for me just to handle your gun once a month. I'm not going to have one in my purse, where the kids might find it…or one of Janey and Rob's kids. It's too dangerous."

"It's too dangerous for you to have no way to protect yourself," he shouted. "And no way to protect the kids. Have you thought about that? What if the kids are home the next time she shows up? Are you telling me that you wouldn't shoot her to protect the kids?"

"I'm not going to debate hypothetical situations with you," she yelled back. "The truth is that a gun in my purse or in my hands is more of a danger to me…and to the kids…than it is to Nicole Wallace. I am telling you that _I will not carry a gun_!"

"Other cops' wives do this all the time!"

"_Other_ cops' wives do…..but you aren't married to any of them! You're married to me and you knew before you married me how I felt about guns."

"And _you_ knew that I was in the Army! You knew I planned to go into law enforcement. You knew my life would involve guns."

"I knew your _work_ would involve guns! But _I_ am your life; the kids are your life. And guns have no place in _this_ part of your life!"

"You don't get it, Annie! My work, my family….it's all interconnected. That should be very clear to you since a murderer dropped by _our home_ today! _I have to keep my family safe!_"

"Not by sticking a gun in my hand! What's next? The kids? You can't be with them every minute. I can't be with them every minute. Are we going to arm them when we send them off to school in the mornings?"

"Alright," he said angrily. "Alright! Then you and the kids are going to Connecticut first thing in the morning."

She took a deep breath and tried to lower her voice. "No we aren't."

"Damn it, Annie!"

"I'm not running anymore. Nicole already knows where we go. If she really wants to hurt me or the kids, going to Grandpa's isn't going to stop her."

"Then what do you suggest we do?" His voice was still loud, still laced with frustration and anger.

"Trust God," she said simply.

Bobby swore, then said contemptuously, "_That's_ your solution? Pray for protection? Ask God to surround you with angels? I have news for you, Annie…..people are murdered every day, whether they are Christians or not. Your faith doesn't give you some invisible force field."

She didn't answer and they stood facing each other in silence for several long moments. Bobby dropped into one of the chairs, suddenly feeling exhausted. He leaned his elbows on the table and rested his head in his hands.

"I don't know what to do," he said wearily.

Annie moved to stand behind him, leaned down and wrapped her arms around his shoulders, her cheek against his. For several minutes they didn't move, didn't speak. Finally he took hold of her arm and pulled her around to straddle his lap. He wrapped his arms around her waist and buried his face against her. Annie put her arms around his shoulders and laid her cheek against his dark curls.

"I don't know what to do," he whispered again.

She kissed the top of his head and said softly, "If you want to keep your family safe, I have a suggestion."

He raised his head and looked at her. "What's that?"

"Put Nicole Wallace in jail," she said with a smile.

"Now why didn't I think of that?" He closed his eyes and rested his forehead against hers for a moment. Raising his head to look at her again he said, "I thought you believed in the whole 'wives submit to your husbands' thing."

"I do." She grinned at him. "But I get a special dispensation when my husband is being unreasonable."

He laughed softly. "So anytime I disagree with you, I'm being unreasonable…and you don't have to submit?"

She giggled. "Something like that."

Holding his face between her hands she softly kissed his lips, his nose, his cheeks, his eyes, then back to his mouth. She parted his lips with her tongue and explored his mouth. He sighed as the kiss ended.

"OK, so what did Nicole want?"

"Oh, you know…the usual." Imitating Nicole's accent, she said, "Don't bother hiding from me because I know how to find you and your children. Bobby is a product of his childhood and will leave you just as his father left his mother. He is secretly in love with me and wants to destroy anyone that I fall in love with in order to have me all to himself. You aren't woman enough to keep him away from me."

"Is _that_ all?" Bobby smiled and kissed her.

"Actually….no, it isn't." He looked at her curiously. "She talked about this perfect family life you have and how she just wants to be left alone so she can have the same thing. And…."

"And," he prompted.

"And….she asked what I believe about God and redemption and whether it's possible for people to really change. It was very…..surreal."

"I bet. So what did you tell her?"

"I told her that I believe God can change anyone….if they truly want to be changed. I sort of lost her when I said that even when God forgives, we still have to face consequences for our actions."

Bobby gave a snort of derision. "Yeah, Nicole isn't really the 'I did the crime, I'll do the time' kind of girl." He looked at Annie closely. "You know she was just toying with you, right? Playing some kind of mind game with you."

"Yes, I know," she said thoughtfully.

"But?"

"But….well, I think there was a part of her…a small part, maybe….that was….sincerely looking for answers." She looked at him tentatively, waiting for his reaction.

"You think she wants to change? That she has changed?"

"I don't know," Annie said with a shrug. "I don't know what's in her heart. But she asked me what I believe and I told her."

"Were you trying to convert her," he asked with a smile.

"Well, sure I was….that's what we crazy religious fanatics do, you know."

"I suppose you're going to tell me that you and Nicole Wallace held hands and sang 'Kumbaya'."

Annie laughed. "Yes we did. But she sang off key."

He hugged her to him as they laughed together. He kissed her; a long, deep kiss that left her breathless.

"Let's go to bed, Babe," she whispered.

Bobby kept his arm around her as they moved through the kitchen and the living room, turning off lights, checking the locks. They left Sandy curled up in her bed in the kitchen and headed up the stairs….only to find all three children sitting at the top of the stairs.

"You were yelling," Ally said accusingly.

"Did we wake you," Annie asked.

Phillip nodded his head, while Ally answered. "Yes….because you were yelling. Again."

"We're sorry, kids," Bobby told them. "Mom and I were arguing….but it's over. We made up."

Andrew said hesitantly, "You guys argue a lot."

Annie moved to the top of the stairs as Phillip and Andrew stood up. She put an arm around each of them. "Yeah, sometimes we argue a lot. People do that. But then," she said with a smile, "Daddy realizes he is wrong and it's all over." The boys both laughed, but Ally turned to glare up at her.

"It's not funny," she shouted and burst into tears.

Bobby dropped down to sit next to Ally and pulled her onto his lap. She wrapped her arms around his neck and buried her face against his chest as she sobbed. Annie kissed the boys on their foreheads and sent them back to bed. She sat down next to Bobby, squeezing herself between him and the wall. Ally cried and Bobby just rocked her until the tears slowed and she took a couple of deep, hiccupping breaths. Finally she was quiet in his arms, cheek against his chest.

"Hey," he said, "better now?" She nodded her head, eyes still closed. "You know your Mom and I love you, right?" She nodded again. "And you know that I love your Mom and she loves me, right?" Ally silently shrugged her shoulders. "Well, I'm telling you that we do love each other very much. You fight with your brothers sometimes, but it doesn't mean you don't love them or that they aren't your brothers, right?" Another nod. "It's the same for Mom and me. Sometimes we fight, sometimes we yell. But we love each other and we are still a family. Understand?'" Another nod and another hiccup as she took a breath. "OK, then, you should get to bed."

Ally sat up and started to move off her father's lap, when he pulled her against him and hugged her tightly. "Night Sweetheart," he said, kissing her forehead.

"Night Daddy," she said in a tremulous voice. She leaned over to hug Annie and said, "Night Mom."

"Good night Sweetie." Annie kissed her cheek and watched as she stood, stepped between her parents and walked to her bedroom. Bobby reached his arm around her and pulled her against him. She laid her head on his shoulder and they sat for a long time, listening to their children settling down, the whispers of the boys faded and then the house was silent. Standing up, Bobby took her hand and pulled her up.

In their bedroom, Bobby locked the door and moved to sit on the side of the bed, watching Annie as she changed into pajamas and got ready for bed. He was still sitting in the same spot when she came out of the bedroom.

"Ally has been awfully moody lately. And she hasn't played in that playhouse for years, but suddenly she's in there with her books every day and won't let the boys in; she doesn't even want me in there, says she wants to be alone. What do you think is going on with her?"

Annie smiled as she looked at her husband, surprised that he hadn't guessed….being the student of human behavior that he was.

"Well," she said slowly, "I think its hormones."

Bobby looked up at her. "Hormones?"

"Um……..yeah…you know, puberty."

"Pub….you mean…has she started menstruating?" Annie tried not to laugh at the incredulous look on his face.

"Not yet. But judging from her mood swings, I would say it's going to be soon."

"But….she's only…she's just a little girl!"

Annie knelt on the floor in front of him and took his big hands in hers. "She's twelve…the same age I was when I started."

"But…I'm not ready!"

Now Annie couldn't contain her laughter. "Well, my love, from what I remember of the human reproduction classes I took in school, I don't think that the father's readiness or unreadiness plays any part in the process."

He smiled at her and cupped her cheek with his hand. "I guess if Nature waited for fathers to be ready, girls would never enter puberty."

"No doubt," Annie said, laughing harder.

"Hey, how does laughing at your husband fit into this whole 'submit to your husband' thing?"

Annie laughed even harder. "Oh, I'm allowed to laugh when my husband is being silly!"

"Uh huh! So, you don't have to submit when I'm being unreasonable or when I'm being silly. There sure seem to be a lot of loopholes there." He grinned down at her.

Her eyes widened with feigned innocence and she shrugged her shoulders. "Well, I don't make the rules. I just interpret them."

She squealed with laughter when he suddenly caught her around the waist, lifted her onto the bed, and rolled over on top of her.

"Alright. Now, _Wife_….it's time to _submit_ to your husband."

******************************************************************

Bobby kissed her, pinning her legs under his as he slipped his left hand under her shirt. She gasped against his mouth when he curled his hand around her breast and slid his thumb across her nipple. She wriggled beneath him as he continued playing with her breast, her fingers digging into his back through his shirt. His mouth held hers captive and she moaned softly. He pushed his left knee between her legs and she thrust against him. He withdrew his hand from under her shirt and she groaned softly in disappointment. Bobby raised himself above her and straddled her hips as he pulled her shirt up over her head and off. He caught her wrists in one hand while they were still above her head and reached over to the night stand for his hand cuffs. He grinned at her as he expertly slipped one cuff around her wrist, threaded the other one through the headboard and clicked it around her other wrist.

"Just making sure there aren't any more 'loopholes' to this whole submissive thing," he said softly and leaned down to kiss her, his hands on the bed on either side of her head. He kept from touching her naked upper body as he continued to kiss her, thrusting his tongue into her mouth, drawing her tongue into his. She arched, trying to find contact for her suddenly sensitive skin. He chuckled against her mouth as he denied her that contact.

"Please, Bobby," she whispered.

He captured her face between his hands and held her still as he trailed kisses over her face. He gently tugged her earlobe between his teeth and whispered, "Please what?"

"Please….." She tried to arch against him, tried to wiggle her legs apart. But they were held tightly together by his muscular thighs. "Please……touch me…." Her breathing became ragged as he kissed her throat, stopping at the sensitive hollow. She tried to arch again, whimpering as his mouth continued downward, his stubble scraping against her skin. "Yes! There," her voice was still a whisper as he began to nibble at her breast, slowly, achingly, his teeth coming closer and closer to the throbbing nipple. "Oh!" she breathed as his lips finally closed around it. His teeth nipped, and he sucked, gently at first, becoming increasingly rough. She arched against him, her head pushing back against the bed, eyes closed.

He smiled against her, feeling her gasp as she tried to keep from crying out. A screamer by nature, in the early years of their marriage she had not cared about neighbors or anyone else hearing her, but gave herself over completely to her passion. As the children came along, and grew older, she had learned to contain her cries and her screams….unless the children were not in the house. He knew this was torture for her as she fought her desire to scream.

He released her nipple and moved to the other breast, holding the nipple with his teeth as he rubbed his tongue roughly across it. His hands roamed across her bare upper body, probing, tickling, squeezing lightly in places, harder in others. She was still wiggling her hips and her legs, trying to free them from the vise grip of his legs.

"Please, oh please, Bobby," she whispered desperately. He let go of her and rose up to sit back on his haunches, looking at her. Her face and her breasts were flushed, both from arousal and from his kisses and his stubble. She was panting and looking up at him, her blue eyes dark with desire. He loosened his grip on her thighs as he scooted back slightly. Grasping the waistband of her pajama bottoms and her underwear, he slowly dragged them down and off, finally releasing her legs. She spread her legs apart as he leaned down and resumed his attention to her breasts, kissing, sucking, nipping, dragging his stubble across them.

She kept her voice low as she pleaded with him, arching into his mouth, thrusting her hips up toward him. But she suddenly became still as his mouth moved lower, trailing across her stomach, his tongue leaving wet trail in between the gentle bites. He moved lower, nibbling at the curve of her waist to her hip, across her belly to her other hip, then lower still.

Her gasp was a soft gurgle in the back of her throat as his fingers spread her open then his mouth was…._there._ Warm and wet against her, licking with his tongue, now nibbling gently with his teeth, now sucking…..gently, then firmer….almost, but not quite, rough….his fingers slipping inside her. He felt her thighs fall open even more, felt her body go very still, felt her shallow pants…all indicators that she was close….so close…..

He stopped suddenly and stood up beside the bed, smiled down at her as she captured the moan of disappointment that wanted to break from her. Her breasts rose and fell quickly as she tried to catch her breath; her eyes were very dark now as she watched him. He slowly……oh so slowly…..began unbuttoning his shirt as she stared up at him. When it was open, he shrugged and it fell off and onto the floor. His fingers opened his belt, the button of his jeans, slowly slipped the zipper down. She moaned softly and wiggled her hips against the bed as he lowered his jeans and underwear, stepped out of them. He moved back to the bed and again knelt between her legs, but didn't move immediately to enter her. He fondled himself as he knelt there and watched her jaw go slack and her breath catch.

He lowered himself to lay along the length of her, still not entering her. His hands held her head still as he lowered his mouth to hers for a long, aching kiss. Raising his head just a whisper away from hers he asked her, "What do you want, Annie?"

"You," she breathed.

"Uh, uh, uh….," he admonished. "The words, Annie. I want to hear the words."

She knew what he wanted. The one word she hated, the word she thought most vulgar, the word she never used…..never, except for moments like this when they were alone.

"I want you to fuck me," she whispered. "I want you to fuck me hard and deep….and now…please, Bobby, please…fuck me now, right now!"

He slid his hand between their bodies to position himself, and finally…..she gasped as he slid into her. She wiggled her hips so that he slid deeper, she arched against him and moaned softly, wrapped her legs around his hips as he began to move, slowly at first as she adjusted to him, and she began to move with him. His hand was still between them and he moved so that his thumb touched her….there….she groaned as his thumb rubbed against her, arched her head back against the bed. He kissed her throat and felt her tremble. He pulled his hand from between them and grasped her butt with both hands, as he thrust deeper, faster. With the experience of almost fourteen years of making love to her, pleasing her, he knew exactly where her G-spot was and now he thrust against that spot….again, and again, each time a little harder. And she was there again…..her thighs opening, her body still except where she pushed back against him, the shallow pants …she was almost there, almost……her mouth opened with a loud gasp and he covered her mouth with his, muffling her cry as the orgasm began and moved in waves across her body and then began again. He released her mouth and buried his face against her, gripped her hips even tighter with his hands and thrust harder, deeper….her spasms pushing him over the edge until he cried out softly and hoarsely against her skin.

He collapsed against her and they lay, wet with perspiration, panting, hearts racing….now slowing. His face was against her throat, her cheek against his forehead. He felt the spasms spread through her again. A detached part of his brain remembered reading once that a G-spot orgasm could last from a few minutes to as long as forty-five minutes….or longer. He chuckled softly against Annie's throat as he wondered how she would react to a forty-five minute orgasm. He felt her smile against his forehead and softly kiss him. She took a deep breath as her heart rate and breathing slowed. He knew that in the morning there would be bruises, in the shape of his fingers, against the fair skin of her hips and buttocks. But he knew she wouldn't care; she loved when he grabbed her and thrust into her with abandon. Bobby raised himself on his elbow and reached to the night stand for the key to the hand cuffs. He released her and she moaned softly as she moved her arms. Then she wrapped her arms around him and pulled him close.

They lay for a long time, recovering. Finally he raised his head so that he could look at her. "Now that's what I call a submissive wife," he said softly.

She laughed and pulled him down for a kiss.

**End chapter 2**

18


	3. Chapter 3

**DISINTEGRATION**

**CHAPTER 3**

_This chapter picks up at the tail end of "Grow". I know…this is three chapters all centered on one episode, but this is the last one. I promise, we will be moving on soon._

_Thank you to my beta, Spook. _

Annie watched Bobby herding a group of six boys as they looked for clues to a treasure. Their next door neighbor, Rob, was overseeing another group of six. It was the twins' ninth birthday party and each had been allowed to invite five friends. They each led their team in a race for clues to find a "buried treasure". The gate in the fence between Bobby and Annie's backyard and Rob and Janey's backyard was open so that the boys had a large area in which to search. The clues were pictures of items in the yards that Annie had printed out and cut into puzzle pieces. As they found the clues and put the puzzle together, it led to the next clue. The "treasure chest" that they were searching for had prizes inside for each boy on the team. However, while they all thought they were racing to find the same treasure, the truth was that they were looking for separate treasures, one for each team. Annie hated the thought of someone losing and had modified the game so that everyone at the party would be a winner.

Annie, Janey, and Alex were getting the cake and ice cream ready while the "treasure hunt" went on. Ally was spending the day with a friend, saying disdainfully that she didn't want to spend the day with a bunch of _little boys._ Annie glanced again at Bobby. He was covering his anxiety well, for the sake of the children. But she could see the worry etched on his face. Nicole Wallace, after framing her fiancé for the murder of his brother, had taken his daughter and disappeared. It had been two days and there were no leads as to their whereabouts. Most of that information had come to her from Alex because Bobby wasn't saying very much.

The afternoon was a whirl of twelve energetic boys, presents, cake and ice cream, and noise. Once the party ended and the guests left, Bobby took Phillip and Andrew to the park to try out their brand new bikes. Janey, Alex, and Annie stayed behind to clean up the two yards. Dinner was a frenetic affair with no one eating very much. Phillip and Andrew, still excited from the party and the sugar, chattered nonstop, which annoyed their older sister immensely. It seemed to Annie that bedtimes would never come, but finally the boys were in bed, although they would not be asleep for some time. Ally was in bed, also still awake, reading. The kitchen was clean and the house, at last, was quiet.

She found Bobby in his office, sitting at his desk with his head in his hands. She quietly walked over and leaned down to kiss the back of his neck. He leaned back in his chair and pulled her onto his lap. He held her tightly, his face against her neck. Annie ran her fingers through his hair, noticing flecks of gray. _When did that happen,_ she wondered.

"Babe," she said softly. "I hate to see you beating yourself up over this."

"I'm the one who _should_ be beat up over it," he murmured against her neck. Raising his head to look at her, he continued, "I should have known that she would do this. I should have sent uniforms to pick Gwen up as soon as I left Nicole in that library. I knew how desperate she was to keep Gwen and I should have protected that girl. But I didn't; and now she's in hiding….with a serial killer."

Annie sighed and traced her fingers over his face. "You'll find her. And in the meantime, Nicole seems to truly care about the girl….."

He pushed her hand away. "She cared about her daughter, too…but that didn't stop her from killing her."

Annie stood up and paced around his desk. "But…..Gwen is older than Nicole's daughter was. Maybe…"

"Exactly. Her daughter was only three years old, and when she began to exhibit normal 'Daddy worship', Nicole saw her as a sexual rival for the affections of the little girl's father. Gwen is entering puberty….what will Nicole do with a young woman who is becoming sexually aware….especially when Nicole finds another lover. If she thought her three year old daughter was a rival, how much more will she see a beautiful young teenager as a rival? Gwen is not safe with her….no matter how Nicole thinks she feels about her right now."

Annie sat down in the chair on the opposite side of the desk from him. She folded her arms on the desk and propped her chin on her hands.

"She tried to save Gwen's life, didn't she?"

Bobby let out an exasperated breath. "You don't get it, Annie. Nicole loves Gwen and yes, she tried to save her. But that won't stop her from hurting Gwen herself if she begins to feel threatened by her."

Annie sat back in her chair and looked at her husband thoughtfully. "You know, you seem to be saying that to me a lot lately."

"Saying what?" He looked back at her questioningly.

"That I 'don't get it'. What is it that I don't get, Bobby?"

"This is more complicated than good or evil."

"And….what? I'm too simplistic to understand complicated pathology that motivates someone like Nicole Wallace?"

Bobby leaned his hands on the edge of the desk. "I didn't say that."

"No, you didn't. There's a lot that you _don't_ say lately. Maybe the reason there are so many things I don't 'get' is because there are so many things that you won't talk to me about."

"And maybe I just don't want to discuss every minute detail," he snapped.

"Every minute detail? You won't discuss your mother, you rarely discuss your work…the list of things you refuse to discuss is growing bigger every day!"

"You know why I won't discuss my mother with you. And my work is….yeah…it's complicated….and I don't have the time or energy to explain it to you."

The silence lengthened, feeling like a wall between them. Finally Annie said softly, "How sad for you to be saddled with such an imbecile for a wife."

She got up and walked towards the stairs. She paused on the bottom step at his equally soft reply. "That isn't what I meant, Annie."

She stood for a moment with her back to him, looking down at the floor. Turning, she walked quickly back to his desk and knelt beside his chair. She grasped his hands in hers, closed her eyes, and began to pray out loud. She prayed for Gwen, for Bobby and Alex….and for Nicole.

Bobby looked down at her bowed head. Her hands in his were trembling slightly and he knew she was nervous. Except for meal time blessings and bed time prayers with the children, she rarely asked him to participate with her in prayer, knowing his ambivalence. As he listened to her soft voice he noticed that, as always, when she prayed she didn't use special language or words. Her tone was conversational, as though she were speaking to a real person. And he knew that in her mind, she was speaking to someone very real and tangible. It was a concept difficult for him to understand.

Annie finished her prayer and started to rise, keeping her eyes down, unsure of how he would react. As she started to move away, Bobby wrapped an arm around her waist and pulled her onto his lap. He held her tightly and she hugged him back just as tightly.

"You know," he said huskily, "that I don't think you are stupid….right?"

She sighed and tightened her arms around him. "I know," she whispered.

"Annie, I love you."

"I love you too."

Bobby pulled his head back so that he could look at her face. "Do I tell you that often enough?"

She nodded her head. "Yes."

He kissed her, running his hand up and down her spine, which caused tingling in other parts of her body.

"Baby, let's go to bed," she whispered.

"I've got some work to do….I'll be up later," he told her.

"OK," she said and kissed him again. She shifted in his lap and heard his sharp intake of breath.

"I'll be up….soon," he whispered and she smiled against his mouth.

"OK," she said again, kissing his throat and moving lower, nuzzling his chest hair just above the opening of his shirt.

"I think," he said with a gasp, "that I'm ready for bed right now."

"Oh thank goodness!" Annie kissed him quickly on the mouth and smiled as she stood up.

Bobby watched her walk away from him, watched her French braid bounce slightly against her back as she headed up the stairs. He thought about pulling her hair free of the braid and feeling the silken strands against his fingers, his face, his chest……Chuckling, he stood and turned off the lights in his office as he followed his wife up the stairs to their bedroom.

******************************************************************

"So what is she like," Sarah asked eagerly.

She was working the evening shift at the library and Mike had come by after he left work to tell her that he finally had a new partner.

"Barek? Seems OK. We didn't really have time to talk much; Deakins had her filling out paperwork…all that stuff that comes with a transfer. Although, she's worked there before, temporarily. But tomorrow we are officially partners. And the first case that comes along is ours."

He grinned and leaned across the counter to kiss her.

"She's worked in Major Case before?"

"Yeah…last year when Goren screwed up his knee and was out for a while, she partnered with Eames."

"Did Alex say anything about how she is to work with," Sarah asked.

"Alex? How do you know Eames' name?"

Mike's smile stayed in place even as he frowned in curiosity. Sarah froze for a brief moment.

"Um…well…I guess you told me," she stammered.

"I did? Huh, I guess I'm gabbing like a little old lady since I don't have any cases of my own to talk about. And in answer to your question, all Eames said was that Barek is a good cop, good investigator."

Sarah blushed with shame over her lie. This couldn't go on; she hated lying more than just about anything. She would have to tell Mike and Uncle Jimmy the truth soon. _Soon_, she thought, _but not today_. Today she wanted to let Mike enjoy the excitement of knowing he had a partner and would soon have a case.

"Speaking of other people's cases," she said, trying to shake off her guilt, "what about that little girl?"

"Yeah, they found her."

"They did?! Oh, that's wonderful!"

"Seems Wallace took her to Arizona and dropped her off at her aunt's house. Not what you would expect from a serial killer. But who knows what goes on in anyone's head." He smiled and added, "Well, maybe Goren knows, but the rest of us schmucks just have to guess."

Sarah laughed with him, wishing she could tell him that she knew Robert Goren and his prodigious store of knowledge.

"The detectives must be so relieved," she said instead.

"Yeah, they are. Goren's been pretty angry at himself since the girl went missing. I heard that Wallace went to his house and had a little talk with his wife a few days before she disappeared."

"She went to _their house_?! A……his wife must have been terrified! I can't imagine what I would do if I were confronted by a murderer!"

"I'm sure it was scary. But," he shrugged, "she's OK. Goren and Eames haven't said much about it, but the scuttlebutt on Goren around the squad is that it's not the first time Wallace has contacted his wife. I guess it's a game she plays with him."

Sarah shivered slightly. "That's scary. His wife must be a black-belt in self-defense or something."

Mike chuckled. "Well, I don't know about that. But I met her once; I had dinner at their house after that thing at the prison. She's a nice lady. Good cook, too."

He grinned at her and she laughed nervously. This conversation was getting more uncomfortable by the minute. It was one thing to simply withhold information, but now she was being deliberately untruthful and she hated it. She folded her arms on the counter and leaned towards him.

"So….tomorrow, you will get a case?"

"Well, there's no guarantee when a case will come in. But in a city like New York, I doubt that it will take very long before we catch one."

"How are you getting along with your captain?"

Mike sobered. "He's a good guy, you know? I mean, I've been frustrated about not having a partner, not having any cases to work. But, Deakins…he really took a chance on me and I'm never gonna forget that. I just want to make sure he never regrets doing whatever it was he did to get me transferred."

She smiled at him, looked quickly around to see if there were any people nearby, and leaned across the counter to kiss him.

"He's not going to regret it. Transferring Mike Logan to the Major Case Squad is one of the best decisions he's ever going to make."

Mike held her face between his hands and kissed her deeply and passionately, not caring if any library patrons saw them.

"Can I pick you up when you close," he asked in a whisper. "Go for a late dinner?"

She sighed regretfully. "No, I need to pick up Jia Li and get her home and into bed. Besides," she said, "you should go home and get some rest. The 'scuttlebutt' I hear is you're catching a big case tomorrow."

He smiled at her and kissed her again before leaving her behind her counter, watching him walk away.

******************************************************************

"Daddy! Ally won't let us in the playhouse!"

Bobby sighed at the latest complaint…this time from Andrew. Ally had been arguing with them all day. Annie was at work and he had intended to take the children to Carmel Ridge. But Ally had woken up complaining about a stomach ache and so he had called his mother to tell her that they wouldn't be coming today after all. Ally had lain in bed most of the morning, grumbling about noise every time the boys had gone upstairs. She had finally gotten dressed and came downstairs, only to disappear into the playhouse with a book. The complaints had gotten louder when Phillip and Andrew went outside to play with Sandy, which seemed to goad them to try to annoy her. Now they wanted to use the playhouse and Ally was refusing to let them in. He and Annie tried to let the kids work things out on their own as much as possible, but this seemed to be escalating and he decided he better intervene. He headed outside, just in time to hear Ally screaming louder than he would have thought possible.

"You are mean, despicable boys and I HATE YOU!"

"Ally!" Bobby roared.

Three faces turned to look at him. Ally's face was red and splotchy from crying. Phillip and Andrew's faces were incredulous. He decided her transgression was the one that needed to be addressed first as he stood towering over his children.

"Ally," he said, keeping his voice stern but controlled. "I know that you don't feel good, but you still have to follow rules. And one of those rules is that we do not say 'hate' in this house. No matter how angry you may be with your brothers, you do not say something hurtful like that. Understood?"

She looked up at him angrily, obviously trying to control herself. He thought for a moment she was going to tell him that she hated him too. But suddenly her blue eyes filled with tears and her face crumpled as she burst into tears. She ran past him into the house, crying loudly. He watched her go, unable to believe this was the same sweet little girl who not very long ago would climb into his lap and ask for a story. How could she change so drastically, he wondered? It was almost as though she were……The realization hit him like a punch in the stomach. Of course. He and Annie had just talked about this.

"What's wrong with Ally?" Phillip's voice brought his attention back to his sons.

"She doesn't feel good," he said, turning back to the twins. "I'm going to talk to her about the way she is acting. But you two," he frowned down at them, "need to stop teasing her and trying to make her mad. You were both perfectly happy to play on the computer until she came out here to read, and then suddenly you just had to come out here and play."

The boys looked down at the ground sheepishly. Neither of them answered.

"I'm going to talk to Ally now, and I want you two to stay out here. You wanted that playhouse and now you have it, so go play."

"OK, Daddy," they both told him.

He went upstairs, where he heard sobbing coming from behind the bathroom door. He sighed again and stood for a moment, leaning his hand against the wall and looking down at the floor. He wished Annie were home; maybe he should call her. This was not his area of expertise.

"Ally," he said finally. "Are you OK?"

"Go away! I want my mom!" The crying got louder.

"Listen Sweetheart….I don't think Mom can leave work right now. But if you want to, we can call her. And…I….I know what is going on. I…uh…I know I'm not a girl…..and maybe I….don't understand…..but I'm going to sit on the stairs….and….if you….I'll be here when you want to talk."

She didn't answer and after a moment, he turned and went to sit on the top step of the stairs. The crying continued for a while, then became softer, and at last it faded away. It was another ten minutes before the bathroom door opened slowly. Ally stood leaning against the door frame for a moment, looking down at the ground, stealing an occasional glimpse at her father. He resisted the urge to get up and go to her, or to talk. He sat silently and waited. Ally walked over and sat down next to him. They didn't speak for several minutes, just sat together.

He looked at her surreptitiously out of the corner of his eye and took in her appearance. He was surprised at the physical changes in her that seemed to have happened overnight. She had always looked so much like her mother; the same long blond hair, the same blue eyes, the same shape to her nose. But she seemed to have gotten her height and build from her father. Annie wasn't fat by any means and she walked and worked out, but her body was all soft curves, especially since giving birth to three children. He realized that Ally was losing the stocky chubbiness of childhood and beginning to reveal the body of the tall, lean young woman she would become. She would be taller than her mother's five feet and five inches….at least by two or three inches, he guessed. He wondered when this metamorphosis had taken place and why he hadn't seen it. He turned to look at her fully at the sound of her sniffling.

"I'm sorry, Daddy," she said tremulously.

Bobby put his arm around her and she leaned into him, crying softly. "I know you are, honey," he said softly.

She cried for a few minutes, but not as violently as she had earlier.

"Do I have to apologize to the boys?"

"Yeah, but that can wait. Are you OK?" She shrugged wordlessly. "Do…do you need anything? Any….uh…I can go to the store…."

She shook her head. "No," she sniffed. "Mom gave me a bag that had different….kinds. She said this was going to happen soon."

Bobby smiled and kissed the top of her head. "Mom's pretty smart, isn't she?" Ally nodded, her face against his chest. "So….uh…how…how do you feel? Does your stomach still hurt?"

"No," she said sitting up and wiping her wet face with her hands. Bobby reached into a pocket, pulled out a handkerchief, and handed it to her. "My stomach stopped hurting. I just feel….I don't know….like everything is all….like everything makes me _so_ mad."

"Yeah," he said, nodding. "I think that's normal."

"Well, I don't like it!"

He refrained from smiling…with effort. "I don't think anyone does."

"But…it's kind of a big deal, isn't it?" She slanted her eyes at him shyly.

"Yeah…yeah, it's a big deal, alright."

"Mom was all happy when she gave me the….package. She said it's exciting, that it means I'm growing up, that I'm not a little girl anymore."

"Mmmm, hmmm." He desperately wanted to tell her that she would always be his little girl, but he knew this was not the time.

"Mom said when I start we would celebrate with a grownup 'ladies lunch'….just the two of us. I guess….I guess we can do it another day, when she isn't working."

"Yeah, that will be good," he said, nodding thoughtfully, "you and Mom going out for a ladies lunch. But…since, you know, she isn't here today….and today is the day you….well….maybe you and I could have a grownup lunch. And you and Mom can have your lunch on her day off."

"You and me," she asked, brightening. "You mean go out for a real lunch, like…like you and Mom do?"

"Yes, a real lunch…a date, a lunch date with your dad. Does that sound OK?"

"Yes," she squealed, throwing her arms around his neck. So she wasn't all grown up….not yet. The thought comforted him as he hugged her tightly. "Can we go to Sal's," she asked.

It made him smile that she picked his favorite restaurant. "Yes, but you need to go mend some broken fences with your brothers, first."

"OK, Daddy."

"While you are apologizing, I'll find someone they can stay with while we go for our lunch. And you," he said, smiling at her, "after you talk to the boys, you get dressed. In a nice dress, and I'll change my clothes, too. Got it?"

"I got it!" Ally stood up and started down the steps. She turned and ran back to hug him fiercely. "Thank you, Daddy!"

Bobby heaved a deep sigh and pulled out his cell phone. He called Janey and asked if the boys could stay with them while he took Ally to lunch. Then he called Annie at the hospital and told her what had happened.

"Oh, I wanted to be there when she started," Annie said with disappointment. "That explains her tummy ache this morning. Well," she said with a sigh, "it sounds like you handled it perfectly. She will enjoy a grownup lunch date. How are you, Daddy?"

He chuckled as he got up and walked downstairs and headed for the backyard. "I'm wondering what happened to that tiny baby who used to sleep on my chest."

She laughed with him. "I know! Next thing we know, she'll be in high school….and then college!"

"Uh…..no," he said with finality. "I've decided this growing up thing isn't working for me."

"Poor Baby," Annie teased. "Can I talk to her?"

"Yeah," he said as he walked into the backyard. Ally was hugging the twins, who were looking at her as though she were an alien from another planet. "Mom wants to talk to you, Sweetheart."

Ally grabbed the phone and ran inside the house, saying, "Mommy! I started!"

Bobby and the twins stood looking towards the house for a moment after she was gone. "Girls are weird," Andrew said.

Bobby laughed and tousled his hair, moving to sit down on a bench. Phillip and Andrew sat on either side of him.

"Girls aren't weird, Buddy," he said with a chuckle. "They can be difficult to figure out sometimes. But it's worth all the effort to try to understand them, because without girls this world would be really, really boring." Both boys looked at him skeptically. "Just be nice to your sister, OK?" They nodded their heads. "Listen, I'm going to take her to lunch and you guys are going to stay with Aunt Janey and Uncle Rob. Next weekend, we'll have a 'guys day'….just the three of us. OK?"

"OK, Daddy!"

"Why don't you take Sandy with you and run next door."

He watched Phillip and Andrew go through the gate to Janey and Rob's yard with the dog barking happily at them, then got up and went upstairs to change into a suit and tie. He met Ally coming out of her bedroom; she was wearing one of her prettiest dresses.

At the restaurant, Bobby held Ally's chair and she blushed with pleasure. Lunch was a success. Bobby smiled at the adult, self-assured manner with which Ally ordered her meal. They chatted, Ally eagerly sharing all the gossip about her friends. He was disconcerted that boys were a source of many of her stories; who was cute, who liked whom…..another change he wasn't prepared for, he realized. But prepared or not, he was pleased that she was so open and comfortable talking to him; he hoped that would continue as she became a teenager. Bobby watched her expression, the stormy emotions from earlier forgotten. Leaving the restaurant and walking back to the Mustang, Ally turned suddenly and wrapped her arms around his waist, squeezing tightly.

"Thank you, Daddy. This was the best day of my whole life!"

He smiled and hugged her back, kissing the top of her head. "You're welcome, honey. It has been a pretty great day."

After she got into the car and Bobby closed the door, he leaned his hands on top of the car for a moment and thought back to what he told Phillip and Andrew earlier. It was true; without girls, the world would be a very boring place indeed.

**End Chapter 3**

14


	4. Chapter 4

**DISINTEGRATION**

**CHAPTER 4**

_This chapter is Mike and Sarah-centered. It takes place during the Logan/Barek episodes Diamond Dogs and Unchained._

_Thank you to Judyg for letting me bounce ideas off of her and for filling in as my beta while Spook is on vacation._

"I'm counting on it." Deakins words replayed themselves in Mike's head. More than the words, the tone replayed….exasperated, disappointed. Maybe regret that he had gone to the trouble to transfer Mike to Major Case?

Sarah's fingers lightly traced a path from his stomach to his chest. They were lying in his bed, his head on her chest and her left arm around him. Jia Li was spending the weekend with her paternal grandparents and Sarah was spending the weekend with Mike. At least, he was supposed to be spending the weekend with her. But he had spent most of Saturday working on this case. This case that seemed to be going nowhere.

"So three days in and you've got Nancy and Sluggo here…and an ID on the weapon?" Deakins had asked him and his partner earlier that day.

"We'll do better," Barek told him.

"I'm counting on it," Deakins snapped as he stalked from the room.

Three days in….well past the magic forty eight hours that were so important in gathering evidence in a murder. And now there was another murder to solve because the mystery man had struck another jewelry store. He and Barek stared at one another after Deakins left.

"We'll get them, Mike," she had finally said. He was gratified that although they had only been partners for a short time, she understood that this was more than his ego and desire to close a case. He didn't want this guy to kill any more people.

He felt Sarah's lips kiss the top of his head. He captured her wandering hand and brought the palm to his lips, feeling the hitch in her breathing. He smiled and turned over, propping himself on his elbows and looking down at her. She smiled back at him and traced her finger along his jaw.

"I'm sorry I wasn't around today," he whispered.

"It's OK. You're worth waiting for."

"I don't know about tomorrow. There isn't much we can do until we stake out the methadone clinic on Monday, but I'm going to go in for a few hours at least. Just to go over everything and make sure there isn't something I'm missing."

"But you don't have to go anywhere right now, right?"

He chuckled and playfully bit the finger that was tracing his bottom lip. "No, I don't have to go anywhere right now."

He leaned down to kiss her while her hands slid along his back and pulled him closer.

******************************************************************

It was Monday afternoon when Annie looked up to see Mike Logan and a woman who was obviously another detective escorting two women into the ER. Annie took the chart and went to help settle the young woman into a bed, asking the older woman who said she was her mother to wait outside the curtain until she was finished. She got information from Mike and his partner, the young woman was not saying very much. A crack addict who had been without a fix for twelve hours, she was becoming agitated. Annie started an IV and waited for the doctor to come and examine her.

Mike introduced Annie to his partner, Carolyn Barek, and informed Barek that Annie was married to Goren.

"You worked with Bobby's partner when he hurt his knee last year," Annie said. "I heard good things about you and I'm glad to see you back in Major Case permanently."

The doctor arrived and Annie assisted him with the examination while the detectives talked to her mother. He wanted to admit the young woman, Maya, to help her through the withdrawals that were going to be tormenting her soon, but she was refusing. So when he went out to speak to the detectives, Annie took the IV out and got her discharge paperwork ready. She tried to convince Maya to stay, hoping when her mother joined them that she would influence her.

"Maya," Annie told her, "I know that withdrawal is tough. But once it's done, you have a chance to get on with your life, free from the drugs." Maya's mother walked in to stand on the other side of her bed and Annie appealed to her. "Your daughter needs help to get through this. We can help her."

The woman shook her head and Maya looked at the floor. "No, she just needs to go home. I can take care of her just fine. Isn't that right, sweetie?"

Maya nodded wordlessly, still not looking at either woman. Annie sighed and left, passing Logan and Barek. She didn't hear the words when they talked, but she was taken aback when she saw Maya strip off the patient gown, standing in front of Mike and everyone else in the ER in her bra and panties while she got dressed. She was just as flabbergasted that her mother didn't seem to react to it at all. As the women walked away, Annie went over to change the sheet on the bed and put the IV pump away. But as she reached for the pump, Mike stopped her.

"We're gonna need fingerprints off of that."

"That girl needs help," she told them. "I wish she would have stayed."

"Yeah," said Mike, "so do we. Well, thanks Annie. We'll send a CSU tech over to get those fingerprints."

"OK. If you see my husband, tell him I said hello. Sometimes we are like ships that pass in the night," she said with a laugh.

Logan and Barek laughed with her. "The story of a cop's life," Barek told her.

Annie watched them walk away and suddenly remembered that she hadn't asked Mike about Gina. She wondered if Carolyn Barek was married. She chuckled as she went back to work, thinking of Bobby's comments about her attempts at matchmaking.

******************************************************************

Sarah struggled awake as Louis Armstrong sang "What a Wonderful World". She was disoriented, but knew immediately who was calling. That song was the ringtone she had assigned to only one person.

"Mike?" Her voice was husky from sleep.

"I'm sorry I woke you," he said.

"What time is it," she asked sleepily.

"A little after one."

"What's wrong, Mike? Are you OK?" Awake now, she sat up and turned on the lamp by her bed.

"I'm OK. I…I just wanted to hear your voice."

"What's going on?"

He sighed deeply. "It's just…this case, you know? Now it's in the paper."

"Mmm, hmmm….I saw it on the news."

"I told Deakins that I don't want to be an issue and he should take me off the case."

"And what did he say?"

"Said if I become a problem for him, he'll be the first to let me know."

""Well, that's good, isn't it? It means he trusts you, right?"

"Yeah, I guess…..But he didn't back us up with Carver yesterday." He paused for a moment. "We had that girl….but no positive ID to connect her with the robberies. Carver made us let her go…..and today she's dead."

"I'm sorry, Mike."

"Yeah." He was silent for a long moment. "I should go and let you get back to sleep."

"I'm awake….I can talk for as long as you want."

"Talking isn't really what I want to do with you right now."

Sarah giggled. "Well, I've never _done it_ on the phone before, but I'm willing to try."

Mike laughed, glad that he had called her. "I'm going to take you up on that sometime, Sweetheart. But not tonight. You have to work in the morning, so you should go back to sleep. And so should I. Maybe tomorrow will be the day something breaks in this case."

"You'll get them, Mike," she said softly.

"Yeah…that's what Barek says, too. Goodnight….and thanks."

"Goodnight….and you're welcome. I'm here anytime you need to talk."

Sarah set her cell phone on the nightstand and turned off the light. Snuggling back down in her bed, she drifted off to sleep with the sound of Mike's voice soothing her.

******************************************************************

Three weeks later, Mike dropped paperwork onto his desk as he dropped into his chair. The last month had been exhausting; his first two cases with the Major Case Squad had been very public and very draining.

They had finally closed the jewelry robbery/murder case. But in order to get the young man, Johnny, to implicate his mother in the crimes, Mike had talked to him about his own troubled relationship with his alcoholic mother. It wasn't something he was comfortable doing, but his partner had pushed him into it. And it had paid off; Johnny did implicate his mother and they were both charged with the murders.

As soon as they closed that case they were immediately given another one that also turned out to be high profile. An NYPD cop's stepson went missing and was found dead. That had led to his first encounter with Elizabeth Rodgers since coming to Major Case. He had been to the coroner's office several times to pick up reports in his first few weeks, but had not run into the dour ME herself. As he and Barek took the elevator down, it occurred to him that the last time he had seen Rodgers was at Lennie Briscoe's funeral.

As they walked into the room where she was getting ready to do the autopsy on the young man, she glanced up at him. Her features softened for just a moment and he thought she was going to say something sentimental. But the moment passed and her expression changed back to the same professional, emotionless one he remembered from his days at the 27th precinct.

Rodgers held out her hand and said, "Logan….congratulations on your transfer."

"Thanks, Rodgers," he said, shaking her hand. And then she had been all business as they discussed the victim.

The investigation had led to two detectives working for a crime family. The murder of the young man had been a tragic case of mistaken identity; the intended target was a bomb maker with the same name who had flubbed a hit on one of the crime bosses. Investigating other cops had taken a toll on Mike, who had experienced his own investigations by Internal Affairs.

Sarah had called him one night, furious over the comments made by Detective Virgini's lawyer on the news: "Look who they've got investigating this; a disgraced officer, whose record of misbehavior speaks for itself." Sarah had wanted to know if he was going to sue the lawyer for defamation. Mike had laughed at her.

"And how do you know he was talking about me? Maybe he was talking about Barek."

She was silent for moment before asking in a small voice, "Was he? I'm so sorry, Mike! I just assumed….that was really awful of me."

Mike laughed again, even louder. "Don't worry, Sweetheart. Your assumption was correct; he was talking about me. And no, I'm not suing anyone. What he said was technically true…and my skin's a lot thicker than that. But," he added in a low voice, "it's nice to know you're in my corner."

Sarah….he missed her. These two cases, one on top of the other, had been tough to break and he and Barek had put in long hours. Which meant he hadn't been able to see very much of Sarah. But they had finally put this case to bed and as soon as he finished his paperwork, he was going to take Sarah out to dinner….if she didn't already have plans. He picked up the phone to call her and paused as Captain Deakins stopped by his desk.

"Good work, Logan," he said simply and moved on to his office.

Mike hid a smile as he pushed the numbers for the library and asked for Sarah. But he stopped trying to hide it when he heard her voice.

"Hey Gorgeous, how about dinner tonight?"

"Mike! I would love dinner. I'll see if my mother can babysit. Does this mean you're done with the case?"

"Yeah, we're done. We nailed the cops and hopefully they will roll over on the crime boss they were working for." He chuckled and added, "I even got a 'good work, Logan' from the captain. I think that's about as high as the praise gets around here."

Sarah's heart warmed at the mention of her uncle. "So….you and the captain….you're OK?"

"Yeah, we're OK."

"I'm glad to hear that." She hesitated for a moment before adding, "Mike….instead of dinner out, can we order in? I want to talk to you about something, and I think privacy would be better."

"Should I be worried," he asked her.

"No, of course not! It's nothing bad." At least, she hoped it wasn't bad. "I need to make a stop at my aunt and uncle's after work and then I'll come to your place…is that OK?"

"Yeah, that's OK. We'll order Chinese. I'll see you tonight, Sarah."

"See you tonight."

******************************************************************

Sarah pulled up in front of her aunt and uncle's home. Both cars were there. Good. Uncle Jimmy was home. Taking a deep breath, she opened her car door and climbed out. She was not looking forward to this, but the sooner she got it over with, the better. The walk up to their front door had never seemed so long. She stood at the front door for a moment before ringing the bell.

"Sarah!" Aunt Angie hugged her and pulled her into the house. "Come in, come in! Can you stay for dinner? Why didn't you bring Jia Li?"

Sarah laughed and hugged her aunt. "No, I can't stay for dinner and I didn't bring Jia Li because I came straight from work. I….I need to talk to Uncle Jimmy."

They walked into the living room just as Uncle Jimmy arrived downstairs, after changing into a tee-shirt and jeans.

"Hey, Kiddo! What brings you here?"

"She said she wants to talk to you, Jimmy." Aunt Angie turned to Sarah. "Do you need to talk to him alone?"

"No, you can stay. It's….well, it concerns Uncle Jimmy, but it concerns the rest of the family, too."

"I'm intrigued," Uncle Jimmy said, giving her a hug and motioning for her to sit on the couch. "Can I get you something to drink?"

"No, thank you," Sarah said, becoming more nervous by the minute. She waited for her aunt and uncle to sit down and took a deep breath. Might as well just say it straight out. "I….I'm seeing someone."

"Oh Sarah, that's wonderful! I take it that it's serious, since you made a special trip over here tonight." Aunt Angie got up to hug her and then sat back down.

"Well…I think it's serious, or at least it could be," Sarah told them.

Uncle Jimmy was watching her closely. "Is it anyone we know?"

Sarah took another deep breath and turned to her uncle, who was sitting next to her on the couch. "_You_ know him, Uncle Jimmy." She paused and he waited in silence. "It's….Mike Logan…..I'm seeing Mike Logan."

Uncle Jimmy frowned and asked, "How long have you been seeing him?"

"A….about….seven months," she stammered.

"What?!" Uncle Jimmy jumped up and pulled his cell phone out of his pocket. "All this time I've been burning up favors with the higher ups to get him to Major Case and he didn't bother to tell me that he's dating my niece?! That son of a b…."

"Uncle Jimmy!" Sarah stood up and pulled his cell phone from his hand. "He doesn't know! He has no idea that I'm related to you. Please….please don't call him. I'm going to see him after I leave here so I can tell him. This is all me…I'm the one who didn't say anything….to you or to Mike."

He stood facing her with his hands on his hips, glaring. "You expect me to believe that you've been dating this guy for _seven months_ and haven't said anything to the family?"

Sarah's temper flared and she stared him down, her own hands on her hips. "Are you accusing me of _lying_?! When have I ever lied to you?"

Angie stood up and stepped between them. "OK, OK, you two….calm down." She took the cell phone from Sarah. "Both of you sit down and _talk_."

Sarah sat back down on the couch and Jimmy moved to the chair across from her. He leaned forward, resting his arms on his knees.

"OK, so….you've been seeing Logan for seven months. He's been at Major Case for over a month now….it never occurred to you to mention this to either of us?"

"Well….when we started dating, Mike was still in Staten Island. I just didn't mention that I had an uncle with the NYPD. I mean, how many cops are there in the department? It didn't occur to me that he might know you. And then one day, out of the blue, he announces that he's getting a transfer to Major Case….and he was going on and on about 'Captain Deakins' and how grateful he was to get this opportunity. I just thought it would make both of you uncomfortable to know there was this connection. I wanted you to have a chance to get to know each other, to establish a working relationship, before I threw this curve at you."

Jimmy rubbed his hand through his hair and sighed. "You should have told me, Sarah. This….this could look bad. For me and for Logan."

"But why? It's not like he's your son-in-law or anything! He's dating your niece. Surely there isn't a regulation against that!"

Jimmy stood and began to pace around the living room. "No…there's no regulation. But this job is as much about appearances as it is about ability. Logan has a rep in the department, and it kept him buried in Staten Island for ten years. Suddenly he starts dating my niece and I'm pulling favors to get him transferred to Major Case. Do you see how that could look?"

"I don't believe anyone would ever think you would do that kind of thing!"

"Well, I appreciate that vote of confidence, but my superiors may not share it. This could look bad for me….and for Logan. Didn't you stop to think that other cops, especially detectives who are trying to get into Major Case, might think he only got this transfer because of his relationship to me?"

"No," Sarah said, shaking her head. "I didn't think that because it's not true. Mike is a good cop…he must be if you wanted him. It never occurred to me that anyone would think differently."

"Well, they just might. It may not be pleasant for him."

"If you knew that I was dating him, would it have made a difference? Would you have asked to have him transferred if you knew?"

Jimmy sat back down in the chair heavily and looked at her. "I don't know," he said quietly.

"Then I'm glad I didn't tell you," she said firmly. "Mike deserves this. He took his punishment for what he did ten years ago….he shouldn't be punished now because of who he is dating."

"And what if he has to make a choice between dating you and staying in Major Case," he asked quietly.

Sarah stared at him. "Is that going to happen?"

"I don't know. It could."

"Then I have to break up with him," she said softly, her eyes filling with tears. "Now….tonight….before he even knows about all of this. It isn't fair to make him choose."

"What do you think he would choose, Sarah?"

Tears trickled down her cheeks. "I….I don't know. But…I can't….I can't let you put him in that position." She stood and began pacing the same path her uncle had. "You don't know how important this transfer is to him, Uncle Jimmy. Or how grateful he is to you…..I can't risk letting him give that up."

"Sarah….." he began, but she cut him off.

"No," she said wiping her tears and trying to control her voice. "I….I have to break up with him. I'm going over there now….I'll tell him tonight that I don't want to see him anymore." She looked at her uncle as he stood and faced her. "J…just don't tell him. He doesn't need to know….it will just….he'll try to…."

She covered her face and began to cry in earnest. Jimmy put his arms around her and pulled her against his chest. He looked at Angie over Sarah's head.

"Don't do that, Kiddo," he said softly. "You don't have to do that."

She hiccupped as she wiped her face and looked up at him. "But you said…."

"Forget what I said. It's my job to look at worst-case scenarios. I won't let it come to that." He held her face between his hands and looked at her intently. "I promise you that I won't let it come to that." He hugged her again, then pushed her away. "Just go see Logan and tell him that you're my niece. And tell him to come see me first thing in the morning. OK?"

"OK," she said tremulously.

"But you better be prepared….Logan may not be any happier that you kept this quiet than I am. I can deal with my superiors and keep him in Major Case…but he's the one that will have to deal with the gossip and the kidding from other cops."

"I don't think Mike worries much about what other people think of him," she said. "Except for you," she added.

Angie moved to put her arm around Sarah's shoulders and hug her. "I know you need to go talk to Mike right now, but I want to sit down and talk…soon. I want to know all about this guy; how you met, how you kept him a secret from this nosy family for so long, what Jia Li thinks about him."

"Uh….actually….Jia Li hasn't met him yet," Sarah said quietly.

Her aunt and uncle both looked at her incredulously. "What do you mean she hasn't met him? You've been dating him for seven months and he hasn't met your daughter," Angie asked.

"Well…..I….uh….it just hasn't been the right time yet."

Jimmy frowned at her. "I thought you said this was serious. Doesn't sound very serious if you haven't even introduced him to Jia Li….let alone the rest of the family."

"I don't know yet how serious it is. And at first it just didn't seem right, and then he said he was going to Major Case and I wanted to wait before telling you both….and then I couldn't let Jia Li meet him because she would talk about him…."

"And you didn't want me to know," Uncle Jimmy finished for her.

"I need to go." Sarah was suddenly anxious to get away from her uncle's piercing gaze. She hugged them both, grateful that neither asked her any more questions.

Back in her car, she sighed with relief and rested her forehead against the steering wheel for a moment. That was done. Now she needed to face Mike.

******************************************************************

Sarah stood staring at the door to Mike's apartment. She had been nervous before going to talk to Uncle Jimmy, but now fear was licking at her. What if Mike was as angry as Uncle Jimmy had been? From what her uncle told her, it sounded as though Mike would have even more reason to resent her silence because he had more to lose, from having to live with the ridicule of other cops to the possibility of being transferred out of the squad that had given him a second chance to prove himself. Why had she waited so long to tell him about her uncle, she wondered now.

Taking a deep breath, Sarah knocked on the door. It opened and Sarah's breath caught in her chest at the sight of him. Mike was still wearing the trousers and white shirt he had worn for work, but had discarded his shoes, jacket, and tie. He had unbuttoned the shirt about half-way and Sarah could see just a glimpse of his chest hair. He was smiling at her as he reached out and pulled her into his apartment. Closing the door, he pushed her against it and leaned down to kiss her, wrapping his arms around her waist.

"You have no idea how good you look to me right now," he whispered in her ear.

He didn't seem in any hurry to move into the living room, but continued to hold her, pressing his body against hers, and nuzzling the sensitive spot below her ear. Sarah was overwhelmed by the feel of his body against her and his obvious joy at the sight of her. The guilt of her silence that had been building since the night he told her he was going to Major Case, and the fear of how he was going to react suddenly became too much and tears spilled down her cheeks. She buried her face against his chest and gripped his shirt in her fists as silent sobs caused her shoulders to shake.

"Hey, hey, hey…" Mike pulled back and tilted her face up to him. "What's wrong, Sweetheart?"

He kissed her wet cheeks, his soft hazel eyes filled with concern. "Did I do something," he asked softly, causing her to cry even harder.

Mike pulled her against him tightly and then led her to the couch. Gently pushing her shoulders to sit, he sat facing her on the coffee table. Taking both her hands in his left hand, with his right hand he lifted her chin until she was looking at him.

"Sarah, please tell me what's wrong. If I did anything…."

"No," she spoke for the first time, cutting him off. "You haven't done anything but be wonderful to me. I….I just….didn't realize how hard this was going to be."

"How hard what was going to be?" He frowned slightly in confusion.

She couldn't look at him. Sarah lowered her eyes and pulled her hands from his. He watched her silently as she took a deep, shaky breath and rubbed her hands on her thighs.

"I didn't know that it would be such a problem or I would have….." she trailed off.

"What would be a problem? Sarah, please talk to me." Mike's voice was gentle.

"My uncle was so angry…..and you have even more reason to be angry." She still couldn't look at him.

"Why would I be angry? And what does it have to do with your uncle? I want to understand, Sarah, but you aren't making any sense."

Taking another deep breath, she finally looked up at him. "My uncle was angry because I didn't tell him that I am dating you. And I think you will be angry for the same reason….because I've been dating you all this time and haven't told you who my uncle is."

"Who is your uncle and why would he be mad that you didn't tell him about me?"

She looked him in the eye and said softly, "My uncle is Jimmy Deakins."

He stared at her. "What did you say?"

"My uncle is Jimmy Deakins," she repeated.

"Jimmy Deakins…..as in Captain Jimmy Deakins of the NYPD?"

She nodded her head wordlessly. Mike stood up and paced, running his hand through his hair. She watched him anxiously.

"Your uncle is my boss….and you didn't bother to mention that to me?"

Sarah swallowed hard at the anger-tinged edge to his voice. They had never argued. Although she had seen him annoyed or in a bad mood, even angry about some of the crimes he dealt with, she had never seen him angry with her.

"I….I didn't think that it was important when we started dating….it hadn't occurred to me that you might actually know him. And then when you told me that you were being transferred….I just…..I thought I should let you and Uncle Jimmy get to know one another, work together for a while, before I told you. I thought," she added softly, "that it might make you uncomfortable if you knew that your new captain was my uncle."

"More uncomfortable than _this_," he asked sarcastically.

She didn't answer right away and he looked down at her. She was staring up at him, her face blotchy from crying earlier, her cheeks wet with fresh tears, her dark eyes wide and shimmering with more tears, as she watched him with….what? Fear? What was she afraid of? She said her uncle was angry; the captain must have been rough on her. His heart melted, realizing how hard it must have been to face both men.

"I'm sorry, Mike," she whispered. "I didn't know…..Maybe I should go."

She moved to rise from the couch, but Mike quickly sat back down on the coffee table and gently pushed her back onto the couch. He took her hands in his, resting his elbows on his knees. He looked at her solemnly as she watched his face anxiously.

"You should have told me," he said softly.

She nodded. "I know."

"You should have told the captain."

"I know."

"If he had known about us, he probably wouldn't have gotten me transferred to his squad."

The fear and guilt left her face instantly as both her spine and her jaw stiffened. "Then I'm glad I didn't tell him," she said firmly. "You deserve to be there, Mike. And if it's going to be a problem….then…." She faltered and her eyes filled with tears again. Taking a deep breath she blinked back the tears resolutely and continued. "Then we'll stop seeing each other."

They gazed at one another for several long moments. Mike's eyes softened as a smile spread across his face, causing little butterflies in Sarah's stomach. He leaned forward and grasped the back of her head with one hand, holding onto her hands with his other. He pulled her towards him and gently kissed her lips.

"That is not an option Sweetheart," he whispered against her lips.

"I'm sorry," she whispered again.

He rested his forehead against hers. "We'll figure it out," he told her.

"Uncle Jimmy wants to see you first thing in the morning."

Mike began to laugh. "I'll just bet he does."

Before she could speak again, Mike covered her lips with his, his tongue exploring and teasing hers. Her arms moved up to wrap around his neck and he slid off the coffee table to kneel in front of her. His arms around her waist pulled her tight against him as he continued kissing her. He pushed her back to lie down and swung her legs up on the couch, then he lay down next to her and resumed kissing her. She moaned softly in the back of her throat when his hand slipped under her skirt and he trailed his fingers slowly up her thigh.

The doorbell rang and they both froze for a moment, staring at one another. Mike heaved a loud sigh and let his head fall onto her chest.

"That," he said with a groan, "would be the Chinese food I ordered."

Sarah giggled as he pulled himself away and stood up. She started to sit up, but Mike pushed her back down.

"I'll be right back," he said. "Save my place."

She smiled and lay back. She heard him open the front door and speak to the delivery person. Soon he reappeared with two bags from a nearby Chinese restaurant. Setting them down on the coffee table, Mike joined her on the couch again.

"Now, where were we," he whispered.

"The food will get cold," she told him softly.

"That's what the microwave is for."

He grinned down at her for a moment before lowering his head to kiss her.

******************************************************************

Mike got to work early the next morning, hoping to talk to the captain before the other detectives arrived. But he wasn't early enough; Eames arrived at the same time he did, riding up in the elevator with him. If she noticed he was distracted, she didn't say anything. As they stepped off the elevator and walked into the bull pen, he saw that he and Eames weren't the only ones to come in early today. His partner was sitting at her desk and he spied Goren in an interview room, with a file spread out on the table in front of him and pictures, newspaper clippings, and notes pinned to a bulletin board behind him. Goren and Eames were working on the case of a prison warden who had been attacked, which had led to the discovery that the warden's wife had been kidnapped ten years earlier.

Mike let out a gusty sigh. "Does everyone come in so friggin' early around here," he asked irritably.

Eames looked at him curiously. "Any particular reason you want the place to yourself, Logan?"

He shook his head. "No, no reason at all."

Eames shrugged and moved towards her desk as Mike turned towards his.

"Good morning," Barek said as he passed her desk.

"Morning," he said shortly.

He had barely set his coffee on his desk when the door to the captain's office opened behind him.

"Logan, in my office," came the terse command.

He saw Barek look at him curiously, but ignored her as he turned to follow Captain Deakins into the office. Barek looked over to where Eames was also watching Logan with interest. Eames looked at Barek, who shrugged her shoulders to indicate she had no idea what was going on, before both women turned back to their own desks.

Mike closed the door and faced the captain. Deakins indicated he should sit down before settling himself in his chair. He folded his hands on the desk in front of him and sat for a moment looking at the detective. Mike suddenly felt like he did in school when he was sent to the principal's office. He waited silently for the captain to speak.

"So….you are dating my niece," Deakins said finally.

"Yes sir," Mike told him.

"You know this could be a problem for both of us."

Mike leaned forward in his chair. "Captain, I don't want to be the cause of any problems for you. I told you that before, and I still mean it. If you want to transfer me out, I'll understand."

Deakins looked at him for a moment before sighing and shaking his head.

"No, I don't want you to leave, Mike. You're a good cop and I want you in my squad. I just wish my niece had told us about this as soon as she realized."

"I do too, Captain."

"But we can't do anything about that now. If there are any questions from upstairs, I'll deal with them. You, however, are going to have to deal with the rumor mill when this gets out."

Mike nodded his head. "It won't be the first time my name has come up around the water cooler. I can handle it."

"I was pretty angry with Sarah when she told me last night. I told her that you might have to choose between dating her or being here in Major Case." Mike didn't answer and Deakins went on. "Do you know what she said?"

"That she would stop seeing me," Mike said with a sigh. "She told me the same thing."

Deakins looked at him closely. "If you did have to make that choice, what would it be?"

Mike silently reached into his coat pocket, pulled out a neatly typed and folded paper, and handed it to him. Deakins unfolded it and looked at it. It was a request to be transferred back to Staten Island, signed and dated that morning. Deakins smiled at Mike and nodded, then turned and fed the paper into the shredder next to his desk.

"OK, then….we get back to work and let the chips fall where they may."

"Yes sir."

Mike started to get up, but sat back when the captain cleared his throat.

"In this squad room, you and I are just cops….I won't be discussing your personal life or your relationship with my niece while we are on the job."

"I understand and I appreciate that, sir."

"You and I won't be discussing your relationship in this office….after today," Deakins said meaningfully.

Mike grinned at the captain and said, "She's a special lady, Captain."

"Yes, she is special. You know….she was with Tony for a long time."

"Yes sir, I know."

"And his illness and death were hard on her…and took her a long time to get over."

Mike knew all too well how long it had taken her. "I know, sir."

"As your captain, I would never let personal relationships affect any decisions here in this office."

Mike frowned, wondering where this was going. "I appreciate that Captain."

"But as Sarah's uncle....an uncle who loves her like one of my own kids….I wouldn't like to see her get hurt."

Mike smiled in relief. "I wouldn't want to see her get hurt, either."

"OK," Deakins said, nodding. "So we understand each other. You better get back to work."

Mike stood and walked to the door. "Thank you Captain," he said before walking to his desk. As he sank into his chair, Barek turned to look at him with a silent question. He shook his head as he chuckled. "We've got time before our shift starts, Barek. Let's go get some coffee and I'll fill you in before you hear it through the grape vine."

**End chapter 4**

21


	5. Chapter 5

**DISINTEGRATION**

**CHAPTER 5**

_I decided to take a little interlude before getting to In the Wee Small Hours, a little interlude of fluff and fun. And I apologize ahead of time to anyone who speaks German. I used 5 different online translation sites to translate the two phrases that Bobby uses. Since they didn't all translate them the same, I took the ones that 2 or more of the sites used. If they are incorrect, I am very, very sorry. I just couldn't resist having Bobby speak a little German._

_Thank you to Judy for stepping in again to beta while Spook was tied up this week._

Alex sat across from Carolyn Barek as they ate lunch in the cafeteria at One Police Plaza. She had enjoyed working with Barek when Bobby injured his knee and she was glad that Carolyn was back with a permanent partner.

"So how are you and Logan getting along," she asked.

"Good," Carolyn nodded, dipping a fry into catsup. "He's good. It's too bad that he got stuck in Staten Island for so long. He's a little more….physical….with suspects and witnesses than I'm used to. But he knows what he's doing, how far to push."

"Ummm…." Alex hesitated and then asked, "What was all that about with the Captain this morning? Coming up in the elevator, Logan looked….well, almost scared. And then Deakins barked at him to get in his office as soon as he got there." She smiled at the other detective. "C'mon, did he tell you what it was about?"

Carolyn smiled conspiratorially. Looking around, she lowered her voice. "Yeah, he told me. It seems that the captain just found out who Logan is dating." She paused for effect. "Logan is dating Deakins' niece."

Alex's eyes widened in surprise. "You've gotta be kidding me." She began to chuckle. "Was Logan trying to hide it?"

"No, he didn't know either. I guess Sarah kept it quiet from both of them until last night."

"Sarah?" Alex frowned slightly. "The librarian?"

"Yeah, I think Mike did say that she was a librarian. Do you know her?"

Alex nodded thoughtfully. "I've met her a couple of times at Deakins' house. Goren and his wife know her better because they spend so much time at the library." She grinned. "Annie's gonna flip when she hears."

"Why," Carolyn asked.

"Because that woman never saw a single person she didn't want to play matchmaker for. Be forewarned, by the way, if you spend any time with her. She'll be looking for a man for you. Anyway," Alex continued. "Annie thought Logan and Sarah would make a good match and wanted to introduce them. But I think Sarah told her that she was seeing someone. That was a while back. I wonder how long she's been seeing Logan?"

"Seven months," Carolyn supplied.

"Seven months?!" Alex chuckled as they picked up their trays and prepared to return to the squad room. "Annie's gonna flip," she repeated.

******************************************************************

"What?" Bobby looked across at his partner later that afternoon. "I can tell by your face that you want to give me some piece of gossip, Eames. What did you hear at lunch?"

Alex shrugged her shoulders slowly and grinned at him. "I know how much you hate the rumor mill," she said.

"I do," he sighed. "But it looks like you are going to burst unless you tell me what you heard."

Alex leaned forward with her arms folded in front of her. "Guess who Logan is dating?"

Bobby frowned at her. "Romance? Since when are you interested in the love lives of your coworkers?"

Alex rolled her eyes. "Do you want to hear this or not?"

"No," he said and looked down at the paperwork on his desk, hiding a smile because he knew she wasn't going to let this go.

"Well, OK….but your wife won't be happy if she has to find out from someone else."

Bobby leaned back in his chair and held his hands up in mock surrender. "OK, OK. Who is Logan dating and what does my wife have to do with any of this?"

"It just so happens that your wife's matchmaker brain dreamed up this very scenario." Alex chuckled at his frown of curiosity. "Logan is dating Sarah, the captain's niece."

Bobby grinned back at her. "Annie will be so pleased."

"So who gets to tell her…you or me?"

"Oh, I'm going to fall on my husband's rights on this one," he said with a laugh. "So…how long…"

"Seven months."

"Seven months! Then they were dating when the captain…."

Alex shook her head. "Evidently neither Deakins nor Logan knew….Sarah kept it all quiet until last night when she dropped the bombshell on both of them."

"Ahh….Romance, intrigue….Annie will definitely be pleased."

Bobby spied Logan getting off the elevator and gave a barely perceptible nod of his head, which Alex caught and they both bent their heads over their desks as he walked by. They dropped the subject and went back to work.

Bobby and Alex left to follow up on a lead and when they returned to the squad room late in the afternoon impromptu plans were being made by most of the detectives and uniformed officers to go out for a drink. No one was sure whose idea it was to begin with, but it seemed everyone was glad for a chance to unwind. Soon phone calls were being made to wives, husbands, boyfriends, and girlfriends, asking them to meet at the bar.

******************************************************************

Annie was about to start preparing dinner when her cell phone rang. She looked at the display and smiled.

"Hi Babe," she said.

"Hey, can you get a babysitter tonight," Bobby asked.

"Umm….I guess so, why?"

"A bunch of us are going for a drink after work and I thought maybe you could join us. Just take a cab and we'll come home together in my car."

"Sounds fun," she said with a smile. "Are you asking me to come because you plan on needing a designated driver?"

"No," he said. His voice was suddenly low and intimate, although she could hear the voices of his coworkers in the background. "I just want to take a pretty girl for a ride in my Mustang."

Annie flushed with pleasure at his playful, flirting tone. "Well, I can't resist a line like that. Where are we going?"

Bobby told her the name of the bar, just a few blocks from One Police Plaza. After hanging up, she called the teenage girl who lived a few houses down and asked her to babysit. Abandoning the dinner she had planned on making, she pulled out hotdogs, raw vegetables, and potato chips for the babysitter to give the children for dinner. She ran upstairs and changed into simple blue skirt and white top.

When she walked into the bar, the detectives and officers had already begun drinking and the significant others, like her, were trickling in. She spotted Bobby standing in a group that included Tom and Alex. She was surprised to see Alex wearing a skirt, and then remembered that Alex had told her once that she kept a change of clothes at work so that she didn't have to go home first if she and Tom were meeting after work.

Annie stood for a moment and watched her husband. He had removed his jacket and tie and unbuttoned the first few buttons on his shirt. He was holding a drink in his hand; Scotch was her guess. Bobby was laughing at a story that Detective Jeffries was telling. She liked seeing him like this; relaxed, happy.

She made her way over to the group and sidled up to Bobby. He smiled down at her and put his arm around her, drawing her close and dropping a kiss on her temple. Annie greeted the people that she knew and Bobby introduced her to two new officers she hadn't met before. She saw Captain Deakins and his wife not too far away, talking to Mike Logan and Carolyn Barek. She made a mental note to be sure to talk to all of them tonight.

"Hey," she said in surprise as she caught sight of a dark-haired woman coming through the door, "isn't that Sarah Johnson? Did she come with Angie?"

"I don't think so," Alex said, trying not to laugh.

"I think she is probably meeting her date," Bobby told her.

"Her date? Who's her date?"

Annie gasped as she watched Sarah walk up to Mike Logan, who turned and kissed her cheek, tucking her hand in the crook of his arm. Annie squealed causing heads to turn in their direction, including Mike's and Sarah's.

"She's dating Mike Logan?!" She turned to Bobby and hugged him. "I knew they would like each other!"

Grabbing Bobby's hand, she pulled him in the direction of the group that included Mike and Sarah. They greeted the captain and Angie; Annie couldn't resist hugging a surprised Sarah.

"Do you remember when I told you that I wanted you to meet someone?" Sarah frowned in concentration and then nodded at the memory. "I was thinking of Mike Logan!"

Mike chuckled at that and Sarah began to laugh. "Do _you_ remember that I said I was already seeing someone?" She grinned at Annie. "_I _was thinking of Mike Logan, too!"

For the next half hour, it was busy as the crowd moved around, groups forming, shifting, disbanding, as new groups formed. Annie and Bobby finally found themselves seated at a large table that included Jimmy and Angie Deakins, Tom and Alex, Mike and Sarah, and Carolyn Barek. When Annie asked Carolyn if she were married, the group burst out laughing.

"You're incorrigible," Bobby told her.

The group's interest turned to Mike and Sarah, who parried questions about where they met, how long they had been dating.

"Well, you better stock up on peanut butter," the captain told Mike.

"Jimmy…" Angie warned, as Sarah groaned and covered her face with her hands.

"Peanut butter," Mike asked curiously.

"Peanut butter," Jimmy affirmed. "The girl LOVES peanut butter. She drops chocolate chips into a bowl of peanut butter and eats it with a spoon."

"You know," Mike chuckled at Sarah's blushing, "they do make candy bars with peanut butter in chocolate."

"Yes, I know. But it's too sweet, and the chocolate isn't dark enough, and this way I control the ratio of chocolate to peanut butter."

"That sounds good," Annie exclaimed as the others at the table laughed. "I'm going to try it."

"So what other ways do you eat peanut butter," Mike asked.

"OK, well….of course there is the old standby, the peanut butter and jelly sandwich. One of my favorite breakfasts is toast spread with peanut butter and topped with warm applesauce and a sprinkle of cinnamon. Or I just spread apple halves with peanut butter. There's peanut butter in celery, of course. Or on saltine crackers. Or swirled into ice cream. Sometimes I just get a spoonful of peanut butter and a glass of icy cold milk."

"That's a serious love of peanut butter," Alex said, laughing. "So do you prefer creamy or chunky?"

"Super chunky!"

"Anything else?" Mike thought again how beautiful she was when she blushed.

"Well…I like peanut butter and dill pickle sandwiches."

Mike stared at her. "Peanut butter and dill pickles?"

"They have to be crunchy pickles…."

"And crunchy peanut butter," teased Mike.

Sarah laughed at herself with the others. "I just like the contrast of flavors."

"And…." Jimmy prompted.

"Th…that's it," Sarah said, blushing again.

"Jimmy, leave her alone," Angie scolded.

"He should know all of it. C'mon, Kiddo, out with it."

Mike turned to look at her. "Well," she said, "I also like grilled peanut butter and banana sandwiches."

Mike laughed as everyone else at the table groaned.

"We always made sure we had plenty of peanut butter in the house when Sarah came to visit as a child," Angie said.

"We still do," Jimmy said with a laugh.

The others around the table laughed good naturedly and Mike reached under the table to squeeze her hand. Sarah glowed with pleasure at being with him and his friends.

Annie heard an announcement that karaoke would begin shortly and everyone was welcome to sign up to sing. She turned to Bobby with delight. His fingers were still entwined with hers and resting on his thigh. He had managed to stay in physical contact with her in one way or another the entire evening. He grinned back at her, knowing what she was about to say.

"Karaoke! I want to sing!"

He chuckled and brought her hand up to kiss her knuckles, and then leaned over to drop a soft kiss on her ear. "Then sing, Babe," he whispered.

She kissed him quickly on the lips before jumping up to go choose her song. Mike leaned across the table and asked, "So is she any good?"

"Oh yeah, she's good," Bobby said proudly.

Alex nodded in agreement. "I've heard her; she's great."

"What do you think she'll sing," Sarah asked.

Bobby laughed. "Well, her first choice would probably be 'Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing'. But considering where she is, I'm going to guess something by Dean Martin. Possibly Sinatra, but Dino is more likely."

"Ahhh…..'That's Amore'," Mike laughed.

Annie was the first person to perform and everyone at their table turned towards her as she stepped in front of the microphone. She smiled across the room at Bobby as the music began.

Busted flat in Baton Rouge, waiting for a train  
And I's feeling near as faded as my jeans.  
Bobby thumbed a diesel down just before it rained,  
It rode us all the way to New Orleans.

Bobby began to laugh as Mike said, "Now _that_ is not Dino!"

I pulled my harpoon out of my dirty red bandanna,  
I was playing soft while Bobby sang the blues.  
Windshield wipers slapping time, I was holding Bobby's hand in mine,  
We sang every song that driver knew.

Annie pulled the microphone off the stand and began to move around the stage. She wasn't even looking at the words on the screen, feeling the rhythm of the music as she swayed her hips.

Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose,  
Nothing don't mean nothing honey if it ain't free, now now.  
And feeling good was easy, Lord, when he sang the blues,  
You know feeling good was good enough for me,  
Good enough for me and my Bobby McGee.

There were whistles and cheers of encouragement from the audience as she sang.

From the Kentucky coal mines to the California sun,  
Hey, Bobby shared the secrets of my soul.  
Through all kinds of weather, through everything we done,  
Hey Bobby baby kept me from the cold.

One day up near Salinas,I let him slip away,  
He's looking for that home and I hope he finds it,  
But I'd trade all of my tomorrows for one single yesterday  
To be holding Bobby's body next to mine.

Bobby's breath caught in his chest as he watched his wife. In less than a month she would be forty four years old. A month after that, they would celebrate their fourteenth wedding anniversary. But to Bobby she looked just as young, and beautiful….and sexy…as the day he met her.

Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose,  
Nothing, that's all that Bobby left me, yeah,  
But feeling good was easy, Lord, when he sang the blues,  
Hey, feeling good was good enough for me, hmm hmm,  
Good enough for me and my Bobby McGee.

He felt a surge of pride shoot through him as the crowd loudly voiced appreciation and began singing along with her. Annie's eyes were closed now and she began dancing.

La da la la la, la da la la la da la  
La da da la la la Bobby McGee yeah  
La da la la la, la da la la la da la  
La da da la la la Bobby McGee yeah  
La da la la la, la da la la la da la  
La da da la la la Bobby McGee yeah  
Lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo  
Lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo  
Lo lo lo lo lo lo Bobby McGee  
Lo lo lo lo lo lo Bobby McGee

The room quieted to a few whistles and shouts of "Yeah!" as she began the last verse.

Lord, I'm calling my lover, calling my man,  
I said I'm calling my lover just the best I can,  
C'mon, hey now Bobby yeah, hey now Bobby McGee, yeah,  
Lordy Lordy Lordy Lordy Lordy Lordy Lordy Lord  
Hey, hey, hey, Bobby McGee, Lord!

Yeah! Whew!

Lordy Lordy Lordy Lordy Lordy Lordy Lordy Lord  
Hey, hey, hey, Bobby McGee.

The bar erupted into cheers and applause as she finished. She put the microphone back on the stand and made her way back to the table.

"She does a _mean_ Janis Joplin," Tom exclaimed.

She was breathing hard and her face was flushed…with excitement or embarrassment, Bobby wasn't sure. She slipped into the seat next to him and smiled as everyone at the table told her how much they enjoyed the song. Bobby slid his arm around her shoulders and pulled her close to whisper in her ear.

"_Ich kann nicht warten, um Ihnen alleindiese nacht, Mrs Goren zu erhalten_."**

He felt her breath hitch and she hid her face against his throat for a moment. Then, sitting back up, she turned back to converse with the rest of the group.

Slowly, the crowd began to thin as people left. "Well, I am going to have to leave," Sarah said. "I need to pick up Jia Li and get her home and in bed." There was a chorus of "good night" and Annie got up to give first Sarah, then Mike, a hug.

"I'm so happy you two are dating," she told them.

******************************************************************

Mike walked Sarah to her car, but pulled her into his arms before she got in.

"Are you sure you have to go home," he whispered against her hair.

"I'm sure," she said with a sigh.

Mike kissed her, tightening his arms around her as she clung to him.

"Well then," he said releasing her and reaching to open her car door. "I guess I better go to the store after work tomorrow. I need to stock up on peanut butter."

She laughed and kissed him again before getting in the car and driving away.

******************************************************************

Carolyn excused herself and left. Jimmy and Angie made the rounds of the people still socializing, saying good night before taking their leave. Tom and Alex walked outside with Bobby and Annie; they stood talking for a few minutes before turning to their respective cars. Alex had left her car in the parking garage at One Police Plaza and rode with Bobby to the bar. She went with Tom to his car.

"Where are we going?"

"There's a full moon tonight," Tom said.

Alex frowned and looked out of the car window. "That doesn't really answer the question, Tom. Where are we going?"

"To Coney Island."

"Why?"

"I….want to take a walk on the beach in the moonlight." He looked over at her and grinned. "It's romantic, Alex."

She sat back without answering. _What am I doing with this guy,_ she wondered. She had been madly and wildly in love with Joe….who bought her a taser as a gift. While she had sometimes wished for a bit more romance from him, for the most part they were in sync. Alex was not a woman who longed for romantic gestures. Yet here she was with a man who sent her flowers for no reason, who called just to say "I miss you", who wanted to walk on the beach in the moonlight. And she found herself looking forward to it.

When Tom parked the car, for once Alex waited for him to open her door. He brushed his lips across her cheek as she stepped out of the car, and held her hand as they walked. At the top of the steps leading down to the beach, Alex stopped and pulled her hand from his. Reaching down she slipped her shoes off.

"I'm not getting sand all over these shoes," she said as he looked at her quizzically. She hated to lose the height that the shoes gave her, especially when in the company of 6' 2" Tom, but her frugal nature wouldn't let her risk ruining a good (and not inexpensive) pair of shoes. She held them in one hand and Tom held the other one. They reached the bottom of the stairs and made their way across the dunes to the hard packed sand close to the water's edge.

Still holding hands, they began walking. Tom was right, it was a full moon. Alex had to admit that the moonlight dappling the wet sand and the waves was beautiful. And romantic. They walked for several minutes in silence. It would be autumn soon, but the days were still warm and the sand beneath Alex's bare feet was warm from absorbing the sun rays all day. Although it was getting late, there were still people on the boardwalk and they could hear the sounds of talking, laughing, and music drifting across the beach.

Tom stopped and turned to look at the waves rolling up on shore, standing behind Alex with his arms around her. She leaned her head back against his chest and watched the waves with him in silence. He smiled as the strains of "Unforgettable" began. He turned Alex to face him and leaned his face close to hers.

"Dance with me, Alex," he whispered.

She looked up at him, startled. "Here?"

"Yeah….here."

She glanced around to see if there were any people nearby to see them, then back up at him. Looking around she saw a large rock nearby and set her shoes on it. Smiling up at him she put one hand on his shoulder and the other in his hand. His hand on her waist pulled her close and they moved in time to the music as Natalie Cole's duet with her father washed over them.

Unforgettable, that's what you are  
Unforgettable though near or far  
Like a song of love that clings to me  
How the thought of you does things to me  
Never before has someone been more

Alex closed her eyes and sighed. In her bare feet, she wasn't tall enough to lay her head on his shoulder, so she rested her cheek against his chest, feeling the thump, thump of his heart against her cheek. A slight breeze made the hem of her skirt flutter around her knees, the air cool on her legs.

Unforgettable in every way  
And forever more, that's how you'll stay  
That's why, darling, it's incredible  
That someone so unforgettable  
Thinks that I am unforgettable too

His breath skittered through her hair, and she felt his lips pressing a kiss to the top of her head. He pulled her hand against his chest, close to her face, and covered it with his large hand.

Unforgettable in every way  
And forever more, that's how you'll stay  
That's why, darling, it's incredible  
That someone so unforgettable  
Thinks that I am unforgettable too

They continued to move as the music faded. Alex smiled against his chest as a rap song replaced Natalie and Nat King Cole. They stopped, but Tom continued to hold her and she looked up at him. They stood for several moments, staring into one another's eyes, still wrapped in an embrace. Tom slowly lowered his head to hers and softly touched her lips with his. It was a light, gentle kiss….but not for long. Her tongue brushed his lips and with a soft groan his mouth covered hers, his tongue swept inside. His hand moved from her waist to her hips and pulled her tightly against him. Alex pulled back slightly to look into his eyes.

"Let's go home, Tom," she whispered.

"Whose home, Alex?"

She reached up to trace a finger over his lips. He kissed her finger and she slid her hand to cup his cheek.

"It doesn't matter….as long as you're there."

******************************************************************

Bobby held Annie's hand as he drove home. As they walked from the car to the front door, Bobby told her that he would watch the baby sitter walk home; she just lived a few doors down from them.

"Good," she whispered, before he opened the door. "I'll slip into something more….comfortable."

He grinned and kissed her. Once inside, Annie said good night to the baby sitter and went upstairs while Bobby paid her and watched to make sure she got home safely. Annie checked in on the children, and then went to the bedroom.

She searched through her "Bobby" drawer, where she kept all the lingerie that he had given her over the years. Pulling out the one she wanted, she took it to the bathroom to change. She looked at herself in the mirror before going back to the bedroom. She sighed at the pounds that crept on over the years, despite the exercise and her (mostly) healthy diet. But Bobby never seemed to mind. In fact, the lingerie he bought her accentuated her curves, as did this red teddy. It laced up the front, barely covered her buttocks, and fell open in front to reveal matching bikini panties that tied on the sides. She pulled her long, blond hair out of its usual French braid and brushed it out to fall over her shoulders and down her back.

Annie opened to the bathroom door, intending to arrange herself enticingly on top of the bed before Bobby came in. But instead she found him already in bed, wearing his tee shirt and boxers….and reading a book. She stopped short and frowned. She thought they both wanted to make love. Surely she hadn't misread the signals.

"Uh…Bobby?"

"Mmm, hmmm?" He didn't even look up.

"What are you doing?"

"Reading."

"Are you going to be reading long?"

"A while. It's that new book on criminal profiling that I've been wanting. I just haven't had time to read much."

He still hadn't looked up, but she detected an almost imperceptible smile tug at the corners of his mouth. He was teasing her. So this was how it was going to be. Bobby wanted to play games….specifically he wanted her to beg. He loved when she begged. _Well, we will just see who begs tonight,_ she thought, suppressing her own smile.

"OK….well," she said, pulling on her bathrobe, "if you are going to be reading for a while, I think I'll go get a snack. Do you want anything?"

"No thanks."

He carefully kept his eyes on his book as Annie turned and left the room. He glanced at the open doorway with a frown. What was she up to? A few minutes later she came back into the room with a bowl and spoon. Closing and locking the bedroom door, she shrugged out of the bathrobe. Now he was watching her admiringly, although he still held the book open in his hands. She smiled as she moved to his side of the bed. Climbing onto the bed, she sat facing him, straddling his thighs.

"I'll share," she said with a smile. "Do you want a bite?"

"No, thank you. I'm not in the mood for choc…."

He stopped as she scooped a spoonful of ice cream into her mouth. It wasn't her favorite Chocolate Fudge Brownie….it was Peach ice cream. _His _favorite.

"Mmmmm….it's really good. Here, have a bite."

He smiled at her and opened his mouth, allowing her to feed him a spoonful of ice cream. She scooped more onto the spoon and brought it towards her mouth. But before it made it into her open mouth, her hand tilted the spoon ever so slightly and the glob of ice cream slid off the spoon and plopped into her cleavage.

"Oops!" She smiled and licked the remaining ice cream off the spoon. "Now look what I've done." She looked at him, her eyes wide with feigned innocence. "I'm sooo clumsy….I really hope it doesn't stain."

Without taking his eyes off of hers, Bobby slowly and deliberately closed his book and placed it on the table next to the bed. He took the bowl and spoon from her and set them next to the book, and then reached for the laces on her teddy.

"Here," he said softly. "_Lassen Sie mich das für Sie erhalten_."***

******************************************************************

The next morning, Bobby grinned at Alex as he set a cup of coffee on her desk, then moved around to sit down at his. Neither he nor his partner had very much to drink the night before, but they could see that several of the detectives and officers could not say the same. There were some rather pained expressions around the bull pen, indicating hangovers. Although he and Alex both shared amused glances, neither of them said anything. They both had been in the same condition and knew how difficult it was to come in to work. They turned their heads at the same time as Captain Deakins opened the door of his office and called them.

"Goren, Eames….I got one for you. Teenage girl has gone missing." Deakins glanced down at the note he had just scribbled. "Bethany Lunden….here on a class trip from Iowa didn't show up for the bus to the airport this morning. Could be a runaway, could be she snuck out to party last night and is sleeping it off somewhere this morning. But we need to get on this quick, before the press gets hold of it."

Bobby picked up his notebook as Alex took the notes from the captain, and they made their way to the elevator.

**End chapter 5**

_**__I can't wait to get you alone tonight, Mrs. Goren_

_***__ Let me get that for you_

Thank you to Irving Gordon for writing the unforgettable "Unforgettable" and to Natalie and Nat King Cole for recording it. Thanks also to "Bridezillas". Although I have never watched the show, their many commercials during Bravo's LOCI marathons used this song and each time made me envision Tom and Alex dancing on the beach.

Another thank you to Kris Kristofferson and Fred Foster for writing "Me and Bobby McGee". Though many have recorded that song, it was Janis Joplin that Annie was channeling as she sang.

17


	6. Chapter 6

**DISINTEGRATION**

**CHAPTER 6**

_The next two chapters take place during In the Wee Small Hours. Thank you to Judy for you beta services. And to Judy, Squarey, and Flashymom for letting me bounce ideas and talk on and on and on about my plans for these characters….and never pointing out to me that they aren't real, but only exist in my overactive imagination!_

Annie had just fallen asleep when she heard the doorbell downstairs. She got up, but heard Bobby opening the door. Curious as to who would be dropping in so late at night, she headed for the stairs. She took one step down, and then stopped as she heard a familiar voice.

"Hey Bobby." Even though it was slurred, there was no mistaking the voice.

"What are you doing here, man?" Bobby's voice was soft, noncommittal.

"Do I need an excuse to come and see my little brother?"

"Yeah, Frank, you do. What do you want?"

Annie sat down on the top step and listened to the brothers.

"Look, Bobby…..I, uh…I need a….I just need to cover a bet I lost. But," he added quickly, "it's only for a couple of days. I'm good for it next week, I swear."

She couldn't see them, but she could hear the weariness in Bobby's voice as he said, "I told you before, Frank. No more. I'm not covering any more gambling losses. If you're gonna keep doing this, you're on your own. I'm out."

"C'mon, man…this is serious. I need to pay these guys off."

"Then I hope you find the money, Frank. But it's not coming from me. And I hope you get clean. But until you do, don't come around my house or my family again."

"That's what this is about, isn't it, Bobby? Your wife?" Annie felt a shiver run down her spine. "She's still pissed that she didn't get me thrown in prison and now she's leading you around by the nose. That prissy little bit…."

His voice was cut off suddenly and she heard the sounds of a scuffle. She got up and went down the stairs, but stopped at the bottom landing as she heard Bobby's voice, low and menacing.

"I told you not to _ever_ talk about my wife like that. And for your information, Annie doesn't even know that you've been asking for money. This is _me_, Frank. Your 'little brother' is sick and tired of bailing you out just to see you piss it all away." She heard more rustling and Bobby continued. "Here's enough money to get you a cab to whatever hole you are living in now. I mean it, Frank. Don't come back around here unless you're clean."

She watched as Bobby stepped back into the house and firmly closed the door. He turned and stopped as he caught sight of her. They stared at one another for a moment, and then Annie stepped towards him. He shook his head and held up a warning hand.

"Not now, Annie. I don't want to talk about this now."

She stopped and watched him as he walked into the kitchen. She heard the refrigerator open and close, the sound of a beer opening. Then the sound of the basement door opening and closing.

Annie stood for a moment, undecided, and then turned and went back upstairs. She climbed into bed and closed her eyes….willing herself back to sleep.

**********************************************************************

Bobby sat the empty beer bottle on the end table next to the couch in his office. He leaned his head back against the dark, soft leather and closed his eyes. He wished Frank hadn't come to the house tonight. And he really wished Annie had not heard their conversation.

He knew she wanted to talk, to ask him questions, but he wasn't up to it. He rubbed his eyes, seeing in his mind the hurt on her face when he told her he didn't want to discuss it. She didn't deserve that….but he didn't know how else to keep from getting into yet another discussion that would end up in an argument.

He got up and turned off the lights, heading upstairs. In the bedroom he found Annie asleep on his side of the bed, curled around his pillow. She frequently did that when he wasn't in the bed with her. He got ready for bed, stripped down to his tee-shirt and boxers, and slipped into the bed on Annie's side. He leaned over her, propped on his elbow, and watched her sleep. Taking a lock of her hair, he twirled it around his finger. Annie stirred.

"Bobby," she murmured and he lay down and wrapped his arms around her from behind. He buried his face in her hair and inhaled the faint lilac scent that lingered.

"I love you, Annie," he whispered.

She snuggled closer against him and laced her fingers through his, pulling his palm against her lips and kissing it softly.

"I love you too, Babe."

"_She engaged in reckless and inappropriate behavior."_

The words spoken by the teenage girl's father rang in Bobby's head as he drove home. It was five days since Bethany Lunden disappeared and it didn't feel like they were any closer to finding out what happened to her. The two boys who went missing had turned up at the airport in what appeared to be a completely unrelated incident. They did find a girl who they believed had been with the same boy Bethany met at a club. The boy had posted pictures of the girl and himself after having sex. Looking at the pictures of the half-naked girl, who was obviously so drunk she didn't know what she was doing, Bobby thought of his own daughter, on the verge of becoming a teenager, and he felt nauseous.

"No wonder her dad went nuts," Captain Deakins had said, and Bobby agreed. He couldn't imagine what he would do if those pictures had been of Ally. The thought of her being used the way that Suzy was….the way he suspected Bethany was used as well, and possibly a third girl. Who knew how many others there had been.

He knew he had missed dinner….again. He and Eames, as well as Logan and Barek, had been working long hours since Bethany's disappearance. It was almost dark when he pulled into the driveway and lights were on inside the house. As he opened the door, Annie was standing on the stairs, about half-way up, with her back to him.

"……and that bathroom better be spotless when I come back up there or there will be NO TV time tonight!"

She spun around when she heard the door close; she smiled at him as they met at the bottom of the stairs and embraced.

"Tough night?" He felt some of his tension evaporate as he held her against him and nuzzled her neck.

"Just the usual," she said with a sigh. "I sent the boys up to get their baths and they destroyed the bathroom."

He kissed her and held her without speaking for several moments. Finally he pulled away and asked, "Where's Ally?"

"In her latest favorite place…the playhouse, reading. I was going to send her up to get her bath…after the boys clean it, that is."

"I'll get her," he said.

He kissed her again and turned towards the kitchen. Going into the backyard, he looked over at the playhouse. It was too dark for her to read and he could see the light of a battery-operated lantern shining through the small windows.

He had built the playhouse from scratch, the summer Ally turned three. Annie was pregnant with the twins and had brought lemonade and cookies out to the two of them as they worked. Mostly he worked and Ally handed him tools and chattered nonstop. He could still see the look of admiration on her face when it was finally finished. She thought that her Daddy could do anything. When it came to decorating the finished product, he was relegated to handyman as Annie and Ally took over. He painted it inside and out with the colors they picked out. It was definitely a playhouse for a three year old girl; all pink, lace, and "Hello Kitty" designs. The décor had changed over the years as Ally's tastes had changed and as the boys had grown, first to share the playhouse and then, for a time, to take up residence when she lost interest. Recently, Ally had begun spending time in the playhouse again, finding it a nice refuge for reading.

That was also the summer that his mother's condition had worsened to the point that he went to court to have her declared incompetent and himself appointed her conservator, and then had her admitted to Carmel Ridge. In the midst of that emotional turmoil, he had looked forward every evening to coming home to work on the playhouse. Seeing Ally's excitement and hearing her say, "Oh Daddy! It's the best house in the whole world!" had been soothing after watching his mother slipping further and further away from him.

**********************************************************************

Ally was curled up on the floor, propped up on pillows as she read. She was so engrossed in the book that she didn't realize her father was approaching until she heard his knock and the door swung open. She looked up, surprised, as he squeezed himself inside and sat down next to her.

She couldn't remember the last time Dad had been in the playhouse. It was really too small for her big father and sitting on the floor seemed to bother his knee. He used to come in sometimes when she was little. While it was usually Mom who played make-believe with her, Dad would occasionally squeeze into the playhouse and very solemnly take part in her tea parties. Playing with Mom was more of a collaboration in imagination. Mom was the one who made up stories and encouraged Ally and her brothers to do the same. When Mom played with them, she tossed out ideas for characters and plots. But when Dad played with her, Ally was the writer and director. She told him what the story was and who each of them would be. He always played whatever role Ally assigned to him and took her direction without trying to change anything.

She suppressed a smile as he lowered himself to the floor, remembering the times he had sat with her, sipping from tiny tea cups and conversing with her assorted dolls, stuffed animals, and imaginary friends.

"What are you reading," he asked.

"The Silver Chair," she told him, looking at him questioningly.

"Ah…The Chronicles of Narnia….that's a good one." She nodded, but didn't answer. He was silent for a moment before saying, "You're growing up."

"Yeah," she agreed, remembering the day she started her period and he took her to lunch.

"It won't be long until you're in high school."

"Yeah."

"And dating."

Ally blushed. What was her father leading up to? She really, really hoped it wasn't a conversation about the birds and the bees.

"I just…." He hesitated and Ally groaned inwardly. "I just want you to know…before you start dating, before you have boyfriends….that no one who…cares about you would ask you to do things you aren't comfortable with."

Oh no! It _was_ about the birds and the bees! And she was trapped in this playhouse!

"Dad! I already know…you know…'the facts of life'. You don't have to…" She trailed off.

"I know, I know," he told her quickly. "I just want you to know that no matter how much you like someone, or even love someone….if anyone, a girl or a boy….asks you to do things that you don't want to do, or that you know are wrong…."

"Just say no?" She grinned at him and he smiled back at her.

"Yeah…just say no."

"I will, Dad."

"Good." He hesitated, obviously uncomfortable, and Ally felt her stomach flutter. He wasn't through yet. "Sweetheart….you don't…." He took a deep breath and went on. "Are any of your friends…anyone you know…sexually active?"

"Dad," she wailed, horrified that he would ask her that question. "Gross! No!"

"OK, good." He smiled at her as she tried to hide her face behind her book. "Just one more question."

She peeked at him over the top of her book. "What," she asked warily.

"Would you tell me if you did know someone who was having sex?"

She opened her mouth to say what she knew he wanted to hear; that of course she would tell him. But as she looked into her father's dark eyes and registered the sincere, intense look he was giving her, she found herself searching her own heart for the truth. What was the truth? Would she tell him if one of her friends was having sex? Would she tell him if she was having sex?

"I….I don't know," she said softly.

She waited for him to react, but he just looked at her for a moment before smiling.

"It's OK, Ally. I'm done with the questions. I want you to know that you can always come to me or to Mom and tell us anything. Even if it's something you think we won't understand or that you think will make us mad. Because we might not always understand, and we might even get mad. But we will always try. And we will always love you. Do you know that?" She nodded and he nodded back. "Mom wants you to go take your bath and get ready for bed."

She sighed with relief and closed her book. Dad sat where he was as she got up to leave, pulling her into a hug as she passed him. He kissed the top of her head.

"I love you, Sweetheart."

"I love you too, Daddy." She wiggled out of his arms and went through the playhouse door. Sandy was waiting outside for her and jumped up, overjoyed to see her. They raced to the house and at the door Ally turned to look back at the playhouse. Dad was still inside. She leaned down and hugged Sandy fiercely.

"Parents are so weird," she whispered to the dog before going into the house.

Annie was in her SUV, ready to leave the church after serving lunch. Her cell phone rang and she looked at the ID on the screen. It was a number she hadn't seen on her phone in over a year. Carmel Ridge. Why was someone at the facility calling her? She had kept in touch with the administrator and the director of nursing for some time after that awful Thanksgiving when Frances had effectively cut Annie out of her life. But eventually she had stopped calling when it became clear that this was not a temporary rift.

"Hello?"

"Ms. Paine? This is the Director of Nursing at Carmel Ridge. The administrator is calling your husband right now, but I thought I should call and let you know what is going on with Mrs. Goren."

"What's happened?" Fear clutched at her. It must be bad if they were even calling her.

"Well…Mrs. Goren had a visitor today. A man who said his mother was an old friend of hers, and that he knew Mr. Goren from the police academy. He…he had a badge, so our receptionist didn't question it. But…he began asking Mrs. Goren a lot of questions about your husband and their family…his father, his brother. Mrs. Goren got upset, but he was alone with her and kept pushing her for answers. Annie….she had a psychotic break. We had to restrain her."

"Physically?"

"Physically and chemically. I'm afraid she is…well, she's very heavily sedated and has been restrained in her bed since this morning. We check on her, of course, and release the restraints and check for circulation."

"And how is she?"

"She's not responsive right now."

"I'm on my way," Annie told her. She ended the call and immediately called Bobby.

"Annie?" He must have gotten the call; she could hear the frustration and tension in his voice.

"The Director of Nursing from Carmel Ridge called me. I'm on my way up there."

"No, you don't need to do that. I'll go…I just have to do something first."

"Bobby," she said, "I can go. I'm in my car, I can leave right now."

"It's not necessary. I'll get up there as soon as I can."

"But I want…."

"I said NO!" There was a stunned silence. Bobby took a deep breath. "It will only upset her if she wakes up to find you there, Annie. That's the last thing she needs right now."

"I…I just want to help."

The frustration in his voice was evident as he answered. "You can help by staying out of this. I'll take care of it."

"Alright," she said softly. "I'll just go home then." She hesitated before continuing. "Wi….will you call me and tell me how she is?"

"We'll talk when I get home. I have to go now." He ended the call.

Annie sat for several moments, staring at the phone. Then she started the SUV and drove home. All she told the children that night was that Daddy would be home late. She decided to let him tell them whatever he felt they should know. After they went to bed, she sat down on the couch and tried to read while she waited for Bobby.

It was very late when the front door opened and Bobby walked in. She could see how fatigued he was. He was favoring his knee, as he did when he was very tired. The weight he had put on over the last year, since the injury, didn't help. Tired though he was she could see he was still agitated as well. He was carrying his coat and tie over his arm and he tossed them over the banister of the stairs. He didn't speak to her, just headed to the kitchen and pulled a beer out of the refrigerator and sat down at the table. Annie followed him and sat down across from him.

"So…how is she," she asked softly.

"Not good," he shook his head. "She's still heavily medicated, although they've removed the restraints. It's going to take a couple of weeks to get her medication regulated again."

"Who was the man that visited her? Do you know him?"

"No…it's…" he sighed wearily. "It's all related to a case we're working. I can't talk about it now."

"But…"

"I said I can't talk about it, Annie."

They stared at one another across the table.

"Again." He raised an eyebrow in question. "You can't talk about it…again. Your mother, your work…off limits. Again."

"You know why I don't talk about my mother. And there are just some cases that are too sensitive for me to talk about."

"Evidently _all _of your cases are too sensitive these days. You don't talk to me about work at all. And no, I don't know why you can't talk to me about your mother. You know I care about her."

"And you know that she wants nothing to do with you. But you keep pushing. If I try to talk to you about her, it just ends up in an argument."

"If you would just let me see her…"

Bobby slammed the beer bottle down on the table. It didn't break, but beer shot up out of the neck and spilled across Bobby's hand.

"_This_ is why I don't talk to you about my mother! You won't let it go! She _does not want to see you_, Annie. She's been very clear about that and she hasn't changed her mind. If you try to force yourself on her, she's just going to have more episodes like today because she will constantly be upset. Is that what you want, Annie? Is that what it will take for you to understand that I can't take that chance?" Annie didn't answer, keeping her eyes on the table. "This isn't my fault, Annie. I didn't create this situation."

Annie didn't think she could trust her voice, so she nodded her head without looking up. They sat in silence for several minutes. Annie watched as Bobby got up and washed his hand, then cleaned the spilled beer off of the table. Finally, still not looking at him and still without speaking, she got up from the table and went upstairs. Bobby didn't come to bed that night, instead sleeping on the couch in his office.

Annie didn't sleep well, dozing fitfully and waking frequently to look at the empty space next to her. Since it was obvious he wasn't coming to bed that night, she moved over to Bobby's side and curled herself around his pillow, inhaling his scent. But even that didn't help. She finally gave up around 2 AM. She sat up and turned on the light next to her side of the bed. Pulling out the book she was reading, she tried to focus on the printed words. It was useless; the words didn't make sense to her, even after reading the same paragraph four times. She tossed it aside and picked up her Bible, turning to her favorite book…Ruth. The familiar words failed to soothe her tonight. Wrapping her arms around her knees, hugging the open Bible against her chest, Annie tried to pray. Again, there was no familiar sense of peace.

Finally, she got up and quietly opened the bedroom door, listening. She didn't hear Bobby moving around downstairs and the lights were all off. She padded downstairs in her bare feet and went to the door of the basement. Carefully turning the door knob, trying not to make any sound, she gently pushed the door open and peeked in. The lights were off, but the office was lit by the ambient light of the computer on Bobby's desk. She slipped inside and silently closed the door. She crept down the stairs half way and then slid down to sit on one of the steps.

She could see Bobby lying on his couch, his back towards her. His breathing was shallow and even. Annie wrapped her arms around her legs and rested her head on her knees, watching him sleep. She didn't know how long she sat there and she wasn't aware of having dozed off, but she woke with a start. Sitting up, she blinked in confusion for a moment before remembering where she was. Glancing at Bobby, she discovered that he was no longer asleep, either. He was still lying on the couch, but now he was facing her, his head propped on his hand as he silently watched her.

They looked at one another for several long moments before Annie quietly stood and descended the rest of the stairs. As she approached the couch, Bobby scooted over to make room for her and then wrapped his arms around her when she slid next to him. They lay quietly, not moving. Overwhelmed by his scent and the feel of him lying along the length of her, tears welled up in Annie's eyes. They spilled down her cheeks and her shoulders shook softly as she tried to hold back. Bobby's arms tightened around her, his hand pressing against the back of her head, his lips against her hair, his soft whispers of comfort and apology almost inaudible. His gentleness undid her and she began to cry in earnest, clinging to him.

"I love her, Bobby," she said finally.

"I know, Babe, I know."

"And I miss her. She's been such a big part of my life for so long and suddenly she's…..she's just gone."

"Annie…."

He tilted her head back so that she was looking up at him. He kissed her eyes, her wet cheeks, her nose, nipped first one earlobe and then the other, felt her gasp as he kissed her throat, lingering in the sensitive hollow at the base, then back up to her lips, where he captured her mouth for a long, deep kiss. Annie kissed him back hungrily, pressing herself more tightly against him. He sighed deeply as she kissed his face as he had kissed hers, down to his throat, and back to his mouth.

"Make love to me, Bobby," she whispered against his lips.

He glanced towards the door at the top of the stairs. "The kids," he reminded her.

She kissed his throat again. "They're upstairs and asleep….they won't hear us." Bobby looked at her in surprise. Annie was the one who was always so concerned about privacy. But now he gasped as she slid her hand under the waistband of his boxers. "Please, Babe…make love to me."

Groaning softly, he tangled his fingers in her silky hair and pulled her head back so that she was again looking up at him. He covered her mouth with his, and then rolled to cover her body as well.

**End chapter 6**

13


	7. Chapter 7

**DISINTEGRATION**

**CHAPTER 7**

_This chapter is again set during In the Wee Small Hours. Thank you to Judy for beta'ing the entire chapter, and to Flashymom and Squarey for beta'ing Tom and Alex's scene. And I'm giving fair warning; there is a Smut Alert for the Tom and Alex scene. It is definitely an adult scene._

"_So Mr. Carver, Tiana becomes leverage to get a conviction for the murder of a white girl?"_

Frustrated, Mike slammed the door of the refrigerator hard enough that he heard the various glass bottles and jars rattle against each other. He had intended to get a beer out, but then decided against it.

"Mike?"

He turned to find Sarah standing between the small kitchen and living room, looking at him questioningly. They had gone out to dinner and then back to his apartment, where they had made love. She was dressed and ready to leave since she needed to get home to Jia Li.

He sighed as he looked at her. He knew he hadn't been very good company tonight; he was silent most of the evening. He was distracted and angered by this case with the judge and his son. Even having the beautiful Sarah in his bed and in his arms had not been enough to get the case out of his head.

"I know something is wrong," she said. "Please tell me."

He suddenly felt remorse that she hadn't enjoyed the evening. He shouldn't have let his work interfere with the precious time he had with her. He strode across the kitchen and pulled her into his arms, burying his face against her neck. Her arms went around his waist and she hugged him tightly.

"Tell me what's wrong," she repeated.

"It's this case," he said. He pulled away and took her hand, leading her to the couch in the living room.

"The judge? I saw you on TV yesterday, arresting him."

"Yeah," he said, leaning back and pulling her against him with one arm. "We arrested him."

"And? Isn't that good?"

Mike shrugged. "Yeah, it's good. I just…..he's already got his people going after us."

"Going after you? How?"

"Dredging up bogus 'excessive force' charges against me…most of them are from before I went to Staten Island. Someone pulled Barek's FBI file from when she worked with them after 9/11. The worst, though, is what they did to Goren."

"What did they do?" She sat up so that she could turn and face him.

"A private investigator, an ex-cop of all things, went to the psych hospital where Goren's mother lives and questioned her. He upset her so bad, I hear she had a psychotic break. Goren used it to trick the judge into confessing he had sex with the girl. He's never said much about his mother to me, but I'm guessing he's pissed. This judge…he's a bad guy, Sarah."

"And now he's going to trial, right? So why are you still so upset?"

Mike leaned forward with his elbows on his knees and rubbed his face.

"Because he's not the only bad guy here. Goren thinks he's the one who killed the Lunden girl, but that son of his….he's mixed up in this, too. And he's skating on this one so that we can get his testimony against his father."

"So you think the son did it?"

Mike stood up and paced around the small room. "I don't know. He did it, or he was in on it with his father....it wouldn't be the first time they shared a woman. I don't know. But whatever his involvement with Bethany, there's no question about his involvement with Tiana Peterson. He drugged her, he had sex with her, and he was with her when she died. But he's going to get a slap on the wrist just so we can get his testimony against the judge."

"Did he kill her?"

Mike shook his head. "It doesn't play like that. By his own admission, when he was being taped without his knowledge, she fell and hit her head. But he gave her the drugs that probably made her so unsteady that she did fall. And he didn't try to get any help for her. On that tape, he said that her head 'bounced off the rail like a beach ball.' A beach ball! This teenage girl is dead and the little pervert thinks it's funny! To him, she was nothing more than a box to check off on his sex list."

"But he's being charged with something, right?"

"Yeah…" He kept pacing. "But from the beginning, Tiana has gotten the short end of this. When we first found out she was missing, the Chief of D's wanted 'all our resources' concentrated on the pretty white girl…not the Black girl. And then we find her body but instead of justice for Tiana, she's used to get a conviction in Bethany's case."

"So you think…."

"I think that Tiana's mother is right; if she was a white girl, her disappearance and her death would have been taken more seriously."

"Mike…." Sarah frowned. "Are you saying that the department is racist? And the DA's office? I mean….Mr. Carver….isn't he Black?"

"Carver is Black. But evidently getting a conviction on a high profile case, with a high profile defendant, is more important than…."

She shook her head. "I can't believe that."

"Sarah, it was Deakins who told us that we had to focus on the Lunden case."

"What do you mean? He said you couldn't even investigate Tiana's death?"

"He said that the Chief of Ds wanted us focused on the case getting all the press. He did finally give Barek and me the rest of the day to look at Tiana's disappearance."

"So he didn't shut you down completely?"

"Yeah well…his 'support' was pretty shaky. Deakins is a 'party line' guy. He's not going to rock the boat."

"But he did let you go on investigating….and then you found the girl's body."

"Do you hear what you just said? He 'let us'. He's a cop, he shouldn't be 'letting us' investigate the disappearance of a teenage girl. He should be directing it. And now we have a body, we have DNA, we even have a taped confession. And what does Deakins do when the ADA wants to ignore the Black girl because the white girl is getting all the publicity? Nothing…not a damn thing."

Sarah stood up and put her hands on her hips. "Are you saying he's a racist?"

"I'm saying he's a player…he plays all the bullshit political games instead of…."

"Instead of what," she interrupted furiously. "Instead of doing his job? My uncle is not a racist! And he doesn't play 'bullshit political games'. He's a cop! And a good one!"

"You don't know what you're talking about! All you see is 'Uncle Jimmy', this kind, sweet, fatherly…."

"Stop it! You are not going to talk about my uncle that way!"

"That's right…he's your uncle. But he's my boss and I see a side of him that you never……"

"Stop it," she shouted. "You didn't think he was so bad as a boss when he stuck his neck out to get you out of Staten Island, did you?!" She grabbed her purse and headed towards the door. "I'm not staying here to listen to you bad mouth my family."

"Because your family is off limits to me, aren't they Sarah?" She had never heard Mike raise his voice before, but it was his words more than their volume that stopped her as she was about to open the door and storm out of his apartment. She turned slowly to face him.

"What," she asked softly. Mike's voice was also soft when he answered.

"Your family, Sarah. We've been together seven months and I've only been to your house when Jia Li isn't there. I haven't met your daughter; I haven't met your parents. The only reason I've met your uncle is that he's my boss."

She stared at him for a moment and then slowly moved to sit down on the couch. She looked up at him and said, "I didn't know this was bothering you."

He sat down on the coffee table, his knees barely touching hers. "I guess I didn't know it was bothering me, either."

"And I didn't know it was so important to you."

Mike reached for Sarah's hands and held them gently between his own as he looked into her eyes.

"They are important to _you_….that makes them important to me."

She grasped his hands. "I want you to meet her, to meet all of my family. I….I….just…." She sighed. "It's been just Jia Li and me for so long. And I didn't think that you were…" She looked down at her lap, then back up shyly. "I didn't think you were a 'kid person'."

He chuckled. "That makes two of us. Truthfully, the few women I've dated who had kids, I wasn't all that anxious to meet them. I wasn't looking to be a 'father figure' to anyone."

"And now?"

"Now? Well, now it's _you_, Sweetheart….and you aren't like any other woman I've dated. I still don't know about being a 'father figure', but what I do know is that I want to know everything about you and everyone in your life…including your daughter."

"Mike," she said softly. "I…I don't think I'm ready to…you know….share her. And I can't bring you around the rest of my family…."

"Until I've met Jia Li," he finished for her. Mike lifted her hands to his lips and kissed first one and then the other. "I don't want to rush you into anything you aren't ready for."

"I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry I said the things I did."

"I overreacted about Uncle Jimmy."

"You know that I am grateful to the captain for everything he's done for me…right?"

Sarah nodded. "I know."

"I just keep seeing that girl's face on the missing person poster….and hearing that kid talk about her death like it was some kind of joke. And I get…." He sighed. "But I shouldn't dump on you."

"I want you to be able to talk about your job." She smiled at him and leaned forward to kiss him softly on the lips. "I promise not to get mad…no matter what you say about Captain Deakins….as long as you don't criticize Uncle Jimmy."

Mike laughed. "Captain Deakins, Uncle Jimmy….they're both good guys."

He slid off the coffee table and knelt in front of her. His arms went around her waist and pulled her close as her arms wrapped around his neck. His mouth covered hers for a long, gentle kiss.

Alex slipped from the bed, careful not to awaken Tom. In the darkness, she felt around on the floor through the pile of clothing that had been discarded earlier in the evening. Her fingers closed on Tom's tee-shirt and she pulled it from the pile and slipped it over her head. She glanced at the clock and noted it was a little after 3 AM. She walked barefoot over to the door that opened onto a small balcony from Tom's bedroom. This was probably her favorite part of his house; she loved to stand out there at night and watch the lights of other homes where people were living and loving and fighting and making up. She and Tom had never had a serious argument and she hoped that the fighting and making up part was something they would never have to do.

She closed the door quietly behind her and turned to look at the night view. It was chilly out, but she didn't want to go back in to get slippers or a robe. She wrapped her arms around her and hugged herself. She liked wearing Tom's shirt; liked the feeling that she was wrapped in his scent.

Alex leaned her elbows on the balustrade and sighed deeply. This case with the missing girl…two girls, actually…and the judge had been difficult. She was glad it was over. At least, it was over until it actually went to trial. The closer they got to the judge, the uglier it had become. She was especially worried about her partner. What Judge Garrett's henchman did to Bobby's mother was unforgivable. Her mental health was always a concern to him, but now that the private investigator had precipitated a psychotic break, it might take some time for her to recover.

She heard the door open behind her, and she closed her eyes as Tom moved to stand behind her, wrapping his arms around her and nuzzling her neck. She hadn't realized how cold she was until she felt his warmth. She was also acutely aware that he was naked.

"Can't sleep," he asked quietly.

"No. I'm sorry I woke you."

"It's OK," he said, rubbing his stubble against her soft skin and causing a shiver to run down her spine that was definitely not from the cold. "Anything you want to talk about?"

She sighed and leaned her head back against his broad, solid chest. "It's just this case."

"The one with the judge?"

"Yeah. I'm glad it's over, but there may be repercussions for some time. Garrett isn't going to go down quietly."

"But it is over, right?"

"Well, the investigation is over. Now there's the trial. I don't know when that will be; Carver's ready, but Garrett's lawyers keep wrangling and asking for postponements." Alex sighed. "What Garrett and his people have done to try to discredit Goren and Logan and Barek….it just makes me furious. When Goren got that call about his mother and stormed out of the squad room, I called Carver and then went after him. I was afraid he might actually attack Garrett, as angry as he was. And to tell you the truth…I don't know how hard I would have tried to prevent it. I couldn't believe it when he used his anger to play the judge and get him to confess to having sex with Bethany. That must have really cost Goren a lot. If he had come across the investigator who went to see his mother, I think he really would have gone after him."

Tom nodded, his face against hers as they both stared out into the night.

"How's Goren now," he asked.

Alex shrugged. "He says he's 'fine'. But I don't know…he's not talking to me about it much. We've always been able to talk, but lately he's becoming more and more withdrawn. I mean, on the job he gives a hundred percent, like always. But…we used to talk and lately….not so much. I hope he's talking to his wife."

"Well, they seem to have a good marriage; they've been together a long time and through a lot. If something is bothering him, I would bet Annie knows all about it."

"Yeah…in the time I've known them, they've been very devoted to each other. Did I ever tell you about Annie being attacked a few years ago?"

"No," he said in surprise. "Attacked how?"

"This crazy guy that came to eat at her church's soup kitchen stabbed her….two or three times. She was pregnant at the time and lost the baby."

"Wow, I had no idea."

"When the captain called us into his office and told Goren what had happened and that Annie was in the hospital, I've never seen him so….I don't know how to describe it….lost, I guess."

"I can't even imagine what that was like for him, for them."

"It was a tough time, but they got through it and seemed even closer. I just hope he's talking to Annie about all of this and leaning on her."

Tom smiled at the mental image of the big detective leaning on his much smaller wife. He kissed the side of Alex's throat and said, "So they went after Goren and Logan and Barek. What about you?"

She shook her head. "Not so far. But the trial is probably a few months away. Who knows what they will dig up on me?"

"_Is_ there anything to dig up," he asked with a smile.

She realized that she didn't feel like talking so seriously about the case anymore, reflecting about what they might dig up on her, so she changed things around by saying, "Maybe there is something about sleeping with firefighters that proves I'm incapable of doing my job."

"Hmmm…." Tom's hands moved from her waist to the hem of the shirt and slipped underneath, his fingers on her thighs were warm as he squeezed gently. "Then I guess we should give them plenty of ammunition." His hands moved to cup the bare curve of her buttocks, causing her to gasp.

"Exhibitionist," she murmured thinking about the fact that they were outside.

"It's late, everyone is asleep. But we can always move down here…."

Without warning his knees pressed against Alex's knees from behind, causing them to bend. It was a small space and Tom sat with his back against the wall and his feet touching the balustrade. Alex, her back still to him, was sitting on his lap, her knees bent and her legs underneath her on either side of his thighs. She leaned back against him as he pulled the tee-shirt off of one shoulder and began kissing her exposed skin. Her breath caught in her chest as his hands pulled the hem of the shirt up and his fingers explored her bare legs beginning with her feet, over her calves, across her bent knees, and up her thighs.

"Tom," she whispered.

One hand moved to tangle in her hair and pull her head back onto his shoulder. Turning her face towards him, he kissed the side of her throat and along her jaw, and then caught her mouth with his. She returned his kiss eagerly, opening her lips and welcoming his tongue as it played along her lips and then explored inside. She gasped as the hand on her thigh moved higher, but didn't quite touch her in the spot that was now longing to be touched. Instead, as he continued to kiss her, his hand moved gently over her hip and her belly, pausing just under her breast. She moaned and arched, trying to make contact with the hand that was so close. But he grinned against her lips and left his hand resting on her ribs.

Alex turned around to face him, sitting astride his thighs. They stared at one another without touching for a moment. Alex leaned forward and splayed her fingers across his stomach, feeling the muscles beneath her hands. His hands rested on her thighs. She began a slow exploration of his body...moving upward over his taut abdominal muscles, along his pectoral muscles. She felt his breath catch as she ran her fingers through the short, bristly hair that dusted his chest. Tom's heart thudded beneath her right hand and his chest rose and fell as his breathing deepened. His fingers tightened their grip on her thighs. She leaned forward and lightly ran her tongue over his lips, tugging his lower lip between her teeth and sucking briefly before raining delicate kisses along his jaw line and down his throat.

Tom's head fell back against the wall and he groaned softly. His fingers tightened even more on her thighs as he urged her towards him. But she stayed in place as her lips moved lower to nuzzle the hair on his chest. She continued kissing and nipping, her lips moving lower still. He gasped as she sucked gently on one small, flat nipple, rubbing it with her tongue, softly tugging with her teeth. His hands moved to tangle in her hair and she turned her attention to the other nipple.

"Alex," he gasped.

She sat up and his hands dropped to his side as he watched her pull the tee-shirt over her head, dropping it to the ground beside them. He gazed at her in admiration for a moment, then his big hands circled her waist, resting lightly on her hips. His hands slid along her ribs, then framed her small breasts. He looked into her eyes for a moment.

"God, you're beautiful," he whispered.

He leaned forward and kissed a taut, rosy bud. He caught one nipple between his teeth and kissed gently, rubbing his tongue across it, drawing more of her breast into his mouth, his hands still holding both breasts firmly. It was Alex's turn to moan and grasp his short hair in her fingers as she arched into his mouth. When he turned his attention to the other breast, his thumb continued to rub the nipple his mouth had just released. She moaned louder, wet against Tom's thighs. She tried to scoot her hips closer to him, but he held her firmly in place as he continued to torture her, kissing her breasts, keeping the slow massage with his thumbs as his lips, teeth, and tongue moved from one to the other. Alex wiggled and groaned, arching into him and gripping his hair almost painfully. Finally he raised his head and looked into her eyes. She braced herself with her hands on the wall on either side of his head and leaned her forehead against his as she tried to catch her breath.

"D…do you have….," she gasped.

He held her face between his hands and kissed her gently before reaching over to pick up the small packet he had dropped on the ground as he came onto the balcony. Holding it up, Tom grinned at her. She took the package from him and tore it open, pulling out the condom. Tom's smile faded as he felt her small hands on him, holding him in one hand as the other positioned the condom and unrolled it along his length. Once it was on, her hands lingered. Alex enjoyed the feel of him throbbing as she gently rubbed up and down. Tom grasped her hips and pulled her towards him with urgency.

Alex put her hands on his shoulders and rose up on her knees, scooting forward until she was in position over him. His hands gripped her hips, but he did not try to rush her. Alex put her hands back on the wall on either side of his head. She leaned forward to kiss him while she slowly lowered herself onto him. She groaned against his lips as her body adjusted to his size and he filled her completely. Once he was inside her they were still for a moment, both panting.

Tom looked at her, marveling as he always did at her beauty. Her shoulder-length, light brown hair was in wild disarray around her face, her blond highlights gleaming in the moonlight. Her expressive brown eyes were closed at the moment; her head was tilted back, an expression of wonder on her lovely face. Her arms were next to his face as she leaned her hands against the wall. His gaze wandered down the sleek throat that he ached to kiss to her breasts, small, round, and firm. He loved the hint of cleavage in her clothing; when she was nude, he loved the way they felt against his chest, or in his hands….or in his mouth. What he wanted to do more than anything was to grab this exquisite creature sitting on top of him, throw her to the ground, and push into her over and over until he exploded. But he didn't move, waiting for Alex's lead.

Alex relished the feel of Tom inside her; she could feel him throb within her, hear his deep breaths. She knew this was torture for him and admired his self-control. She opened her eyes and kissed him again, beginning to rock slowly back and forth. Her arousal built as she pulled away until he was almost out and then slid back to bury him deep within her. As she moved faster and thrust harder, her breathing became more ragged; her face was next to his, his stubble rubbing against the soft skin of her cheek. Unable to move in this position, Tom's fingers tightened on her hips; the feel of her tight and wet around him and the friction of her plunging onto him and pulling away pushed him closer and closer to the edge. His hands glided from her hips, over her ribs, to once again encircle her perfect breasts. Alex whimpered softly when his thumbs brushed across her nipples, setting off a current that ran directly to her groin to join the sensations already building to an imminent explosion. It wouldn't take much to set it off and Tom provided that last spark as he moved one hand slowly down her belly, through the springy triangle of hair, parted her and slid his thumb across the bundle of nerves contained in the tiny nub within.

Alex's head dropped to his shoulder and she cried out softly as the tingling that extended from her womb to her feet ignited into a fiery spasm that spread throughout every nerve in her body. She continued her rhythmic thrusting as wave after wave swept through her, conscious of the fact that Tom had not yet reached his own orgasm, but the contractions of her muscles around him pushed him over the edge and he felt his own explosion rip through his body. He grabbed her hips again and added more force to her momentum. His hoarse cry joined her softer one. Her rhythmic thrusts slowed until she finally stopped, collapsing against him, face buried against his throat. Her hands dropped from the wall to wrap around his neck and he hugged her tightly against him as they both gasped for breath.

They sat wrapped around each other for several minutes. Alex was suddenly aware of the chilly air against their sweat-covered bodies and shivered. Able to find his voice now that his breathing was returning to normal, Tom kissed her cheek and said, "Maybe we better go inside where it's warm."

Alex smiled slyly as she stood on slightly trembling legs, "Well, if the judge is spying on me, I really hope he gives me a copy of that tape because that was incredible!" She laughed and took his hand, pulling him into the bedroom.

**End chapter 7**

12


	8. Chapter 8

**DISINTEGRATION**

**CHAPTER 8**

_This chapter references the trial from "In the Wee Small Hours", as well as the episode "Slither". Thank you once again to my beta, Spook! _

The children were asleep and Annie was in her pajamas—flannel pajamas, to be exact, keeping her warm in the chill of the early November night—when she went down to the basement to find Bobby. He rarely went to bed when she did anymore, unless she asked. But she hated feeling as though she were begging. He also came to bed when they made love because of a fight. That was something that seemed to be happening more and more often. Intellectually she knew that sex was a poor way of resolving conflict. Emotionally, however, she was afraid that without the sex there would be no resolution. So much of the time she felt he was slipping away from her and so she clung to the one form of intimacy they still shared. They were making love more often than they ever had in all the years of their marriage. Even if they weren't fighting, when Bobby would finally come to bed hours after Annie, she would roll into his arms and whisper, "Make love to me, Babe." He was always willing and if he wondered why his wife's always active libido seemed to be in overdrive, he never questioned it. They simply didn't talk about it, adding it to the growing list of things they didn't discuss anymore. Annie had stopped asking to see his mother, asking only how she was whenever he came home from a visit. She didn't ask about Frank at all; she didn't even know if Bobby had been in contact with him since the night he came to their house. She rarely asked about his work, resigning herself to the new reality that there were portions of Bobby's life that were separate and distinct from her and the children.

He was sitting on the leather couch, reading, when she came down the stairs. He looked up and smiled at her and wrapped his arm around her shoulders when she sat next to him. He leaned his head towards her and rested his cheek against the top of her head. They sat in silence for a while, Bobby reading and Annie enjoying a moment of closeness. She could almost convince herself that nothing had changed between them.

"Grandpa called today," Annie said softly.

"How is he?"

"Fine. He says this new housekeeper he hired, Mrs. Gardenhire, has 'taken over his life'. She's got him on a strict regimen of diet and exercise," Annie said, laughing. "She makes him walk every day and prepares nothing but low-fat, heart healthy meals."

Bobby laughed with her. "Sounds like Grandpa has met his match."

"Well, he complains about it a lot, but he hasn't fired her. I think he likes having someone take charge and look after him for a change. Someone he can't bluster or sweet talk into letting him have his way."

"Good, I'm glad he's doing so well."

"He wanted to talk about Christmas," she said, hesitantly.

"Christmas? This is your year to work, isn't it?"

"Yes….but Grandpa really wants the entire family at his house this year. And Susan at work is willing to trade with me, so I would work Thanksgiving and she would work Christmas." She sat up and turned to face him. "I…I know that it will…disrupt your…our plans for the holidays. But this just seems so important to him and he never asks us to rearrange our plans for him. In fact he never asks us for anything and I….I just….." She trailed off at his silence.

"Babe, it's OK," he told her softly. He cupped her cheek with his hand and searched her face intently. "I love him too. If he wants us there for Christmas, we'll be there."

"But…your mother will be expecting you and the kids this year."

Bobby caressed her cheek with his thumb before leaning forward to kiss her gently. "It'll be OK," he repeated. "I'll take the kids to see her before we go and when we get back. And we'll spend Thanksgiving with her."

Annie let out the breath she hadn't realized she was holding and smiled in relief. He put the book aside, pulled her onto his lap, and kissed her. She clung to him and whispered in his ear, "Let's go to bed Bobby. Make love to me."

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Bobby lay awake late into the night; long after he and Annie had made love, long after his sated wife had curled up in his arms and fallen fast asleep. He listened to her even breathing and thought about their exchange earlier in the evening. Grandpa wanted them to come to Connecticut for Christmas and naturally she wanted to go. Why had she been so hesitant about broaching the subject? In fact, the expression in her blue eyes had almost looked like….fear. What was she afraid of? Making him angry?

He sighed. They did seem to argue a lot lately. However, these days they didn't argue about his mother or his brother or even his reticence to talk about his job. Their arguments were far more mundane, though just as heated as any they ever had about the "big" issues. Nowadays they argued over the proper way to squeeze the toothpaste tube, whose turn it was to do the grocery shopping, who forgot to turn the light off in the laundry room, or the big discussion two days before that had led to Annie stomping up the stairs and slamming the bedroom door closed. The correct way to clean the kitchen and bathroom floors.

Annie was of the "scrubbing on hands and knees" school of thought. She had a large stack of white washcloths that she used for that purpose only, going over a small area at a time, refolding the cloth with each pass until no more dirt showed up on a clean square of cloth, and moving on to another area with a clean cloth. The cloths were then laundered and bleached until they were again spotless and brilliantly white and put away until the next time she cleaned the floors. Bobby, on the other hand, felt a mop was just as effective, especially since his knee injury made kneeling too painful. In all their years of marriage this had never been a problem. Annie simply traded with him each week; he would be in charge of cleaning the upstairs rooms one week while she took the downstairs and the next week they traded. She felt that in this way, she was assured that at least every other week the floors were "really clean". But suddenly that was not good enough for her. What began as joking jibes about his inability to clean properly had turned serious and escalated until she was so angry she was actually shaking. That was when she went upstairs and locked herself in their bedroom while he and the children looked on in bewilderment.

They had made up. They always made up. Annie apologized for overreacting. One or both of them always apologized. And then Annie would beg, "Make love to me."

What had happened to the laughing, fearless, self-confident woman he had married? She had approached him that evening like a child afraid of angering a parent with her request. At other times she was prickly and irritable, snapping at him over the most minor things. Was he responsible for the change in her? Probably, he admitted. Since the rift between Annie and his mother, things had changed for them all. He knew he wasn't as communicative with her as he used to be. Mostly he was trying to avoid arguments by not discussing his mother or his work. However, it wasn't working. Instead they were arguing about just about everything else in their lives. Annie's solution was sex. Although it ended the argument, he realized that the conflict was not resolved and would only rear its ugly head again. He didn't have a better solution, so they seemed to be caught in an endless cycle; arguing, apologizing, making love.

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Carolyn Barek looked around the table as everyone laughed at a joke Mike had told. Mike and Sarah, Bobby and Annie, Tom and Alex, and Carolyn and her date were all seated around the large table at Sal's Restaurant. The four detectives had met for dinner and drinks. Because the others had brought their significant others, she had decided it was better to bring a date than to show up alone….considering the reputation Goren's wife had for matchmaking. Carolyn wasn't in a serious relationship and had no desire to be in one at the moment. She and John were old friends with no romantic feelings for one another, so he had seemed like a safe choice.

It was early December and the trial for Judge Garrett was scheduled to start in less than two weeks. Although the trial itself might bring unexpected stress, it felt as though they could all breathe a sigh of relief now that it was finally scheduled. They had done their jobs, the investigation was finished, and now it was in the capable hands of ADA Ron Carver. That was partly the reason for the dinner date. The other was simply a desire to hang out together in a social atmosphere, away from the bull pen and the cases they were all working on.

Carolyn quietly watched the other three couples, letting her active brain contemplate the personalities and relationships. Her partner had been a surprise to her. She had heard all the rumors about Mike Logan; incorrigible ladies man, hot-tempered cop more than ready to use his fists to subdue a suspect, and of course the stories about him punching a City Councilman and landing in Staten Island for ten years. He had dispelled most of the preconceived ideas she had about him. During their first case together, he had made her nervous by using the threat of violence to get information. Although it wasn't an approach that she was comfortable with, she had to admit that it was effective, and that Logan knew where to draw the line between an implied threat and actual inappropriate violence.

He had also dispelled the rumors about his romantic conquests…at least if that had been the case in the past it no longer seemed to be an issue now. He had certainly never been inappropriate with her; treating her with the same respect he would any partner, male or female. She had seen him cast glances at attractive women, and there had been more than one of those women who had either openly or subtly flirted with him. But not once in the three months they had been partners had she seen him flirt with any of them. Except for Sarah. When he was around her, he was constantly touching her on the arm, the shoulder, holding her hand. And he flirted outrageously with her, which seemed to please her immensely. Was it possible that the infamous Mike Logan had actually been domesticated by the dark-haired librarian?

The only blip in that picture had been when they discussed Thanksgiving, everyone talking about where they had spent the holiday. She knew that Logan had volunteered to work Thanksgiving. Sarah had spent the day with her family and Carolyn noticed Sarah shoot an uncomfortable glance at him when they were asked if Mike had joined them after work. The answer was no, he had not joined them. Neither had explained why they hadn't seen one another at all that day and the conversation had moved on.

Goren was a bit of an enigma to Carolyn. She suspected that he was a lot like her; he seemed to be well-read, knew several languages, he had more experience than she did as a profiler but she was just as fascinated with trying to get inside the head of perpetrators, they were both a bit of a loner. Although he and Eames had been partners for years, and made an effective team, she had heard rumors that he had not gelled quite so well with other partners. She herself had worked alone for years before being partnered with Logan. In spite of having some similarities in personality, she thought that Goren probably wasn't someone who was easy to get to know in a personal way.

Goren and his wife seemed close, but Thanksgiving had also seemed to be an uncomfortable topic for them. When Annie explained that she had been working that day and that Bobby took the children to visit his mother, it seemed normal and uncomplicated. However, just as with Logan and Sarah, Carolyn had noticed Annie glancing anxiously at her husband. Goren's expression hadn't changed but she detected a slight twitch just below his right eye, the only indication that this was an emotional issue for the couple.

There were no such undercurrents for Tom and Alex. Carolyn sensed a close and easy relationship between them. There were no furtive, anxious glances between them when discussing Thanksgiving. Tom's children had spent the day with their mother and he had gone with Alex to her sister's house. She watched as Tom leaned over to whisper in Alex's ear, causing her to chuckle softly. They were relaxed with one another and with everyone else at the table, although she did notice Alex glancing at the Gorens with a look of….curiosity? Apprehension? She wasn't quite sure. But obviously Alex had her own concerns about her partner and his wife.

Carolyn knew Alex the best of all the detectives, having partnered with her temporarily last year when Goren injured his knee. She had been glad for the opportunity to work with her again on the Lunden case. The case was stressful for them all, but there had been a nice rhythm between the two teams. It was interesting to watch the two men, both such alpha males, work together. While there had been occasional friction—they disagreed on whether the judge or his son was responsible for the death of the teenage girl and each had defended his position vigorously, Logan had been a bit jealous of Goren and Eames being the lead detectives in the case—these two very different men had found some common interests and had both come to appreciate the other's approach to the case. They had worked together well in interrogating Ethan Garrett, and in tricking him to attack Logan so they would have an excuse to arrest him and record him bragging to a cellmate about Tiana Peterson's death.

Mike had mentioned going with Goren for drinks after work more than once. He also mentioned that Annie and Sarah were becoming close. So all four detectives were becoming friends, it seemed. So much of her career with the NYPD had been spent working alone; this was a new situation for Carolyn, one that she thought she was going to like. The waitress stopped and took drink orders as Logan launched into another story, causing another wave of laughter.

**********************************************************************

Annie's cell phone vibrated in the pocket of her scrub top as she left an exam room and headed to the nurse's station to see which patient to call to a room next. It had been extremely busy all day and two nurses had called in sick. Already one nurse for the night shift had called in sick and the last she heard the supervisor had not had any luck in finding a replacement. She looked down at the phone and saw "Bobby" on the small screen. Changing directions, she headed into the break room as she answered the phone.

"Hi Babe, I don't have much time to talk. We are completely swamped here."

"I just need to ask you a question and then I'll let you go," his deep voice replied. "Have you received any calls or had a visit from Nicole Wallace?"

"Nicole," she said in surprise. "No, why?"

She heard him sigh on the other end. "I think she's back in New York, and that she killed someone."

"Oh no! Who did she kill this time?"

"Her mentor; the man who taught her all about killing while they were in Taiwan."

"You said you _think_ she killed him?"

"He was killed with poison injected as he was leaving the courthouse. The woman who was with him said a blond woman ran away. It certainly sounds like Nicole."

"Yes, it does," she said.

"You're sure you haven't heard from her?"

Anger shot through her so suddenly it almost frightened her. "What do you mean, 'am I sure'?" She said coldly. "Do you mean: did I forget _which_ serial killer I spoke to today?"

"Annie….."

"Or," she interrupted, "do you mean: did I talk to Nicole Wallace and decide to lie to my husband and to the police, about it?"

"Annie, I didn't mean…."

"I have to go," she snapped, interrupting him again. She closed her phone forcefully and dropped it back into her pocket, ignoring the vibrating that immediately signaled another call. Going back to work, she ignored his calls the rest of the day.

Bobby stared at his phone and then rubbed his face wearily as he tried several times to call her back. Finally, he gave up and walked back to his desk to finish the paperwork piled up there. He tried periodically throughout the day to call her, but she didn't pick up. Later that evening, as he was preparing dinner for the children, she called and tersely told him that she would be working late because the night shift was short-staffed; she didn't know when she would be home. She hung up before he could try to talk to her about their earlier conversation. It was close to midnight when she finally came home.

"Hi," he said, uncertain of her mood.

"Hi," she replied.

"I left a plate of food in the refrigerator, if you're hungry." He leaned down and kissed her softly.

"Thank you," she said, not looking up at him.

He watched her walk into the kitchen and listened for the sound of the refrigerator opening. But instead, Annie returned to the living room.

"You didn't clean up after dinner," she said accusingly. He looked at her in confusion.

"Uh….sorry? What are you talking about, Annie? The kids and I cleaned the kitchen."

"Really? Then why are there dishes piled in there?"

"What?" He moved past her into the kitchen. "Those are _clean_ dishes," he told her. "I left them in the drainer to dry."

"Left them for me to put away, you mean."

"No, I…."

"No? You'll be up and off to work in the morning. When were you planning to put them away?"

"I don't…" He looked at her in frustration. "Since when does it bother you to leave dishes in the drainer?"

"Since always!" Bobby rubbed his hand through his hair as her voice rose. "I'm tired of ignoring it! I'm tired of ignoring a lot of things. And I'm tired of doing everything myself!"

With that she turned and stalked indignantly from the room. He watched her go up the stairs and heard the bedroom door close behind her. Bobby sighed and returned to the kitchen and began putting the dishes away. He didn't know exactly what had just happened. Lately talking to his wife was like maneuvering through a minefield. He never knew just what would set her off. He couldn't place all the blame on her, though; he was often on edge and irritable as well.

He finished putting the dishes away and turned the lights off before heading upstairs after her. She was in bed and the lights were off, but the curtains were open and the moonlight cast a glow in the room. He could tell she wasn't asleep, although her eyes were closed. He got ready for bed and stood looking down at her for a moment. Fatigue was etched in her face. She worked long past her shift tonight, and she had told him earlier that it was busy. All those hours on her feet with few, if any, breaks….her feet and back were probably aching.

Annie had pulled her pajamas on and climbed into bed, exhausted and unable to think clearly. Her feet hurt so badly that she wanted to cry and her back ached nearly as much. She didn't understand why she had been so angry over a silly thing like the dishes drying in the drainer. Bobby was right, it had never bothered her before. She didn't understand why she was angry so often over such insignificant things. She tried to stop herself, knowing that she was being unreasonable…but she couldn't seem to help exploding as she had just now.

She heard Bobby's footsteps coming up the stairs and closed her eyes as the door opened and closed. She heard him moving around the room and then it was silent for a moment. He hadn't gotten into bed and she resisted the urge to open her eyes and see where he was. Then she felt the foot of the bed dip as he sat down and felt his hands slide under the covers and pull her feet out. Resting them on his lap, his large strong hands began kneading her aching feet. It hurt and felt wonderful all at the same time. But it was the conciliatory nature of the gesture that caused her eyes, still firmly closed, to fill with tears that slid silently down her cheeks. She covered her face with her hands as her silent weeping became audible sobs. Bobby moved to lie down next to her and gathered her in his arms. She buried her face against his chest and clung to him.

"I'm so sorry, Bobby," she finally whispered.

"It's OK," he told her, kissing the top of her head.

"No it isn't! I don't know why I snap at you and say such awful things. You didn't do anything wrong and I just…..I don't deserve you," she sobbed.

"Annie…." She reached up and covered his mouth with her hand.

"I don't," she insisted. "You deserve someone who won't bite your head off for no reason."

He kissed her palm where it rested against his mouth and moved it firmly away.

"I have exactly the person I want right here," he told her, which caused a fresh round of tears.

He held her until her sobbing subsided and she finally lay quietly in his arms. He thought she had fallen asleep, but she snuggled closer and began to kiss his chest through his tee shirt. And then came the familiar plea.

"Make love to me, Bobby."

**********************************************************************

_Author's Note: The italicized sections in this scene are direct quotes from In the Wee Small Hours and belong to Rene Balcer and his talented writing team._

Bobby watched Eames on the witness stand as Carver questioned her. She was cool and calm, focused on the questions and answering succinctly but thoroughly. She was good at this. The defense attorney got up next and questioned her about the interrogation of Ethan Garrett, when he had implicated his father in Bethany Lunden's death. She answered assertively when he asked about Bobby's father leaving him as a child and his attitude towards "imperfect fathers". The attorney handed her a paper in a plastic evidence bag and asked her to identify it. He frowned slightly with curiosity as the expression on Alex's face changed and her composure slipped ever so slightly.

"_It's a letter that I wrote to my superior officer five years ago….requesting a new partner."_ She did not look in his direction as she added quickly, _"But I withdrew my request."_

"_Please read the highlighted areas,"_ the defense attorney said smoothly.

Now she did glance nervously at him as he sat in the gallery, next to Barek. He leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees as she began to read, looking and sounding close to tears…a phenomenon he had never seen in his tough partner.

"_Detective Goren's erratic and anti-social behavior, his volatile and bizarre interrogation techniques lead me to have serious doubts about his judgment and mental stability,"_ she read and then added, _"I want to explain."_

But the defense attorney had made his point and sat down. Bobby kept his expression neutral, his military training coming in handy at moments like this. But he felt as though he had been punched in the stomach. He had no idea that Eames had felt that way. It shouldn't have come as a surprise; she wasn't his first partner to ask for reassignment. Yet it did surprise him. Ron Carver stood and asked for a redirect of the witness.

"_Detective Eames,"_ he said, _"please explain why you withdrew your letter."_

"_I was used to working with more conventional detectives,"_ she began. _"Detective Goren's style is definitely unique and an acquired taste. Over time I came to see that his approach is based on a deep understanding of human behavior. I came to appreciate him as an ethical person and an effective police officer."_

Later, in the hallway, Carver reassured Eames that her explanation had mitigated any damage. She faced Bobby sheepishly.

"_I'm sorry, Bobby. I should have told you."_

He shook his head. _"I am an acquired taste,"_ he said with a smile. _"I'm lucky you withdrew your letter." _

There was no time to dwell on things as the Lunden case took an unexpected turn and required more investigation. In the end, they discovered Goren and Logan had both been wrong. Bobby was convinced Judge Garrett killed the girl; Mike was just as convinced that his son Ethan had killed her. While they both had used…abused…the teenage girl, neither had been responsible for her death. The judge's wife, thinking to protect her son, had killed Bethany.

It left Bobby emotionally and mentally exhausted. It also left him particularly susceptible to self-doubt. As Christmas approached and he and Annie prepared for the trip to Connecticut, he couldn't seem to stop replaying the words of Eames' letter in his head, as well as the hurt and anger that was so often present in Annie's face and voice. What had working with him cost his partner, he wondered. And what had marrying him cost his wife?

**End chapter 8**

12


	9. Chapter 9

**DISINTEGRATION**

**CHAPTER 9**

_This chapter again references In the Wee Small Hours, as well as Watch._

_Thank you to Judy for stepping in to beta._

Annie looked at Alex, sitting across the table. They were having dinner after their weekly "gym date", and Alex had found a hot dog place that served vegetarian chili dogs.

"Alex, is there anything wrong," Annie asked. "You've been unusually quiet today. What's going on?"

Alex took her time chewing and swallowing. She took a drink of her soda before answering.

"Honestly, I wasn't sure how you were going to react to me, Annie. I half expected you to cancel today."

"Why would I do that," she asked in surprise.

"Because of the letter."

"Letter? What are you talking about?"

"C'mon, Annie…the letter to Deakins that I had to read in court."

"Alex, I have no idea what you are talking about," Annie told her.

"Bobby must have told you…and it was reported on the news."

Annie was very confused now. "Bobby…the news?"

Alex sighed. "The Garrett trial."

"I haven't kept up with it," Annie admitted. "And Bobby hasn't said anything. Tell me why you thought I wouldn't want to see you."

"Garrett's attorney questioned me about Bobby's judgment and whether or not I trust it. I said yes. So he pulled out a letter I wrote to the captain not long after Bobby and I were partnered." She paused and looked at Annie. "He hasn't said anything?" Annie shook her head and Alex continued. "I asked for another partner. The lawyer made me read part of the letter where I said I questioned Goren's judgment."

"Oh," was all Annie said.

"But I withdrew my request. Carver gave me a chance to explain and I said that his style is an acquired taste, but that I realized how well he understands human behavior…and that I came to appreciate him."

Alex watched Annie's face carefully and waited for her to respond.

"Did you and Bobby talk about it," Annie asked.

"Briefly; I apologized for not telling him about the letter."

"And what did he say?"

"That he _is_ an acquired taste."

Annie let out a loud laugh. "Well, I certainly can't argue with _that_," she said with a giggle. "Alex, I don't know why you think I would be angry about that. You're the only partner he has had for so long. And I appreciate how well you work with him. I know he isn't always easy to understand…and you certainly aren't the first person to ask for a different partner."

Alex nodded, but continued to frown. "It must have bothered Bobby quite a bit, though, if he didn't tell you about it."

"There's a lot Bobby doesn't tell me these days," Annie said without thinking.

The two women sat in uncomfortable silence for several moments. Alex didn't know what to say to this uncharacteristic insight into her partner's marriage. Annie was embarrassed. Over the years she had so carefully cultivated Alex's friendship, while avoiding discussion of any problems she and Bobby might be having. But until recently there hadn't _been_ any serious problems.

"Annie," Alex said softly, "is everything OK with you and Bobby?"

Annie's face had always been expressive, clearly revealing her feelings no matter how hard she tried to hide them. Alex saw the truth in her friend's face, even as she saw through the obvious lie that she told.

"Oh, everything's fine, Alex, really. It's just been hard, you know, with his mother's breakdown. It's been a slow process to get her back to a somewhat stable condition. It keeps everyone on edge. But we're fine…we're good."

_Great_, she thought. _Not only am I lying, but I'm blaming everything on his poor, mentally ill mother. _Alex knew she was lying, and Annie knew that Alex knew she was lying. But Alex just nodded her head.

"Good. But you know…if you ever need to talk, I'm available."

Annie blinked back tears. "Thank you, Alex."

They made small talk as they ate. Alex told Annie that because Tom would have his children for Christmas, she was going over Christmas Eve and would spend the night with them and open presents Christmas morning; later they would join her at her parents' home for Christmas dinner.

"I'm glad you and Tom are doing so well," Annie told her. "He's a wonderful man and you seem happy."

Alex nodded. "You're right…he is wonderful and I am happy."

When they were finished, they parted with a brief hug.

**********************************************************************

Mike was pensive while he and Sarah ate pizza and watched a movie in his apartment. He thought about the case he and Barek had just closed, with the murderous cousin tag team. Barek commented that it had all begun with a father bullying his son, who then bullied his smaller cousin, who grew up to manipulate that same cousin into this bizarre game of beating prostitutes to death while he watched. Mike's reply had been, "You ever wonder why I don't have kids? That's why."

He didn't know what he had been thinking when he told Sarah that he wanted to meet her daughter. He had made the decision early in his twenties that he would never have children…and with good reason. His mother's abuse had left him with the conviction that it would be unfair to bring a child into the world when he knew he couldn't be a good father. Or even a passable father.

But this left him wondering about his relationship with Sarah. She had a daughter and he didn't want children. Where did that leave them? He should have never asked her out on a second date, once he found out about Jia Li. What had he been thinking? He hadn't been thinking, he concluded. All he could see was Sarah and her dark eyes and that smile that lit up her face. And then he had compounded the difficulty of the situation by telling her that he wanted to meet her daughter…when she had obviously been content to let things continue as they were.

Earlier that evening she told him that after thinking about it, she had decided she wanted him to meet Jia Li. He didn't know what to say to her. But then he received a reprieve when she said that with Christmas coming, she thought it would be better to wait, that there would be less pressure for him and Jia Li to instantly like one another after the holidays. He agreed, even as he felt like a liar because he knew he could never be a part of her daughter's life.

"Hey," Sarah said, bringing him out of his reverie, "you are missing the best part! George Bailey is about to find out just how many friends he has."

He smiled down at her. "Sorry, Miss Sarah…I'll pay attention. I promise."

She laughed up at him and turned her face back towards the TV. Mike spent the rest of the movie watching Sarah watch the movie. When it was over she noticed that he wasn't watching the TV screen.

"You missed it," she said accusingly.

"I didn't miss a thing," Mike told her with a grin. "I have a surprise for you."

"A Christmas gift?"

"No, you don't get that until our date two days before Christmas. This is just….a surprise."

"Show me, show me," she said with delight.

"OK," he told her, getting up from the couch. "Come into the kitchen with me."

He took her hand and pulled her to her feet, kissing her before turning to lead the way. In the kitchen he stopped in front of a cupboard and opened the door. Sitting on the bottom shelf was an extra large jar of super chunk peanut butter, a jar of dill pickles, and a bag of chocolate chips. Sarah started laughing and turned to throw her arms around Mike's neck. She pulled him down and kissed him deeply.

"Mike Logan, you are the best!"

He laughed down at her. "I should have bought that peanut butter a long time ago!"

Sarah pulled away and turned back to the cupboard. Taking the jar of peanut butter out, she cradled it against her and smiled up at him.

"I think there are so many uses for peanut butter that I need to explore."

Mike wrapped his arms around her, the jar pressed between them. Leaning down to kiss her, he backed her out of the kitchen and toward his bedroom.

"I will be more than happy to volunteer for any experiments you have in mind," he said as he pulled her onto the bed.

**********************************************************************

As Christmas neared and preparations for their trip to Connecticut geared up, Annie seemed more relaxed and cheerful than Bobby had seen her for some time. She smiled and laughed more often; she was less snappish and not so prone to become angry over minor irritations….although there were a few outbursts. Bobby found himself looking forward to the next few days with anticipation as he loaded suitcases and presents into the back of the SUV. Finally the children, the dog, and the parents piled in for the long trip to Grandpa's house.

He couldn't remember when Annie had been so animated as she kept them all entertained; inventing stories about people in other vehicles (Bobby's favorite was the minivan carrying surfboards on top headed in the opposite direction, which Annie insisted was carrying disgruntled Santa's helpers fleeing to Florida for the sun and surf), leading them in rounds of "99 bottles of root beer on the wall", and playing alphabet license plate games. Three tired, but very excited, children exploded from the SUV and raced to hug Grandpa when they finally arrived.

The next two days were a flurry of activity, as Annie's aunt and uncle, cousins, and their families all descended on Grandpa's house. Because they all lived nearby, only Annie's family spent the night, until Christmas Eve. The women kept the kitchen busy with baking and preparations for Christmas dinner. And they kept the men busy moving tables, collecting chairs, and rearranging furniture. Everyone seemed to have last minute shopping to do, so there were people going in and out almost constantly. Mrs. Gardenhire stopped by to meet Annie and her family, and to check on Grandpa, warning him not to indulge too much in the Christmas goodies. Then she was off to spend the holidays with her daughter's family.

As Bobby came up behind her to steal a cookie from a batch that had just come out of the oven he wrapped one arm around her waist, laughing softly next to her ear, his breath warm against her cheek. It felt good to hear him laugh, she thought as she leaned back against him. It felt good to laugh.

On Christmas Eve the entire family played flag football, with Grandpa sitting in as scorekeeper and referee. The scorekeeping was a difficult task as some of the youngest children couldn't remember which trash cans represented their goal posts and were just as likely to make a touchdown for the opposing team as for their own. Annie thought she might actually score a touchdown herself, but Bobby dashed those hopes. Not content to simply grab her flag, he caught her around the waist and lifted her off the ground, kissing her passionately….to the delight and applause of the rest of the family. She insisted she had been fouled, but Bobby explained she had her games mixed up and they were not playing basketball. Grandpa deserted her in her time of need and ruled in Bobby's favor. In the end, though, no one knew exactly what the score was or who had won….although both sides claimed victory.

Everyone cleaned up and settled down in time for the candlelight service at the small church Grandpa had attended his entire life. When the pastor heard that they would be there, he had asked Annie and the children to participate. Bobby smiled as Phillip and Andrew joined their cousins as shepherds and Ally (protesting she was too old for children's plays, but secretly enjoying herself) appeared as the angel Gabriel. After the story of the nativity had been played out, Annie joined the children onstage, sitting down on the floor as they settled around her. The lights were lowered as she told the origins of the Christmas carol "Silent Night". Accompanied by only a guitar played by the pastor, Annie sang the first verse in German, surprising her husband. He smiled in appreciation, knowing she must have learned the words phonetically, because she certainly never understood when he spoke to her in German. She repeated the verse in English and invited everyone to join her as she sang all the verses. Her beautiful voice never wavered, but Bobby detected the glint of tears in her eyes as she sang.

When she and the children joined him in the pew, he put his arm around her shoulders and whispered, "I love you" against her temple. The pastor led the congregation in singing the old familiar Christmas carols, ending with "O Come, All Ye Faithful". During that last song, they lit the small candles that had been handed to each adult and the lights were turned off. Bobby could see that Annie was on the verge of tears throughout the entire service, even as she sang each song with joy. The beauty of the church, lit only by the multitude of small candles, was overwhelming and she finally gave in to her tears as the last note faded.

Back at Grandpa's house, they enjoyed cookies and hot mulled cider. Grandpa asked Bobby to read "The Night Before Christmas" to the children. He knew it was tradition for Grandpa to read the poem and he was touched that he had been asked to take over. The children were bedded down in sleeping bags on the floor of the den, just off of the large living room. Grandpa joined them, sleeping on the couch….both to supervise the excited, giggly bunch, and to make sure the adults all had beds. Aunt Jeane and Uncle Tom slept in the living room on the fold-out couch, while the younger adults took the bedrooms.

The children were sternly warned not to keep Grandpa awake and not to venture into the living room in the morning until the adults gave them permission. Once they seemed to be asleep, with only an occasional giggle giving them away, the women set about filling stockings while the men put together various bicycles, scooters, and other riding toys. They all went off to their beds and the old house finally settled into quiet. Alone in the bedroom where she had slept growing up, Bobby and Annie exchanged their traditional Christmas Eve gifts: a silk tie, in stripes of blue and dark gray, for him; a black lace teddy for her.

As he fingered his tie, Bobby said with a grin, "I'll try mine on if you'll try yours on."

"No way," she exclaimed in a loud whisper. "I don't trust you…and you know the rules: No sex in Grandpa's house!"

"Is that Grandpa's rule or yours," he asked, pulling her onto his lap.

"Well, I certainly didn't _ask_ him," she laughed.

"Then let's go ask him now," Bobby said, moving as though he were going to stand up.

"No," shrieked Annie, realizing too late that the entire household would be able to hear her.

Bobby pulled her onto the bed next to him, laughing. "You know that everyone is going to _think _we're doing it now…so we might as well."

"Nice try, Detective," she said, planting a kiss on his lips. "But no way!"

They settled under the covers, arms wrapped around one another, Bobby's deep chuckle still rumbling in his chest against her cheek. It was still dark outside when she awoke in the morning. She could hear whispers downstairs that were becoming progressively louder. She guessed that the children were trying to talk Grandpa into letting them go into the living room and see what was in their stockings. He wouldn't be able to hold out against them for long, she thought with a sigh. She tried to slip from the bed without waking Bobby, but he sleepily reached for her and pulled her back into bed.

"I'm going to go downstairs and start the coffee," she whispered. Dropping a kiss on his cheek she said, "You can stay here a little longer."

He smiled, his eyes still shut, and pulled her to him for a kiss. He didn't try to stop her this time as she slid from the bed. Wrapping herself in her bathrobe and slipping on her furry slippers, she quietly made her way downstairs to the kitchen. By the time the coffee was ready, the adults were all awake and the children had exercised all the patience they had. They were finally allowed to stampede into the living room and find their stockings.

Gift-opening was a loud and boisterous affair, between the adults exclaiming how much they loved what they received, and the children shrieking the same information. It took most of the morning and Aunt Jeane served warm cinnamon rolls she had prepared the day before for breakfast. Once the gifts were all opened, the wrappings were stuffed into large trash bags to be taken outside. Everyone then went off to get dressed…and try on new clothes.

There was a formal Christmas dinner. The adults sat around the dining table, while smaller tables had been brought in for the children. The table was laden with an enormous amount of food; turkey and a rib roast, bread dressing, several kinds of potatoes, yams, three kinds of vegetables, gravy, dinner rolls. And for dessert there were pumpkin, chocolate, coconut pies, cheesecake, cookies, Christmas candy. There would be no football game that day, as everyone was too full and too tired from the early start to the day.

Late in the afternoon, parents began loading suitcases, presents, and children into their cars. Annie and Bobby, planning to stay another night, kissed and hugged everyone goodbye and retreated to the now quiet house with Grandpa. Annie fell asleep on the couch, her head on Bobby's lap. Grandpa went to his bedroom to lie down and the children went outside to play with Sandy. Bobby sat with a book in front of him, but mostly he watched his wife's peaceful face. He had always envied her ability to sleep anywhere, almost anytime…and the obvious joy she took in napping. She slept for an hour, waking up feeling refreshed.

They had leftovers for supper that night, then settled in the living room to play some of the new board games the children had received for Christmas. Ally was curled against her father's side, wearing new pajamas and wrapped in a quilt she had pulled from the back of the couch. She fingered the material and ran her fingers over the designs in each square.

"Mom, who made this quilt," she asked.

Annie looked at the old quilt fondly and smiled. "My grandmother made it…your great-grandmother."

"What about that one," Phillip asked, pointing to a quilt lying over the back of the rocking chair.

"My mother made that one," Annie told them.

"Which one did you make," Andrew asked.

"Well…in here, I crocheted that afghan over there," she said, pointing to a chair.

"What about quilts," Ally asked.

"Actually, I've only made one quilt, the one on my bed. My mother helped me. It's a nine patch quilt because it's an easy pattern for beginners to learn."

"Oh that's a pretty one," Ally exclaimed.

Bobby watched the thoughtful, faraway look on Annie's face. "Why haven't you made any other quilts," he asked. "You sew and you crochet…why not quilts?"

"I don't know, really," she answered slowly. "My mother learned to quilt from Grandma after she and my father were married. When I was eleven, I wanted to learn so she chose the pattern and let me choose the material from her 'stash'. We worked on it for months."

Bobby made the connection. Annie was eleven when she and her mother made the quilt. She was eleven when her parents died in a car accident. It must have happened soon after they finished the quilt….and Annie had never made another one.

"What's a stash," Andrew asked.

Annie smiled and Grandpa chuckled. "That's what your great-grandma called the material she collected to make quilts," he told them. "She was always looking for new colors and patterns, and when she found a good sale she would buy a bunch of material. She always said a quilter's stash was her most prized possession, only to be shared with very special people. And she shared with Annie's mama when she taught her to quilt. So when she passed away, I gave her stash to Alexandra. And she went on to make some beautiful quilts."

"How come your mother's mother didn't teach her to quilt," Ally asked.

"I guess she didn't know how," Annie said. "I don't know, really…I never met my mother's parents."

"But they're your Grandma and Grandpa! Why didn't you ever meet them," Phillip asked.

"Well," Annie took a deep breath and glanced at Grandpa. "I guess….I guess they didn't approve of my mother marrying my father and they refused to see her anymore. As far as I know, she never saw them again. And I never met them."

"Where did they live," Ally asked.

"In San Francisco."

"How did your mom and dad meet?"

Grandpa answered this one. "Alexandra and Sam met when they were both going to college in New York. Sammy fell in love at first sight. Alexandra was such a pretty little thing; your mama looks a lot like her. She was a sweet girl and she was so good to my Sammy. I don't think I've ever seen two people as much in love as those two. Well…except for your Grandma and me, and your Mama and Daddy there." Grandpa winked at Ally, causing her to giggle.

"I think it was mean for your mother's Mom and Dad to not see her anymore," Andrew said, moving to sit next to Annie. "Why didn't they like your Dad?"

"I don't know," Annie told him, kissing the top of his head.

"Alexandra's family was important in San Francisco…had a lot of money," Grandpa said. "They just thought she could do better than a postman's son. They wanted better for her…I can't fault them there. We all want the best for our kids. I don't think they really meant to never see her again. They just thought if they let her know how serious they were, she would break up with Sam and move back to California. But Alexandra had a stubborn streak a mile wide…and she really did love Sam. After they got married, I think everybody's pride kept them apart…their pride and Alexandra's pride. The years went by and then they had Annie." Grandpa smiled at Annie wistfully. "After you were born, we tried to get Alexandra to call her folks, or at least send a birth announcement. But she wouldn't do it. There were some things that girl just wouldn't budge on."

"Well, she loved you and Grandma. I remember that."

Grandpa nodded. "Yes, she did. She was like a daughter to us."

"And so Grandma taught her to quilt?" Ally was caught up in the romance of the story about the grandmother for whom she was named.

Grandpa nodded. "Those two spent hours together going over patterns, choosing material, and sewing squares. Every time they came to visit, the girls would disappear into the sewing room."

"I remember," Annie said, laughing. "And when Mom taught me to make that quilt, she let me go through her stash and pick out material. It was quite an honor to be granted access to her precious stash."

"Mom…let's make a quilt!" Ally looked at her mother with excitement.

"I don't know if I even remember how to do it," Annie said. "But if you want to, I'm sure I can find a book on it. And we can go shopping for material."

"Well, Honey, you might not need to go shopping. I have your mother's and grandmother's stash," Grandpa told her.

"You do….after all these years?! Why didn't you give it to Aunt Jeane?"

"Well, I tried. But she just took a few pieces and gave the rest back to me. You know, she isn't much of a quilter anyway. And she said that stash was so important to your Grandma and your mother, that you should have it. She knew how close those two were, how much it meant to Alexandra to have us when her own parents stopped talking to her…she just thought it should go to you."

"I…I didn't know," Annie said.

"Well, I asked you once if you wanted to go through it and make another quilt and you told me no. So I just put it away and kept it in case you ever changed your mind."

"I don't remember that," Annie said thoughtfully.

"Oooh…can we see," Ally asked eagerly.

"Sure you can," Grandpa told her with a smile. "Bobby, there's a plastic storage container in the back of my closet that says 'Stash' on it. Would you bring it down here?"

"Of course," Bobby said, dropping a kiss on top of Ally's head before getting up. He found the box and brought it to the living room, setting it on the floor in front of Annie. He sat down and watched Annie sit on the floor and open the box like it contained precious jewels. Ally and the boys eagerly joined her as she carefully pulled out neatly folded squares of material. She also found some old books on quilting. Phillip and Andrew lost interest quickly and asked to watch TV in the den.

"OK," Bobby told them. "But just for a little while. You guys need to go to bed soon."

He watched Annie's face as she gingerly pulled out the pieces of cloth, flipped through the pages of the books, ran her fingers gently over the handwritten notes in the margins. He realized he was seeing a side of her that she rarely showed to anyone, not even to him. This revelation surprised him because her emotions had always been so easy to read. But he had never seen the sad, frightened, little girl whose parents had just died suddenly. Left alone with a strange social worker while they contacted her grandfather, waiting for him to come and get her, knowing that she would never see her parents again…she must have been terrified. Grandpa's face as he watched her also told the story…the story Annie had never told him herself. He could see the heartbroken eleven-year-old Annie running and throwing herself into her grandfather's comforting embrace. He could see Grandpa, pushing aside his own grief at the death of his son and daughter-in-law to comfort his granddaughter and help her through an impossibly difficult time.

Ally picked out some of the material for the quilt she wanted to make and then Bobby told her that it was time for bed, sending her to tell the boys as well. Annie seemed not to even notice as the children kissed her goodnight and Grandpa did the same. She nodded absentmindedly when Bobby told her he was going to make sure the children were settled in their beds. She was still sitting on the floor, looking at her mother's "stash" when he came back downstairs.

Bobby sat in the chair behind her and she leaned back against his legs as he pulled the scrunchie from her hair and loosened her braid, running his fingers through her hair and massaging her scalp. He chuckled softly as he felt her relax under his fingers, thinking that if she were a cat she would be stretching and purring. He leaned down and softly kissed her temple.

"You know," he began, "you almost never talk about your parents."

"Mmmm….," she murmured, still reveling in the massage he was giving. "I don't? They've been gone so long….I suppose I just don't think about them all that much."

"Have you ever thought about contacting your mother's family?"

"No, not really," she said. "When I was younger, I guess I thought about it. In high school and college, sometimes I would buy the San Francisco papers and look through them for any mention of them. Back then I thought about maybe calling them or sending them a letter. I knew that if I wanted to contact them, Grandpa would help me find them."

"Why didn't you?"

She laid her head back on his knees and closed her eyes. "What would I say? 'Hi, I'm the daughter of the daughter you never wanted to see? And the daughter of the man you thought wasn't good enough for her?' Besides, I was afraid that if I did meet them they might say something bad about my mother or my father…or my grandfather. I couldn't stand the thought of that. And I was also afraid that they would think I just wanted their money…I would probably think that if a granddaughter or niece I had never seen suddenly showed up on my doorstep. It just seemed easiest to let it go."

He ran his fingers along her jaw line. "If you ever change your mind," he said softly, "I'll help you."

Without opening her eyes, she smiled and reached for his hand. "Thank you, Babe." Lifting her head, she went back to looking through the box.

"I was wrong, you know," Bobby told her.

"Wrong about what?"

"I thought this thing with my mother was so hard on you because it was the first time in your life that you felt rejected by anyone. When you talk about your childhood, you make it sound idyllic." She didn't answer, waiting for him to continue. "But the truth is that you did feel abandoned when you were eleven and your parents left you….even though you knew it wasn't their choice. And now another mother has abandoned you."

Tears slid silently down her cheeks. "And I never realized before that you were the same age when your father left. I guess we both have abandonment issues."

"Except my father wasn't gone for good. He was around for another twenty three years. So it wasn't really the same."

"I bet when you were eleven, it felt like he was leaving for good and that you would never see him again."

"Yeah, I guess it did. Hey," he said, leaning down and wrapping his arms around her, his cheek against hers. "You did it again. You turned the conversation around from the loss of your parents and how it made you feel, to how I felt when my father left."

She smiled and leaned her head back against his shoulder. "I'm tired, Babe. Let's go to bed."

He kissed her cheek and helped her put everything back in the box. Once they were in bed, Annie wrapped her arms around him and rested her cheek against his chest.

"I had dinner with Alex before we left. She told me about the letter she had to read in court. She was a little concerned that it must have upset you because you didn't tell me about it." She paused and then asked, "Why _didn't _you tell me, Bobby?"

He sighed and ran his fingers through her hair. "It was an old letter, and she withdrew it. Seemed kind of moot now."

"It's not moot if it bothers you."

"I just wonder sometimes….You know, a few years ago Eames was offered a place on the mayor's task force. She told me then that she didn't take this job to get noticed. But she has great leadership qualities. If it weren't for me, maybe she would be leading her own squad…maybe she would be a captain. What has she given up to stay my partner…to babysit me?"

"But maybe being a captain isn't what's important to her. It seems to me that she likes solving crimes…and that she likes having 'closed' written next to her name on so many cases. And I don't think she feels she is babysitting you. She's the senior partner, but you two are partners and you work well together." She kissed his chest through his shirt. "Alex Eames isn't exactly a shrinking violet. I think if she wants something more from her career, she won't be afraid to tell you."

"And what have you given up to be married to me," he asked softly.

"Me," she asked with surprise. Then she smiled and said with a giggle, "Let's see…I gave up loneliness, childlessness, celibacy…."

"You didn't seem so lonely and miserable when I met you."

"No, I wasn't miserable. I had good friends and a family that loved me." She leaned her head back to look at him. "But I didn't have _this_…I always imagined what it would be like to be in love, but I never imagined it could be this incredible."

He cupped her face with his hand and whispered, "Make love to me Baby."

She smiled back and rolled on top of him, dropping soft kisses on his face and neck. Gently, slowly, and more quietly than she would have believed possible, Annie made love to the love of her life there in the beautiful old house built by her great-grandfather, the house her grandfather had lived in his entire life, in the bedroom surrounded by all the mementoes of growing up, in her childhood bed, under the quilt made by herself and her mother from fabrics left to them by her grandmother.

**End chapter 9**

16


	10. Chapter 10

**DISINTEGRATION**

**CHAPTER 10**

_This chapter starts soon after the episode Proud Flesh and the scenes with Tom and Alex and with Bobby and Annie will refer to events of that episode. This was the second time we saw Alex Eames shoot and kill a "perp". Both times were justified, but it made me wonder what it does to a cop who kills someone in the line of duty, and how it might affect a partnership. Many thanks go to my very own retired cop, my sister Harlana. She never had to kill anyone during her career, but she was able to give me some insights into how a cop might feel…especially having it happen twice. And thank you, as always, to my beta Spook._

Tom felt cool air against his back as the warmth of Alex's body moved away. Not fully awake, he reached behind him to find her and his hand touched her arm, closing his hand gently around her wrist. She leaned back over and kissed his cheek.

"I didn't mean to wake you," she whispered. "Go back to sleep."

As she pulled away again, Tom rolled over and sat up. Alex was standing next to the bed, wearing one of his tee shirts with FDNY emblazoned on the front. He glanced at the clock next to the bed: 2:18 AM. Propping his pillow behind him, he reached over to turn on the light and leaned back against the headboard.

"Tom, I'm sorry," Alex told him.

"No, it's OK," he said, rubbing his hand over his face and through his short crew-cut hair. "Can't sleep?"

"No…I was just going to go in the other room and read for a while."

"Want to talk?"

Alex narrowed her eyes and gave him a hard look. "No."

Despite her size, most men were intimidated by "the look", as her partner called it. But this big, tough firefighter who was the most gentle, imperturbable man she had ever known was completely unfazed.

"OK," he said simply, holding her gaze.

"I'm going to be talking to Olivet," she said, hating the defensive tone in her voice.

"I know."

"So I don't need to spill my guts to you."

"OK."

She glared at him and he looked back at her warmly, waiting. Alex began to pace back and forth across the room. Tom sat watching her silently. She stopped at the foot of the bed.

"I killed a man," she said softly.

"Yes, you did."

"I have killed two men, Tom." They looked at one another for several beats. "How am I supposed to feel about that?"

Tom crossed his legs and leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. "You are supposed to feel however you feel, Babe. There's no right or wrong here….your feelings are just your feelings."

Alex sighed; she looked down and traced her finger over the pattern of the blanket covering the bed. "You know, it might make it easier if you would just argue with me."

Tom grinned at her. "Sorry," he told her.

She smiled and climbed back onto the bed. Tom straightened his legs and Alex sat between them, leaning back against his chest. He wrapped his arms around her, nuzzling his cheek against hers.

"So," he said, "do you want to talk about how you feel?"

"That's just it; I don't know how I feel. Or…I'm feeling so many things I don't know if I can identify them all."

"OK, well, just start with one."

"Guilt." Tom didn't answer; he waited for her to continue. "I mean, I know I had to do it. He would have shot Anna Slaughter if I didn't. But…"

"But?" he asked softly.

"But….I killed him. I took a life," she whispered. "Maybe I didn't have to, maybe I could have wounded him….something. I saw the gun and I just reacted."

"And because you did," Tom said quietly, "Anna Slaughter is alive."

"Yeah." She sighed and rubbed her eyes. "It's the second time in four years that I've….shot someone. What does that say about me?"

"I don't know. If it was another cop, what would you think it says?"

"If it was another cop I would wonder if he or she was trigger-happy, maybe even dangerous. That's got to be running through Deakins' mind, and the Chief of D's."

"And what if it was another cop who shot two people in exactly the same circumstances?"

"Then I would think it was justified. But I would still worry about that cop continuing on the job."

"You think your job is in danger?"

"Maybe. Deakins was supportive when we talked. He's a good guy, and if he thinks this was justified he'll go to bat for me. But, there's this whole process that I have to go through…like seeing Olivet tomorrow." She sighed deeply. "That should be a lot of fun."

Tom chuckled and kissed her cheek. "Are you scared?"

"Well, yeah…kind of. I mean, if I can't be a cop, what am I? There isn't anything else I've ever wanted to do."

"Is there a possibility that you could lose your badge?"

"Sure…it's even a possibility that they could charge me. Or maybe not so drastic. They could reassign me, or just stick me behind a desk for the next twenty years. Logan lost his temper and punched a guy and they sent him off to Staten Island for ten years. I've shot and killed two people."

"But you didn't shoot because you lost your temper either time. Logan was seen as having an anger problem. You were reacting to a situation exactly the way you were trained to react. Not the same thing at all."

Alex rested her head against his shoulder and reached up to put her hand on his cheek. He kissed her hand and tightened his arms around her. He hadn't said the words to her yet, but Tom knew he was in love with Detective Alexandra Eames. She was full of contrasts; tough, no-nonsense cop but with a sweet, warm side that she didn't often show to people outside of her family. And he knew she wasn't through…there was more she needed to say.

"What else, Alex," he said softly.

"I'm angry," she whispered. He waited. "I'm angry," she said a little louder. When he didn't answer she shouted at him, "Alright! You want to know what I'm feeling? I'm pissed! I am fucking pissed off!"

"At who?"

She was glad to have her back to him; it somehow made it easier to say what she was thinking. "At Chance Slaughter, of course! He forced me to shoot him. What the hell was he thinking? He brings a gun to a courthouse that is crawling with cops; he tries to shoot his stepmother in full view of those cops. What did he think would happen? Did he think every cop there would suddenly forget they had a gun?" Alex stopped and thought about that for a moment. "He had to know what would happen when he pulled that gun out." She frowned. "Suicide by cop?"

She felt Tom nodding behind her. "That makes sense, doesn't it?"

"But….that bogus confession, claiming he killed his brother, clearing his father. If that was his plan, how could he be sure that he would live long enough to get in a dying confession?" Alex frowned in concentration, then reached over to the bedside table for her cell phone. As she pushed speed dial, Tom opened his mouth to remind her that it was two in the morning, but it was too late.

"Hello," came a groggy voice.

"Bobby, it's me," she said. "Did they find a suicide note in Chance Slaughter's clothes?"

"Eames?" There was a rustling sound as Bobby sat up in bed. "Suicide note? No, there was nothing on him."

"We need to search his apartment. If he was planning to get killed and he was planning to confess to his brother's murder…he must have written a note. We need to get into his apartment."

"Ah…yeah…OK. I'll take care of it in the morning. Eames," he hesitated a moment. "Go back to sleep."

"Yeah…I will."

She ended the call and laid the cell phone back on the table. Tom had remained quiet but now he asked softly, "Who else are you angry with, Alex?"

"No one."

"You sure?" When Alex didn't answer he added, "Are you sure you aren't also mad at the man whose sleep you just disrupted for something that could have waited for morning?"

Alex let out an irritated sigh. "Do you know how many times he has woken me up in the middle of the night with a question or an idea about a case? He probably wasn't asleep anyway."

"It's OK to say it out loud, you know," he whispered against her hair.

Alex closed her eyes and breathed deeply. "OK…I'm angry at my partner. Are you happy now?"

"I'm not happy if you're hurting."

A tear slipped from one eye as Alex struggled to keep her emotions under control. "But it's totally unreasonable for me to be angry at Bobby. He isn't to blame for any of this!"

"Then why are you angry at him?"

"Why couldn't it have been him that shot Slaughter?! He's never killed a single perp. Not with all his years in Narcotics, all the undercover work, all the arrests…he does it all without even discharging his weapon once! And here I am…I've shot and killed TWO people! Why didn't Goren draw his weapon five seconds before I did? Why didn't he shoot Slaughter instead of me? Why didn't he do _something_ to stop me from killing him? I know he thinks I'm a loose cannon."

Tom frowned. "I've never picked that up from Bobby…why do you think that?"

"A little over a year ago, we were chasing down a suspect and we interviewed someone we thought might be a witness in the casino where he worked. Goren spotted someone at one of the tables that was exhibiting peculiar behavior and he went over to check it out while I continued to question the witness. Turns out it was the suspect we were looking for and this witness was working with him. He started yelling threats at me to try to distract Bobby from the other man. I was handling it, but all of a sudden, Bobby's throwing his big notebook at the guy and slamming him up against the wall. The suspect got away. At the time I was angry that Bobby seemed to think I couldn't take care of myself and let a suspect get away. But then later I remembered that when the guy started threatening me, I stepped back and put my hand on my gun. So now I wonder…was Bobby protecting _him_? Did he think I was going to pull out my weapon and blow him away because he yelled at me?"

"Did he ever say that was the reason?"

"No."

"Did you ever ask him?"

"No."

"So you never talked about it?"

"No."

"Maybe you should. You two are partners and you have to trust one another. If you think he has doubts about you…"

Alex sighed tiredly. "Maybe. I just….it's stupid to be mad at Goren because he didn't shoot Slaughter. It doesn't make any sense. There were other cops there; any one of us could have shot him. It just happened to be me."

"Hey, one thing I know for sure is that you are not stupid. It's a hard thing you're going through. And maybe that anger is something you can talk to Olivet about."

"Maybe."

"If you are intending to take advantage of this psych evaluation to really help you deal with this, that is. Or you could just go in there and tell her you're fine and 'a cop's gotta do what a cop's gotta do'…you know, shine her on."

"I thought you were a firefighter, not a therapist."

"Just wait until you get my bill, Detective."

Alex turned so that she was sitting across his lap, with her cheek against his chest. She sighed deeply as she felt his heart thumping against her cheek and his arms around her. A tear trickled down her cheek.

"I killed a man, Tom," she whispered.

"I know, Baby, I know."

More tears began to trickle down her cheeks as Alex began to cry softly.

**********************************************************************

"This was the last time, Bobby. I'm never touching that gun again."

They stood facing one another across the living room, the resentment stretching between them like an invisible barrier that neither could penetrate. Angry blue eyes glared into angry brown ones, not caring about the size difference that forced her to look up in order to meet his hard gaze. Bobby didn't answer for several long moments as he stared at his wife's defiant stance; feet apart, hands on hips. His own anger momentarily erased the memory, no more than twenty-four hours old, of those same arms and legs wrapped around him and that same voice crying out his name in passion. She had drawn her line in the sand, knowing that this was an issue he would not back down on. Bobby knew that this argument was useless. Next month he would insist, as he had for the last fourteen years, that she go with him to the shooting range; that she practice cleaning, loading, and shooting his gun….both of his guns, wanting her to be as familiar with his second weapon as with the one he carried on the job. But all they could do until that time was engage in juvenile taunts: "Yes you will!" "No I won't!" So he didn't respond to her statement.

"We're done here," he said instead.

He saw her flush with anger at his dismissive tone, but she remained silent as he turned and walked away. He shut the door to the basement firmly behind him and went to sit at his desk. He sighed and leaned back in his chair, looking around at the room that used to be a refuge for him. He looked at the shelves of books. Being surrounded by his books always had a calming affect on him. At least it used to. Nothing seemed to have that effect these days. He opened a drawer in his desk and saw the wrapped present sitting there. Valentine's Day was only a week away.

Things had been good…almost normal…for a time after Christmas. They were both relaxed and cheerful when they returned from Connecticut. Annie and Ally went shopping for the rest of the supplies they needed, scoured the quilting books that Annie's mother and grandmother had collected, and got to work on a quilt. Bobby enjoyed standing in the doorway of his bedroom and watching them laughing together, their blond heads bent over squares of fabric. He and Annie went out, as usual, on New Year's Eve. Mike and Sarah joined them for the annual party held at their neighbor's brother's restaurant. Annie had been beautiful with her long hair swept up, leaving her shoulders bare except for the spaghetti straps of her black dress. As he kissed her at midnight, Bobby hoped that he and Annie could rebuild the closeness that had slipped away.

But those hopes were dashed as they both returned to work, juggling busy schedules; allowed little irritations to erupt into arguments. Complicating things was his mother's fragile mental health. Since her psychotic break a few months earlier, the doctor had difficulty adjusting her medication. Bobby never knew from visit to visit, even phone call to phone call, whether she would be lucid or ranting about bugs…or unable to talk to him at all. He had been leaving the children at home when he went to visit, not wanting them to see their grandmother in that condition. When he told Annie he was leaving them at home she refrained from asking any questions, but she knew there was only one reason he would keep them from visiting his mother. Two weeks earlier Ally had argued with him when he told her that she and her brothers would not be going to Carmel Ridge yet again. She insisted she wanted to see her grandmother and didn't care if she was "sick".

"I know how to talk to her, Dad. She likes it when I read to her or tell her stories or sing to her."

Bobby looked at his daughter, suddenly reminded that she was no longer a little girl. Annie was standing behind Ally, keeping her opinion to herself as she listened to the exchange. He saw the pain reflected in her eyes at Ally's words. Those were among the things Annie had always done for his mother. He hadn't told her that Ally was stepping into her role. He realized now that the children hadn't mentioned it either. Her expression changed from hurt to anger and she silently left the room, going upstairs to their bedroom. Ally was still staring at him, waiting for him to answer. He sighed and ran his hand over his face, and then agreed to take her with him. For the last two weeks they had gone to Carmel Ridge together. It shocked him to see how much she looked like her mother as she gently spoke to her grandmother. And she was right; his mother did respond to her voice and seemed calmer when they left.

He could see that Annie was angry about the new arrangement, but neither of them mentioned it. Their arguments about other matters, however, increased. The current argument, about the target practice, had flared up after Annie read in the newspaper that Eames had shot a man. She was furious that he had let her find out that way, rather than telling her something so important. Why _hadn't_ he told her? He wasn't sure. Although Annie abhorred guns and violence, he didn't worry that she would be angry with Eames for shooting the man. Rather, she would want to make sure Eames was alright. Maybe that was the reason….he simply didn't want Eames to become another of Annie's "projects" to fix.

Or maybe the reason he didn't say anything was because it would lead to a discussion about the case that led up to that moment on the courthouse steps. And that might lead to a discussion of his feelings about the case….a case that involved yet another "imperfect father", as Judge Garrett's attorney had phrased it. A father with unrealistic expectations and demands on his two sons; a father who rejected the son who he saw as rejecting his plans for him. Why did it seem that lately every case he worked seemed to mirror some painful aspect of his own life?

Whatever his reasons, he had kept quiet, and Annie had found out through the news. In her anger, she focused on her own use of guns. She had never become comfortable using a gun, despite years of practice. She had given up arguing about it years ago, but made no effort to conceal her dislike. This time, buoyed by her anger over his silence about Eames, she began arguing every evening in the week leading up to their appointment. She declared she would not go this time; she was not going to be convinced; he couldn't force her to do it. In the end, she had gone with him but was so angry she refused to speak the entire time. She followed his instructions efficiently, but silently. In an effort to lighten the mood, on the way home he had joked that few men would willingly take an angry wife to a shooting range. Annie had not been amused. In fact, the look she turned on him was so furious he wouldn't have been surprised if she had slapped him.

She didn't slap him, of course. But the evening had deteriorated rapidly. Annie's enraged silence spoke more loudly than yelling would have. The children didn't know why she was angry, but there was no hiding it and so they simply watched their mother move through the house, preparing dinner, cleaning the kitchen (refusing any help). They seemed almost relieved to go to bed. Once the children were in bed, Annie was no longer silent. The more Bobby tried to avoid a confrontation, the more he tried to appease her, the louder and more strident she became. Finally he felt he had no choice but to cut her off and leave the room.

He sat and waited a for a few minutes to see if she was angry enough to follow him down to the basement to continue the argument, but it remained silent. He leaned back in the chair and let his memories run back over Christmas. It had been a magical time. How had it all gone so wrong so quickly? There was a wall between him and Annie that neither of them seemed to be able to demolish. Both of them had anger simmering just under the surface, waiting for something to spark a reaction. They always made up, but he wondered how long this could go on before irreparable damage was done. He had no answers and so they continued in the same pattern; arguing, apologizing, making love…until the next incident and they started all over.

He picked up a book and opened it, trying to read. But he couldn't concentrate. He was waiting. Thirty minutes later he heard it. The door to the basement opened and closed quietly. She moved almost soundlessly down the stairs and then there was complete silence. Swiveling his chair around, he spotted her sitting on a step more than half way down. Her back was against the wall and she was hugging her knees to her chest, watching him. Bobby got up and walked towards her; he sat on the step just below her, his back to her and leaning back against her. Annie wrapped her arms around him and rested her head against his. For a long time they just sat together. Bobby reached his hand up to cup her cheek and found it wet with tears.

"Annie…."

She put her hand over his mouth and whispered, "Don't Bobby. Please don't. I feel so bad already and I'll only feel worse if you apologize when you and I both know it was my fault."

Bobby closed his eyes and covered her hand with his. He ran the tip of his tongue over her palm and she shivered. She kissed his ear, his neck. Her other hand reached around and slid down the front of his shirt, lightly caressing his chest. He turned his head towards her and kissed her softly, gently. Annie pulled her hands free and moved to sit on his lap. He gathered her close and kissed her again, more deeply, more passionately. And waited for her to say the words they both knew she would say.

"Make love to me, Baby," she whispered.

Bobby slipped his arm under her knees. Pushing against the wall to steady himself, he stood up. He ignored the pain in his knee, as well as the voice in his head that said this was not going to solve their problems. He carried her to the large leather couch and laid her down gently. Joining her on the couch, they brought an end to yet another argument.

**********************************************************************

"HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY", said the big block letters on the red heart-shaped piece of construction paper. Pasted inside was a white paper heart with the words, "I love you. You're the best Mom I ever had." Sarah smiled as she set the card on her desk. Valentine's Day had been two days earlier and when she returned home last night Jia Li had proudly presented it to her, explaining that she had made it all by herself. Well, almost all by herself. Her Kindergarten teacher, the very pretty and well-loved Miss Heather, had spelled out all the words for her when Jia Li told her what she wanted the card to say. She had also outlined the twenty red hearts and twenty white hearts for the students in her class. Jia Li had painstakingly cut out the red and white hearts, pasted the white on top of the red, and carefully traced the letters that spelled out the message she wanted to give to her mother for Valentine's Day. Sarah's heart swelled with love for her daughter as she gazed at the card.

During the time that Jia Li was pouring out all the love her five year old heart held for her mother, said mother was lying in a bed in a cabin in the mountains, wrapped in a warm comforter and the even warmer arms of Mike Logan. They had spent three days and two nights alone in the cabin, surrounded by snow and silence….and each other. She met him at his apartment the day before Valentine's Day and they returned the day after Valentine's. It was the longest period of time they had ever spent together. As the memories of those three days washed over her; the feel of his skin, the scent of him, the sound of his voice.

But more than the lovemaking they had engaged in, the memories she held closest were the long, uninterrupted talks they had. They shared their lives with one another over those days and nights in a way that they hadn't before. Mike was fascinated with the stories of Sarah's "boring, normal childhood" and her romance and marriage to Tony. He held her while she told him about the painful years of trying to conceive and the heartbreak of realizing that was never going to happen for them, the happiness of adopting Jia Li, followed by the devastation of Tony's illness and death. Sarah was able to coax Mike to tell her more about his childhood; his alcoholic and abusive mother, his distant father unable to cope with the wife he couldn't help, his years of being a "ladies man", looking only for women to have fun with and to share his bed, but not his life. Until he met Sarah.

She felt silly for allowing any worries to intrude on her lovely memories, but she noticed that Mike had not mentioned meeting her family or Jia Li once during the entire three days. She wondered if he had changed his mind, and thought how ironic that just as she felt ready to take that step the possibility loomed that he might have decided not to take it at all. But maybe he was just waiting for her to bring it up…after all, she was the one who said she wasn't ready the last time they discussed it. Sarah decided that must be what was going on; Mike was waiting for her to be ready, just has he had waited for her to be ready to let go of Tony. She looked at the strip of pictures lying on her desk and smiled.

On the way home from the cabin they couldn't agree on what to eat, arguing teasingly. Finally Mike pulled into the parking lot of a large mall and led her to the food court. He had enthusiastically devoured two very large slices of pizza and then helped Sarah with her Orange Chicken, Szechuan Tofu, and Fried Rice. There was a photo booth in the food court and Mike, in a playful mood, dragged Sarah into it for pictures. She ran her fingers down the series of pictures: Mike making a goofy face while she laughed at him, the two of them smiling into the camera with their heads touching, smiling and looking into one another's eyes, and…her favorite…the two of them kissing.

When Sarah arrived at her parents' house to pick up Jia Li she had been staring out of the window waiting for her, the card clutched in her hands. She had also been very excited about the chocolate heart that Sarah left for her mother to place next to her bed during the night. As much as she loved her time away with Mike, Sarah was happy to see her daughter and feel her solid little body against hers, her arms around her neck, and the numerous kisses on her cheek. She sighed as she looked from the card to the pictures. Two very separate areas of her life, both of them equally important to her. Was it time to bring them together? Picking up the frozen water bottle on her desk, Sarah took a drink of the ice cold water that had melted. Setting it down, she pushed aside her doubts and indecision about her personal life and focused her attention on the work waiting for her on the desk.

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Ally lay in bed in her dark room, staring at the ceiling and listening to the voices. They were muffled because her bedroom door and her parents' bedroom door were closed, and so she couldn't make out any words. But she heard the anger in both her mother's and her father's voices as they argued. It seemed as though that's all they did these days. They argued about everything and about nothing. They tried not to argue in front of her and her brothers, but they seemed to forget that closed doors did not make their bedroom sound proof. Even when they weren't openly arguing, silence surrounded them, punctuated occasionally by sarcastic snipes at one another.

Ally wondered if they thought that their children were idiots. Whenever any of the children were around, Mom and Dad smiled and joked, pretending everything was normal. But Ally knew it was pretense because she remembered what it was like _before_….before, when things really _were_ normal. She remembered how easily and how often both her parents smiled and laughed. She remembered how they always seemed to have something to talk about, and how they included the children in their conversations. She remembered how her father would spontaneously sweep her mother into his arms and dance her around the kitchen, while she clung to him and laughed. She remembered the sound of her mother singing…while she was making dinner, while she was vacuuming, whatever she happened to be doing. She remembered when family outings were fun and exciting….not full of tension and wondering if _they_ were going to start arguing over who left a gum wrapper on the floor of the car.

Christmas had been an exception. It had been truly fun and Ally hoped it meant things were returning to normal. She and her mother began working on a quilt and Ally enjoyed sitting with her, just the two of them, working together. Mom had told her stories about her own mother and father, before they died. She told her about going to live with Grandpa, about high school, her first date, her first kiss. But although they still worked on the quilt together and talked, the tension and fighting between her parents had returned. It was now almost March and the warmth and fun of Christmas was a distant memory.

Silence had descended on their home, at least when Mom and Dad were both home. Individually, they both seemed to try to relax and focus on the kids. But when they were together, even though they paid attention and talked to her and her brothers, Ally could see them glancing at one another as though they were trying to read one another's thoughts. When they spoke to each other, it seemed like they were choosing their words carefully, not sure of how the other would react. She couldn't remember the last time either one had teased the other.

Ally could tell that her mother was crying now. She did that a lot lately. Well, Mom had always cried a lot, but this was different. She used to cry when she was happy or when she saw or read something sweet, as well as when she was sad. None of her tears were happy tears anymore. Mostly she cried when she and Dad were arguing.

Ally couldn't pinpoint exactly when things changed, but she knew it had something to do with that Thanksgiving when Grandma got so mad at Mom. Mom hadn't gone to Carmel Ridge since. Now it was only Dad who took them to visit Grandma. She knew Mom didn't like not going and she knew that they used to argue about it. When she was lucid, Grandma didn't say anything bad about Mom in front of Ally and the boys; in fact, it seemed like Grandma had decided to pretend Mom didn't exist. Ally tried not to even mention Mom when they went to visit, and she knew that Phillip and Andrew avoided it as well. The three of them didn't talk to Mom about Grandma, either.

It was quiet now. The voices were softer and she knew that they were making up. Saying, "I'm sorry." Whenever she heard them argue, she always heard one or both say, "I'm sorry." But she wondered how sorry either of them really was if they just kept doing it again. Ally wondered if Phillip or Andrew were awake, if they had heard the fight tonight. Maybe they were able to sleep through it; they never mentioned hearing them fight, and neither did she.

She pulled her big brown stuffed bear closer and wrapped her arms around him, burying her face in his soft fur. Dad had taken her shopping for this bear just before she started Kindergarten. He told her that "Murray" would be a good friend and she could tell all her secrets to him when they were alone at night. And Murray would be waiting for her to come home from school every day to tell him what she did there. She supposed she was getting too old for him, but she still found comfort in his soft and squishy presence.

It was silent in the house now. Ally whispered, "Its over now, Murray." She closed her eyes and drifted to sleep with Murray tucked firmly in her arms.

**End chapter 10**

15


	11. Chapter 11

**DISINTEGRATION**

**CHAPTER 11**

_This chapter doesn't reference any episodes, but takes place around the time of Wrongful Life. Thank you again to my beta, Spook._

It was near the end of Annie's shift when the ambulance brought Johnny in. One of the night shift nurses offered to take care of him, but Annie said that she would do it. Johnny was one of their "frequent fliers" and one of her favorites. He had been coming into the ER for at least as long as Annie had worked there. In his late fifties, Johnny was a junkie with no intention of ever giving up his drugs. Over the years Annie had talked with him many times, pleading with him to go into rehab. But he always refused, telling her that he was fine. Johnny was careful not to reveal too much about his past, but she knew he was well-educated and well-read. She always kept some books that she or Bobby had finished with in her locker to give to Johnny whenever she saw him. He was grateful and she enjoyed their conversations about literature. He had let slip a few details of his life over the years and Annie knew that he had been married and had a daughter, but he didn't know where they were.

Annie also saw him at the soup kitchen her church ran. Anytime she was working when he came in, she made a point to sit and talk with him. When he came into the ER, she would try to get him admitted…at least overnight to make sure he had a bed and one or two meals. Most of the time he refused to stay, however. He wanted only to be treated for whatever brought him in and then he wanted to go back to the street….and his drugs. So she had gotten into the habit of making sure he had something to eat before he left. In addition to his addiction and the poor health that comes with living on the streets, he now had Hepatitis C and AIDS. This was another losing battle that Annie waged every time he came in…..trying to convince him to take his medications.

"What's the point of taking them?" he had asked the last time he came into the ER.

"To manage your diseases," she told him.

"There's no cure for them."

"No, but you can live for a long time if you manage them."

"So I live a few years longer? For what, Doll? The only thing I've got is the feeling I get when I'm high. And maybe those books you give me. I got nothin' else to stick around here for. And there's no one who cares if I'm on this earth for two more months or twenty more years."

Tears filled her eyes as she told him, "I care Johnny. And God cares."

He had patted her cheek and smiled at her, several teeth missing. "I know you do, Doll. I know you do."

The memory of that last conversation was on her mind as Annie followed the EMTs into an exam room. It had been two months since she last saw Johnny and she was dismayed at his appearance. His thinning grey hair was almost all gone and he had lost even more weight from his usually thin frame. His skin had a yellowish cast to it and seemed paper-thin. The whites of his eyes were also yellow. He had bruises on his face and arms, in varying stages of healing. The EMTs had put dressings over two deep lacerations on his right arm and one not quite so deep on his forehead. His clothing, already dirty and ragged, was smeared with blood.

"Johnny! What happened?" she asked him.

"Hey, Doll! I was hoping you would be here tonight. Got any good books for me?"

"Yes, but not until we get you taken care of. Now, what happened?"

"Can't say that I really remember," he said with a lazy smile, his eyes half-closed.

"Someone saw him fall down the steps of the subway and called 911," one of the EMTs told her. He gave her a report on the injuries they had found, as well as his pulse, respirations, and blood pressure.

"Well, I see you've had some heroin recently, Johnny. When did you last shoot up?"

He shook his head slowly. "You know I don't have a watch."

"Oh Johnny," she said with a sigh. "What am I going to do with you?"

As the EMTs left, Annie busied herself getting another set of vital signs, cleaning him up the best she could. Although she knew her supervisor would object, she got a set of scrubs for Johnny and asked one of the male orderlies to help him change. Johnny laughed at her as she winked at him and threw his clothes in the trash. It wasn't the first time over the years that she had given him clean clothes to replace the filthy rags he usually wore.

One of the residents came in with an intern to examine Johnny. The resident decided the intern could handle suturing the wounds, left Annie orders to follow up with a tetanus booster and an injection of antibiotics, and left. As she got the supplies the intern would need for suturing, she called the orderly back and asked him to check with the kitchen to see if there was still time to get a dinner for Johnny. In case it was too late, she also gave him money to buy some food from the cafeteria. Johnny lay quietly, dozing.

Annie knew that this would be the first time for the intern to suture a wound on his own without a resident or attending doctor to supervise, and she could see he was nervous. As she opened the suture kit and sutures for him, she smiled encouragingly at him. She also laid out a syringe and local anesthetic. She cleaned the skin around the wound on his forehead and laid a drape over Johnny's head, leaving the wound visible through the opening. She held the bottle of anesthetic as the intern inserted the needle into it and filled the syringe.

"OK, Mr…..Jones," he said hesitantly. Annie smiled. In all the years she had known him, Johnny Jones was the only name he would give, although everyone knew that Jones was an alias. "This will pinch a bit. Please don't move."

"It's OK, Doc," came the reply from beneath the drape. He held one arm out, showing the many track marks. "I ain't afraid of needles."

The intern smiled at Annie and she could see him relax a bit. He anesthetized the area around the laceration and then began suturing. Although he was nervous, he had done this many times and soon had the wound on Johnny's forehead closed. They repeated the procedure with first one and then the second wound on his arm. Repeating the resident's orders for a tetanus booster and antibiotic, he told Johnny he would be fine and left.

Johnny was still drowsy but he and Annie talked as she gave him the injections and began cleaning up. As she was gathering the pile of drapes that the intern had left on the instrument table, she was laughing at something that Johnny said when she felt a sharp pain in her right hand and looked down to see the needle that had been used to administer the local anesthesia imbedded deep into the heel of her hand. A circle of blood began spreading between her hand and the glove. She stared at the needle and the blood, trying to make some sense of it. Hadn't she seen the intern dispose of the needle? How had it ended up in the pile of drapes? And what was it doing sticking into her hand? Johnny realized she had suddenly become quiet and looked over at her.

"Crap, Doll! What have you done?!"

Annie looked at him and realization hit her. She pulled the needle out and ripped the glove off her hand as she moved quickly to the sink. She grabbed a large bottle of saline solution and struggled to open it with one hand.

"HEY!" Johnny yelled, trying to get someone's attention. "We need help in here!"

Dr. Stan Myers was with a patient in the next room and he looked up at the sound of Johnny's yells. He could see Annie through the window, standing at the sink with her back to him. He went to the adjoining door and opened it.

"Something wrong, Annie?"

"Hell yes, something's wrong," Johnny shouted. "She just got stuck with a needle that had my blood on it!"

Dr. Myers quickly moved over to Annie and took the bottle from her hands. He pulled a large syringe with a long, pointed tip out of the cupboard above the sink and drew saline into it. He squirted the saline over and around the puncture wound as Annie squeezed as much blood from it as she could. He repeated the irrigation until he had used the entire bottle of solution. Next he squirted a large amount of betadine over the wound, letting it drip into the sink.

"How did this happen?" he asked as they stood letting the betadine dry on her hand.

"I…I don't know," Annie stammered. "I thought I saw Dr. Cole drop all the needles into the sharps container. I…I didn't even think to look."

"OK, well…let's get you to another room. You know the drill, right?"

Annie sighed. "Yeah..I guess. I mean, not first hand. This has never happened to me before."

Dr. Myers nodded and put his arm around her as he steered her towards the door.

"Are you OK, Doll?" Annie stopped and turned to look at Johnny. He watched her anxiously.

"I'm OK, Johnny. Don't worry about me."

Dr. Myers led Annie to another exam room; a small one that was a bit more secluded and private from the other rooms. The next three hours passed in a blur; the nurse practitioner who dealt specifically with employees injured on the job was called in to counsel her and lead her through the process, someone came from the lab to draw blood for many tests, she was given a pregnancy test even though she assured everyone that there was no possibility that she could be pregnant, and she filled out form after form explaining how the accident had happened. She didn't need to have a tetanus booster because she had one just a year earlier. After discussing the pros and cons with the nurse practitioner, Melissa, at length, she decided to begin prophylactic treatment for HIV and Hepatitis C. She was given the first doses to take right then and the rest of the medication she would be taking for the next four weeks was put in a bag for her to take home. But before she left the nurse practitioner had one more detail to discuss with her.

"You're married, aren't you Annie?"

"Yes…why?"

"Well," Melissa said carefully. "Until follow-up tests show you are negative for Hepatitis C and for HIV, you will need to practice safe sex."

"Safe sex?" Annie felt like her brain was in a fog, from fatigue as well as the stress of the last three hours.

Melissa handed her a paper bag. Looking inside, Annie found several different brands and varieties of condoms. She looked up at Melissa, confused.

"Although the risk of you contracting either disease from a needle stick is low, until you are sure that you haven't…you need to use condoms when having sex." Annie continued to stare at her as she added, "You don't want to take a chance on infecting your husband, right?"

Annie didn't answer; she looked at the two bags, one containing her medications and the other containing the condoms. Melissa patted her hand and told her to call if she had any questions, and then she left Annie alone in the room. The entire evening had a surreal feeling to it, as though it were all a dream. Use a condom to have sex with Bobby? They had never used one in all the years they were married. She had given them out to numerous people over the years, counseling them to always use protection. Yet it had never occurred to her that she would one day need to use them. To protect her husband.

The reality of her situation struck with the force of a physical blow. Yes, the risk was small, but it was still there. She could contract either or both of those diseases. And if she did….she could pass them on to her husband. She reached into the bag and pulled out one of the small, square packages. Holding it up she thought about all the times she had given these out to people with instructions on their use and warnings to use them every time.

By the time Annie was free to go home, it was after 10 PM. As she walked out of the exam room, intending to head to the break room to retrieve her things from her locker, the night receptionist called to her.

"Johnny was discharged, but he's sitting out in the waiting room…waiting to talk to you."

"OK," Annie said numbly. "I'll see him on my way out."

"And your husband called a couple of times. I told him that you were….tied up with something and couldn't come to the phone. Was that OK?"

She nodded. "Yeah…that's fine. Thank you."

Annie went to her locker and pulled out her jacket and purse. She picked up the books she had been saving to give to Johnny and walked towards the waiting room. When he saw her, Johnny stood up quickly.

"Are you OK, Doll? I'm so sorry!"

Annie motioned to him to sit and she sat next to him. She took his hand and smiled sadly at him. "You don't need to apologize, Johnny. It wasn't your fault. I should have been watching what I was doing. I'm going to be OK."

Johnny looked at her solemnly. "I know that my time here is about up. But I would never in a million years do anything to hurt you, Doll."

"I know you wouldn't, Johnny, I know." She patted his hand and then gave him the books. "What do you do with all these books after you read them? Living on the streets, where do you keep them?"

"Well, I just keep them here in my bag….until I read 'em. Then I give them away…to other homeless people, to the shelters…that church of yours has some of them. I like to spread them around…share them with others the way you and your husband share them with me."

Annie reached over to hug him. After asking if she could take him to a shelter and being assured that he had a place to stay for the night, she went to her SUV. Once home, she sat for a moment in the driveway, looking at the few lights on downstairs. She should have called Bobby to let him know she would be so late. But each time she pulled her cell phone out and tried to turn it on, she couldn't bring herself to complete the call. She had written down on the incident report what happened, but couldn't seem to say it out loud. All during the time that Melissa talked her through the tests, the medications, the precautions….Annie had nodded and said very little. Now she was home and Bobby would want to know what was in the two brown paper bags….and what would she tell him?

Sighing, she got out of the SUV and walked up to the door. Letting herself in, she hung her purse and her jacket on the coat rack next to the front door. She turned to find Bobby standing in the middle of the living room watching her. There were two table lamps on and Annie could clearly see the angry expression on his face as they stood and looked at one another for several beats.

"You could have called, Annie," Bobby said softly. When she didn't answer, he went on. "Tonight was my poker night…you knew that, right? If I had known you were going to be working late, I could have gotten a babysitter."

She tried to will her mouth to open, to explain, to say something….but she just stood there, clutching the paper bags to her chest. He was waiting for her to answer; she saw his eyes darken as he grew even angrier at her silence. She lowered her eyes, unable to look at him, unable to say or do anything to erase the anger on his face. Her chest hurt with the pent-up emotions; she wondered briefly if this was what a heart attack felt like.

"If I had done this," his voice was tight, controlled, "you would be livid." Bobby turned away from her and paced across the room. "I was worried, Annie. I tried to call your cell and it was turned off. I was worried that something had happened to you. And then I call the hospital and I'm told that you are 'tied up and can't come to the phone'. You know that Nicole Wallace is still out there, you know that I wor….."

He broke off as he turned towards her and realized she hadn't moved since she first caught sight of him. He looked at her closely; she was standing in the same spot, holding two paper bags as though they were a lifeline, staring at the floor.

"Annie?"

Finally she looked up at him, her eyes wide and blank, as though she hadn't even been aware of him in the room. She blinked slowly and swallowed.

"I'm sorry, Bobby," she said softly. "I should have called. I just…I couldn't…" She stopped and took a deep breath. "I'm sorry."

Bobby frowned for a moment, noting she still hadn't moved. He walked over to stand in front of her; then, taking her elbow, he steered her to the couch. He sat on the coffee table, facing her with her knees between his. She was still holding the paper bags with both hands, so he rested his hands on her knees.

"What's going on, Babe?"

She had lowered her eyes again, staring at a spot on his chest, so Bobby reached over and gently pulled one of the paper bags from her. Opening it, he looked in and saw an array of condoms. Frowning, he glanced up at her and pulled the second bag out of her hands. He opened it and looked in, and then reached in to pull out several bottles of medication. He looked at the names on the bottles and looked back at Annie.

"What's going on, Annie?" he asked again, setting the bags next to him on the table and taking her hands in his. She brought her gaze up to his as she felt his thumb rubbing over the Band-Aid on her right hand.

"I was stuck with a needle," she whispered. Having said the words for the first time, she took a deep breath and said a little louder, "I was stuck with a needle….a dirty needle."

Bobby held her gaze. "And are they testing the patient for Hepatitis and HIV?"

She slowly shook her head. "No…there's no need to test him." The silence stretched out between them and she could feel his hands tightening around hers. "He's dying, Bobby," she said softly. "He has Hepatitis C and AIDS."

"OK." He swallowed and tried to process this information. "So what is the procedure now?"

"They drew blood for a lot of tests, including Hepatitis B, Hepatitis C and HIV." Annie's voice was calm, although she didn't feel calm. She felt as though there was a vise around her chest, making it hard to breathe. "They are starting me on a prophylactic course of AIDS medications," she said, pointing to one of the bags on the table. "And they will retest me for Hepatitis C and HIV."

"And what are the statistics on infection?"

"Well…." She took a deep breath. "In general, with any kind of needle stick or exposure there is a 30% chance of contracting Hepatitis B….but I've had the vaccine. There's a 3% chance of contracting Hepatitis C and 0.3% chance of contracting HIV. But…."

"But?" She was again looking at his chest and Bobby leaned over until he was able to make eye contact with her. "But?" he prompted again.

"But….we know that this patient has Hepatitis C and AIDS….and that he is dying. I think that increases the risk."

Bobby leaned forward and rested his cheek against hers.

"It's going to be OK, Babe," he said softly. She nodded her head wordlessly. "So…." He raised his head and reached into one of the bags, pulling out a condom. "We need to use protection, right?"

Annie looked at the small, square package in his hand and the vise on her chest tightened. "Bobby," she whispered, "I can't use those things."

He dropped the condom back into the bag and took both her hands in his, raising them to his lips and kissing them.

"I know we've never used them before, but it won't be so bad. There are lots of different kinds, Annie. We'll find one that feels…uh….that…."

"No," she said, shaking her head. "I mean…I can't….I can't risk it."

"Risk what?" He put a finger under her chin and tilted her head up to look at him.

"Risk infecting you."

"First of all, we don't even know that you are infected. Secondly, that is what the condoms are for, Babe."

She shook her head again. "And we don't know that I'm _not_ infected. And if I am…" She took a deep breath. "If I am…I'm not going to entrust _your _health to a flimsy piece of latex."

"Flimsy piece of….?" Bobby grinned at her. "I hope that's not part of your 'patient education' when you give them out."

"It's not funny!"

He looked at her soberly. "I'm sorry, Babe. You're right; it's not funny. But you said yourself, the chances of you getting either disease is low. And the risk of me getting them is even lower."

"But it isn't zero, in either case. Don't you get it, Bobby? The risk may be low, but the reality is that I _could_ contract either…or both…of those diseases. And condoms may be effective…but they aren't a hundred percent effective. _I won't take the chance!_"

"What are you saying? No sex? For how long?"

"They will retest for Hepatitis C in two weeks, four weeks, and eight weeks. And they will retest for HIV in….six months."

He stared at her in disbelief. "Six months? You're saying that you don't want to have sex at all for six months?"

She nodded. "Until we know it's safe."

"Safe?! Annie, with the jobs we have, there is always a risk. Just look at this logically…."

"No!" she interrupted him angrily. "I don't care about your 'logic'! I don't care about your statistics! I care that there is a possibility…a real possibility…that our kids could lose a parent. And I won't risk them losing both…."

The tears she had refused to shed all evening suddenly filled her eyes and ran down her cheeks. Annie pulled her hands from his and covered her face. Bobby slid onto his knees in front of her, wrapping her tightly in his arms. She buried her face against his chest and sobbed, giving in to the fear that was overwhelming her. Bobby held her while she cried, kissing the top of her head, whispering to her. When her sobs finally subsided and she was quiet again, he cupped her face in his hands and tilted her head back to look up at him. He looked at her tear-streaked face for a moment before resting his forehead against hers.

"OK", he said quietly. "If that's the only thing that will make you feel safe, that's what we'll do. No sex until you know for sure that you aren't infected."

"Bobby, I'm sor…."

"Shh…" he cut her off. "It's going to be OK. _You_ are going to be OK. _I _am going to be OK." He lifted his head and smiled down at her. "_We_ are going to be OK."

"I love you," she whispered.

"I love you, too." He kissed her. "And in six months I will go with you to get the results of your HIV test. Then we will get a hotel room and spend the rest of the day in that room fu…."

"Bobby!" She covered his mouth with her hand. "Don't be crude!"

He lowered his voice. "Oh, it's gonna be crude, Baby. It's gonna be crude."

She hugged him tightly as they laughed together. Later, lying in bed, he held her close, her face against his chest.

"I don't want to tell the kids," she told him. "There's no reason to let them worry for the next six months."

"OK."

"Bobby?"

"Mmm hmm?"

"I'm scared," she whispered.

His arms tightened around her. "I know you are. But it's going to be alright."

Bobby lay awake for a long time after Annie drifted to sleep, holding her. He allowed himself to contemplate what life would be like if Annie were to get sick. He felt fear lick at him as the realization began to sink in that she could……No, he pushed the thought away. He couldn't imagine life without her. He _wouldn't_ imagine life without her.

**End chapter 11**

12


	12. Chapter 12

**DISINTEGRATION**

**CHAPTER 12**

_Thank you to my beta Spook. You always get back to me so quickly! Just a few more chapters, guys…we are getting close to the end of season 5._

"Are you OK? You look like you don't feel very well."

Sarah frowned with concern as she looked across the table at her friend. Annie had met her at the library earlier and they had walked the two blocks to a small restaurant for lunch. But Annie was pushing her food around on her plate and eating very little.

"Oh, I'm fine," she said. "I think I just caught a bug or something. I'm sure it will pass soon."

"You aren't pregnant, are you?" teased Sarah.

"Absolutely not!" Annie blushed as Sarah laughed at her.

Annie kept to herself the real reason she wasn't hungry; the HIV medications she was taking were causing nausea and fatigue. It was difficult to fulfill all of her normal activities feeling as she did, but it was even more difficult to pretend that there was nothing wrong. She and Bobby had not told anyone about her needle stick or that she was taking the medications. Word had spread at the hospital, so most of her coworkers knew. But none of her friends or family knew; not her best friend Janie, not Alex, not Sarah, not even her grandfather. She told Bobby that she didn't want to worry anyone needlessly. He didn't contradict her, but she could see that he knew the real reason she didn't tell anyone. She thought that as long as she didn't talk about it, her fear wouldn't overwhelm her.

"So tell me how things are going for you and Mike," she said, changing the subject to something safer. "You went away for Valentine's Day…that must have been so romantic!"

"Oh, it was," sighed Sarah. "It was an amazing three days. I don't think things could be any better. Except..." She paused.

"Except?" prompted Annie.

"Well…he hasn't met Jia Li yet. I…I think it's time."

"So what are you waiting for?"

"I don't want to rush Mike. He said he wanted to meet her, but that was months ago and I wasn't ready then."

"So now you're both ready, right?"

"Well, he hasn't mentioned it since that night. I just hope…he hasn't changed his mind. He told me he's never been much of a 'kid person'. Maybe he's decided he still isn't."

"There's only one way to find out," Annie said with a smile.

**********************************************************************

Three days after her lunch with Annie, Sarah was working late at the library when she received a phone call from her mother.

"Sarah, I just got a call from Lillian….her husband has been taken to the hospital. They think it's a heart attack."

"Oh Mom, that's awful!"

"Yes, and her children are all so far away…none of them can get here until tomorrow. I'm going to go over there and sit with her…see if there's anything she needs. But your father is out bowling tonight, so I called Angie to see if she would keep Jia Li until either you or I get home. Is that alright?"

"Sure, that's fine, Mom. Jia Li loves going to see Aunt Angie and Uncle Jimmy. And don't worry about picking her up…I'll just pick her up there."

"OK, Dear. Thank you."

"Give Lillian and Fred my love."

**********************************************************************

Jimmy Deakins watched Mike Logan typing up a report. He had offered to finish up the paperwork on a couple cases so that his partner could leave early. In fact, most of the detectives had left for the day. Logan was hunched over his small, wobbly desk. Deakins smiled; he really needed to get the detective a better desk, in a better spot. He had not complained about being placed directly in front of the captain's office, but had worked hard to prove himself to be a valuable addition to the squad and he deserved to be shown that he was respected. On impulse, Deakins stood and walked to the door.

"Hey, Logan," he said, "why don't you finish that report tomorrow and come home with me? Angie makes a mean pot of chili."

Mike straightened and turned to the captain in surprise. "Uh…thank you, Captain. Do you need to check with your wife first?"

"No," Deakins said with a laugh, "she's always ready for company…makes enough food for an army. It'll be fine. Unless…you have plans already, with a certain librarian?"

Mike chuckled. "No such luck, sir. Sarah is working late tonight."

"Great! So you'll come?"

"Sure…thank you, Captain."

**********************************************************************

Alex nuzzled her nephew's soft curls. His body was warm and limp in her lap; he had fallen asleep during the "just one more story" he had begged his Aunt Alex to read to him. She smiled as she looked through the entryway to the kitchen, where Tom sat playing cards with her brother, her brother-in-law, and her father. They were laughing boisterously as her father told one of his stories from his days as a cop. Tom's children were lying in front of the TV with her brother's children. Her sister was showing off her newly redecorated bedroom to their mother and sister-in-law.

She remembered sitting in this same chair almost three years ago, rocking her nephew and wishing he could have been her baby….hers and Joe's. She sighed. Joe was still dead and this child was never going to be her son. But….Tom. Tom was here, and so were his children. And she thought it was just possible that she was falling in love with all three of them.

Liz sat down next to her and they both chuckled at the laughter coming from the kitchen.

"Tom fits in…he even laughs at Dad's stories," Liz told her.

"I know," Alex said. "And he's not even faking. He really enjoys them."

"He's a great guy, Alex. Is it….are you….serious?"

Alex grinned at her sister. "I think it's too soon to tell."

"Too soon?! You've been dating for over two years!"

"Well," she said with a chuckle, "we don't want to rush anything."

Liz gave an exasperated sigh as she stood and leaned down to pick up her sleeping son. "Just don't wait too long, Little Sister."

Alex sat for a few more moments and watched the men. Tom glanced up and saw her watching; he winked at her and went back to his game. Her attention shifted to the children. Sighing, she got up and went to join them in front of the TV. Delighted, they all tried to find a spot next to Aunt Alex. She smiled contentedly as she snuggled with the four squirming children and listened to their excited voices telling what she had missed of the movie so far.

**********************************************************************

When Jimmy Deakins opened the door of his house, there was a very excited five year old waiting for him. Jia Li flung herself into her uncle's arms almost before he had time to realize she was there.

"Hey there, Kidlet! What are you doing here?" he asked as he kissed her cheek.

"Mommy's working late and Gramma hadda go see a sick friend so Aunt Angie said I could stay here until Mommy picks me up and I've been waiting and waiting and waiting for you to get home Uncle Jimmy 'cause I want you to read me a story and Aunt Angie is making chili with cornbread and I love chili and did you bring me anything?"

"Whoa!" Jimmy laughed. "Take a breath, Kidlet. I didn't know you were going to be here when I got home so I didn't plan on bringing you anything. But if you tell Detective Mike hello, I think I can find a piece of gum for you."

Mike's breath caught in his throat as the face he had only seen in pictures turned towards him with a huge smile that lit up her face, reminding him suddenly of her mother's face when she smiled. He didn't have time to ponder the curiosity of how she could look so much like the mother who had no biological connection because her uncle set her down to search his pockets for gum and she politely extended her hand to Mike.

"Hello, 'tective Mike. My name is Jia Li."

He swallowed and returned her smile as he took the small hand in his. "Hello, Jia Li. It's nice to meet you."

"It's very nice to meet you," she said formally. Then her smile widened as she added, "You're big…just like 'tective Bobby!"

He chuckled as her attention was diverted to her uncle, who had just pulled a piece of gum from his pocket and held it out to her. He handed it to her, warning her to save it for after dinner and she ran off to show her aunt. The captain's wife, Angie, came out of the kitchen and greeted them. She seemed genuinely glad to have unannounced company and told them that dinner was ready and waiting. She shooed Jia Li off to wash her hands, promising her that Uncle Jimmy would read to her after they ate.

Mike enjoyed dinner and conversation with the Deakins. Jia Li sat across from him and peppered him with questions about whether he was married, had children, his pet ownership status, his opinion about children owning dogs (he suspected this was a subject she brought up to her mother often). She compared him several times to "'tective Bobby" and he wasn't too sure how he was measuring up; she obviously had a crush on the other detective. After dinner, he helped to clear the table. But Angie refused to let him help wash dishes, insisting he and Jimmy go into the living room. Jimmy warned him not to argue with a woman in her own kitchen and told him to go sit down and he would bring a beer to him. While he was waiting, he walked around the room looking at the family pictures. There was a framed picture of Sarah, Tony, and infant Jia Li. He paused to look at that one. They both looked so happy…and in love with one another and their new daughter.

"That's me and my Mommy and my Daddy," a voice said next to him, startling him. He managed not to jump and turned to look down at her as she continued. "I don't remember my Daddy, 'cause he died when I was a baby."

"I'm sorry about your Daddy, Jia Li."

"My name means 'good and beautiful'," she told him proudly.

"I've heard that," he said with a smile. "And are you good and beautiful?"

She smiled up at him. "Well….my Mommy says I'm beautiful. And I try to be good…but sometimes I'm not really, really good," she said with a giggle.

Mike chuckled. "Well, I know your Mommy and when she talks about you, it sounds like she thinks you are very beautiful and very good."

"You know my Mommy?"

"Yes I do. We are…..good friends."

"Do you like children, 'tective Mike?"

He kept his expression as serious as hers was. "I don't know very many children. But you seem to be very nice, so I think maybe I do like them."

"Do you like to read to children?"

"I don't know; I've never read to any children."

"I could teach you how," Jia Li said eagerly.

Mike acted as though he were giving it some thought, then nodded his head solemnly. "I think I would like to learn how, if you think you can teach me."

She smiled with pleasure and took his hand, tugging him towards a large chair. "First you hafta sit down right here." Once he was seated, she went to a low shelf on the bookshelves and pulled out several children's books. She laid them on Mike's lap and climbed up next to him in the chair, snuggling close to his side. "Now," she said, continuing his lesson, "you read the name of the book and the name of the person who writed it…'cause Mommy says it is 'very important to recognize authors'. And then you read the first page. But you can't turn the page until I'm done looking at the pictures, 'K?"

"OK," Mike told her. "Are we ready to start?" At her nod, he picked up the book on top. "Miss Spider's New Car, by David Kirk," he read. He paused a moment and looked down at her. "Is it OK to open it and start reading?"

"Uh huh," she said.

"'Mom writes that we should come to tea.

Let's go!' Miss Spider cried.

'We'll hire a frog to cross the bog

Down to the riverside.

Among the mice, we might entice

A fuzzy woodland guide.'"

Neither Mike nor Jia Li noticed Uncle Jimmy walk into the living room with two bottles of beer, stop short at the sight of them, and then quietly back out of the room. Halfway through the fourth book, Mike felt her body beginning to go limp and soon she laid her head in his lap and closed her eyes. He wasn't sure what to do with the sleeping child and looked towards the kitchen to see if anyone was nearby. He didn't see either the captain or his wife and it began to dawn on him that he hadn't seen either of them since they sent him out of the kitchen. It seemed odd that they would abandon their guest like that. He looked down at the sleeping girl in his lap. For the first time, he began to understand why parents gushed about loving to watch their children sleep. He had always thought it sounded pretty boring, but….there was something compelling about it. He touched her cheek with his finger, fascinated by how soft and silky her skin was.

Jia Li's cheerfulness surprised him. He wasn't sure what he had expected, but knowing how desperately sad Sarah had been over her husband's death, he supposed he had pictured a quiet, sad-faced little girl. But however difficult it had been, Sarah had obviously managed to fill her daughter's life with happiness. Jia Li had a sunny disposition that could charm the grumpiest person, and a trust in people that was disarming. Trust. Having never met Mike before, it was enough for her that Uncle Jimmy brought him home….she was ready to accept him as another friendly adult who could be charmed into reading to her.

He tried to remember if he had ever been that trusting. He doubted it. His mother had quickly destroyed any trust in adults that he might have had. And he had inherited her quick temper and general cynicism about people. He had been on the receiving end of his mother's quick temper many times. Unbidden, images flitted through his head of his own anger; perps he had slammed against walls, shoved around, threatened. He could see the face of the man who shot Max Greevey, the dark alley, the fear in the man's face as Mike held him against a filthy wall and put a gun to his head.

Mike looked down at the little girl sleeping soundly in his lap. What was he thinking? The decision not to have children had been deliberate and well thought-out. It was a decision that had worked well for him. A person with his background, with his propensity for violence, had no business around children. He knew from their first date that she had a daughter, but he was intrigued by Sarah. For so long Jia Li's presence hadn't seemed to matter since Sarah wanted to keep their dating separate from the rest of her life. As she became more and more important to him, he began wanting more. He wanted to be a part of the lives of all the people who were important to her, including her daughter. But looking down at Jia Li, panic seeped into him and he looked around quickly for Jimmy or Angie.

He heard their voices in the kitchen, but didn't want to call out to them and wake the little girl. He carefully slid his hand under her knees and stood up with her in his arms. Looking around, he decided to lay her on the couch. She barely moved when he put her down. Mike stood over her for a moment, watching her sleep. Turning away, he went to the kitchen. Jimmy and Angie were sitting at the table when he walked in and they both looked up.

"I saw that Jia Li roped you into reading to her," Jimmy said with a chuckle. "So I decided not to disturb you. I hope she didn't bother you."

"Bother me? Uh…no, no. Not at all. She, uh, she fell asleep and I laid her on the couch. Is that alright?"

"Oh yes, that's fine," Angie told him. "Thank you, Mike. She just loves books."

"Sit down and join us, Logan."

"Uh…thanks, Captain. But I…uh…I really need to go now. Thank you for dinner, Mrs. Deakins."

"Well, you're welcome, Mike. But Sarah will be here soon to pick up Jia Li. Wouldn't you like to wait and see her?"

"I'd like to, Ma'am, but I really need to get home. I'll call Sarah later."

"Well, let me give you a ride home," Jimmy said, standing up.

"That's not necessary, Captain. I'll catch the bus. It's probably faster than driving anyway."

Jimmy walked him to the door. "Is something wrong, Logan?"

"No, nothing's wrong. I…I just have something at home I need to do tonight."

"OK," Jimmy said. "I'll see you in the morning, then."

"Yeah…in the morning. Thank you, again, for asking me over for dinner, Captain. It was nice...I had a great time."

Deakins watched him walk away with a frown of concern. Sighing, he shut the door and went to check on Jia Li.

Sarah was singing along with the radio as she turned the corner onto the street where her aunt and uncle lived. Her headlights caught the figure of a man walking down the sidewalk, away from her. He looked familiar and as she drew up in front of the house, she realized why.

"Mike!" she called as she got out of the car.

He stopped and turned around. Hesitating for a moment, he walked towards her. She laughed and hugged him.

"What are you doing here?!"

"The captain invited me to dinner tonight," he said, squeezing her tightly and then stepping back.

"You…you had dinner with Uncle Jimmy and Aunt Angie?" she asked incredulously.

"Yeah….and with Jia Li." He watched for her reaction.

"Oh! Isn't it strange? Here I've been thinking for the last couple of days that it's time for you to meet her. I wish I had been here…but I guess it doesn't matter." She smiled up at him. "What do you think of her?"

"She's beautiful, Sarah," he said softly. "And sweet…and funny. She asked me to read to her and she….she fell asleep in my lap."

"So she likes you, too! I'm so glad!"

She hugged him again and Mike wrapped his arms around her, burying his face against her hair and inhaling her scent. Then he took her by the shoulders and pushed her gently away from him.

"Sarah, we need to talk. I was going to call you later, or meet you tomorrow…or…but, I…."

"What is it?"

Sarah looked up at him; Mike couldn't meet her eyes for a moment and looked down. Putting his hands on his hips, he looked back at her.

"Sarah….I…I can't do this."

"You can't do what?" she asked, confused.

"This," he said waving towards the house. "Kids…I just…I can't…." He took a deep breath and said, "I think we should stop seeing each other."

Sarah looked at him in stunned silence.

"I'm sorry, Sarah," he said softly. "That wasn't how I wanted to say it…there just isn't a good way to say it."

"But…why?" she asked. "I thought we were…this is because of Jia Li?"

"I'm doing this badly," he said, shaking his head. "Jia Li is a great little girl. Anyone would be lucky to have her in their lives."

"But you're going to pass?" Sarah said angrily. "Thanks, but no thanks..is that it?"

"Look, there's a reason I don't have kids. I had a crappy childhood with a drunk and abusive mother. I've got nothing good to give any kid. I made the decision a long time ago that I would never bring a child into the world because I don't want screw up another generation."

"Mike," she said softly. "Just because you had a less than ideal childhood doesn't mean you are going to 'screw up another generation'. Lots of people come from bad childhoods and still manage to be good people…parents, teachers, doctors…cops."

"I didn't have a 'less than ideal childhood'. It was a nightmare. I've told you about my mother….she beat me every time she got drunk, and she was drunk most of the time. My old man did the best he could, but he couldn't deal with her so he just spent more time on the job or at the bars.

"You don't understand. You had this Norman Rockwell childhood, surrounded by parents and family who loved you and showed you how special you were. You spent years longing for a baby of your own and when you finally had this beautiful little baby in your arms, you poured into her everything you got from your parents. Anyone can see that Jia Li is a happy, bubbly little girl because you are such a great mother.

"I've got nothing good to draw on from my past, Sarah. I've got nothin' to offer your daughter or any child…not as a father, or a step-father…or as 'Uncle Mike'. The best thing I can do for Jia Li is stay as far away from her as possible."

They stared at one another for several long beats. In the light of the streetlamps, Sarah could see his pain in his face. She could see that this wasn't what he wanted; she could see what it was costing him. She reached out and put her hand on his chest.

"OK, I understand what you are saying, Mike. I respect the decision you made not to have children. I think you are wrong that you have nothing to offer a child, but I understand why you feel that way. But…" Her voice wavered and she stopped to take a deep breath before continuing. "But why does it mean we can't see each other? We've been dating all this time…why can't we go on the same way?"

He covered her hand with one of his. "Because," he said gently, "you've gone for too long compartmentalizing your life, keeping all the parts separate. I know you, Sarah. You aren't in this relationship just for the sex. If you haven't thought about it before, one of these days you will want something…more, something permanent. Not just a boyfriend you see when you can get a babysitter. You are going to want, and you deserve, a boyfriend, or a husband, who will be a part of Jia Li's life as well as yours. And I'm not ever going to be that guy. I don't want you to waste time on a relationship that isn't ever going to be what you are truly looking for."

"But I…." She stopped and blinked back tears. She had almost said 'But I love you'. What good would it do though? Mike had just made it clear that there was no future for them, for reasons that had nothing to do with their feelings for one another. The fact that she had already fallen in love with him would not change that.

Mike brought her hand up and pressed a kiss on it. "I'm sorry, Sarah. I'm so sorry."

She nodded her head and said tremulously, "I know you are, Mike. But if this is what you have to do, I….I understand. Or at least I'm trying to understand."

Mike wanted to believe that it would all work out. He wanted to pull her into his arms and kiss her. He wanted to take her back to his apartment and make love to her. Instead he turned her hand over and kissed her palm. Releasing her, he said, "Goodbye, Sarah." Turning around, he walked away quickly.

Sarah stood and watched him until he disappeared into the night. Fighting back the tears, she closed her eyes and took several deep, shaky breaths. Finally, she turned around, squared her shoulders and headed up the walk towards the house. She needed to get her daughter and take her home.

**End chapter 12**

13


	13. Chapter 13

**DISINTEGRATION**

**CHAPTER 13**

_This chapter takes place during and references To the Bone and On Fire. Thanks as always to my beta, Spook!_

"'tective Bobby, will you read me a story?" Jia Li looked up shyly.

Sarah and Jia Li had joined the Gorens for dinner; Sarah and Annie were clearing the table. Bobby was helping as well, but paused to look down at the little girl.

"Sure, Jia Li," he said, smiling at her. "I don't get to read stories to my own kids very often anymore."

"Aww, Dad," protested Andrew, "we're too old for that stuff. Can we go play a game on the computer?"

Bobby nodded and the boys ran down the stairs to the basement. Ally took Jia Li's hand.

"C'mon, Jia Li. Dad can read to both of us, OK?"

Annie and Sarah watched Bobby settle on the couch with Ally sitting next to him on one side and Jia Li on the other.

"Well," Annie said with a sigh, "he always has had a way with the ladies."

Sarah giggled, then sobered as she heard her five year old daughter's next comment.

"'tective Mike is big like you are."

"Detective Mike? Logan?" Bobby chuckled. "Yes, I suppose he is big like me."

"But he didn't know how to read a story to me…so I teached him! And he did a really good job, too."

"Detective Mike is lucky he had such a good teacher."

Jia Li gave a dramatic sigh and said, "But I don't know when he can read to me again. I asked Uncle Jimmy and he said, 'I don't know.' I asked my Mommy if 'tective Mike can come over and read to me and she said, 'We'll see.'"

Ally gave a snort and said with all the wisdom of a twelve year old girl, "When parents say 'We'll see', what they mean is 'No.'"

"That isn't true," Bobby said chuckling and poking Ally with his elbow, causing her to giggle. "Sometimes it means we need to think about it. Sometimes it means we need more information. And sometimes it means 'not now, but possibly later'."

"Uh huh," Ally said. "We'll see."

Jia Li gave another deep sigh. "I hope my Mommy means 'p…posbly later'. I like 'tective Mike."

As Bobby settled in to read the book the girls had picked, Sarah crossed to the other side of the kitchen, trying to control the tears that threatened.

"Looks like Bobby isn't the only one who has a way with the ladies," Annie said, watching her carefully. "Mike seems to have made quite an impression on Jia Li."

Sarah blinked and took a deep breath. "Yes, yes he did."

"And yet you two still broke up."

"Yes we did," Sarah said softly.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Annie asked gently.

Sarah looked at Annie, her dark eyes large and luminous with unshed tears.

"W…we just decided…."

"….that it wasn't going to work out," Annie finished for her. "Is that the story you're going to stick with?"

Sarah sighed and moved to sit down at the table; Annie sat next to her.

"Mike and I seem to have spectacularly bad timing," Sarah said with a sad smile. "When we first met there was this instant attraction, and we began dating. And it was wonderful; _he_ was wonderful. The problem was me; I wasn't ready to let go of Tony yet. I tried, because I really did care about Mike. But he could see that I just wasn't ready; so he told me, as gently and sweetly as possible, that we should stop seeing one another. And we did, for an entire year. And I knew…I just _knew_ that I was ready to move on, and that Mike Logan was the man I wanted to move on with. So I went to see him, and we started dating. It's been….amazing. He is so sweet and gentle and funny…..and passionate," she added with a blush as Annie chuckled. "I told you already that a few months ago Mike said he wanted to meet my family, including Jia Li. In fact, he seemed hurt that I hadn't introduced him. But again the timing was off….I couldn't seem to bring myself to let him in to meet Jia Li. And he said he understood and he didn't bring it up again. After you and I talked a lunch that day, I started thinking maybe it was time, maybe I was ready. It was just a weird coincidence….timing again, I suppose….that Uncle Jimmy took Mike home for dinner with him on a night that Jia Li was there. They met, Jia Li roped him into reading to her. When I got there, Mike was leaving. He seemed…I don't know….freaked out. He told me he had met Jia Li and that she is beautiful and adorable….but that he couldn't see me anymore. He said...." She hesitated; would she be violating a confidence? "He said that he had a horrible mother, a horrible childhood, and that he made a decision a long time ago not to have any children. And he had made a mistake in wanting to meet Jia Li, that the best thing he could do for her, or any child, was stay as far away as possible. I…I tried to talk to him. But what can you do when a man tells you that he shouldn't be around your child?"

Annie had listened quietly while Sarah's story spilled out. Now she reached over and squeezed one of Sarah's hands.

"Do _you_ think Mike might harm Jia Li?"

"No!" Sarah said. "I mean, I know he has gotten physical with suspects, that he has a reputation in the department as being a 'hothead'. But I don't see him being someone who could harm a child."

"No," Annie agreed, "I don't either. Maybe he just panicked. He's a single man who has never been around children. Maybe when he's had a little time to think about it, he'll realize he overreacted."

Sarah shrugged. "I don't know. He seemed very determined. And I'm not the kind of woman to chase after a man and beg him to stay with me."

"Just don't give up too easily," Annie said, leaning over to hug her. "I think you two have deep feelings for one another, and I would hate to see you let that go if there is any hope for you to work things out."

Later, Annie and Bobby waved as Sarah and Jia Li drove off. Annie was standing in front of him, and Bobby wrapped his arms around her, pulling her against him and kissing the top of her head.

Annie slipped into the bar and looked around for Bobby. She spotted him sitting at a table with Mike and made her way over to them. When Bobby called to say he was going to have a drink with Mike after work, she jumped at the chance to invite herself. She had two ulterior motives; time away from the house with Bobby was the primary one. Their bickering seemed to be worse lately and she hoped that spending a little time together, away from the house and the children would help to soothe some of the friction between them. Things had been nice the night before while Sarah and Jia Li were there, and Annie hoped to keep the tension at bay.

Both men stood up as she approached and slid into the booth next to Bobby. He dropped a kiss on her cheek and leaned back with his arm along the booth behind her. She ordered a diet soda and considered how to bring the conversation around to her second motive for wanting to see Mike Logan.

"How are things in the squad? How's your partner?" she asked Mike.

"Barek's good," Mike told her. "She's got the Mayor's Task Force nosing around; they may have a spot for her."

"She's leaving Major Case?"

"They haven't offered yet. But I think they like that she had experience with the FBI after 9/11."

"Will she take it if they ask?"

Mike shrugged. "Who knows? It would be a good opportunity for her."

"Mike…." Annie hesitated. "I…I was sorry to hear about you and Sarah breaking up." She felt Bobby stiffen almost imperceptibly beside her.

"Thanks," he said with a nod. "I, uh, I know you and Sarah are friends. I hope it doesn't make it uncomfortable for you."

"Not at all," Annie said with a side-ways glance at her husband. "You are our friend, too. We are both just sorry it didn't work out. I thought you two were….great together. And I think that Jia Li would have really liked you, too."

Now she felt Bobby shift uncomfortably; he dropped his hand to her shoulder and lightly squeezed….warning her to stop, she knew. She could see Mike frown slightly as he looked at her; trying to gauge what Sarah might have told her.

"Well, um…Jia Li is a sweet little girl," he said carefully.

Annie nodded in agreement. "She's at that age when little girls adore their fathers. Although," she said with a chuckle, "I think most little girls adore their fathers throughout their lives. I know Ally has been a Daddy's girl almost from the moment she was born." Bobby's free hand was resting on the table next to his drink and Annie placed her hand on top of his. "All three of our children think their Dad is the smartest, strongest, bravest man on earth. Bobby's a wonderful father….even though he didn't have much in the way of role models where parents were concerned."

Bobby's hand on her shoulder tightened but Annie ignored it and went on, determined now that she had come this far. Mike was looking at her with curiosity.

"Bobby's mother was mentally ill from the time he was seven, and his father was a gambler and womanizer who left the family when Bobby was just eleven. Yet he is the tenderest and most involved father I've ever seen."

Bobby cleared his throat and straightened, withdrawing his arm from around Annie and his hand from hers. Signaling the waitress for another drink, he glanced at Annie and pointedly changed the subject. She sat back and sipped her soda quietly as the men discussed the how the Yankees were going to do this season. She had said what she wanted to say to Mike; hopefully she had planted a seed.

An hour later, she hugged Mike goodbye and walked with Bobby to where she had parked the Mustang. He had taken the subway to work that morning, so they were going home together. He didn't speak to her as they walked and it occurred to her that he hadn't said a word to her for the last hour. At the car, he pulled his keys out and reached to open the passenger door for her.

"I'll drive," Annie told him with a smile. "I'm the designated driver."

Bobby shook his head and opened the door, motioning her in. "I haven't had that much to drink. I'll drive."

"But I haven't had anything to drink," she insisted.

"I said I would drive." She looked up at him, surprised by his clipped tone, then slid into the passenger seat without protest.

Bobby got in and started the car in silence, pulling into traffic. He said nothing for a few blocks and then asked quietly, "What the hell was that about?"

Annie looked at him nervously. "You know I don't like swearing, Bobby. And what was what about?"

Butterflies started fluttering in her stomach as she saw his jaw tighten with anger. "Don't play games with me, Annie. You know exactly what I'm talking about. What was all that crap about my parents?"

Sighing, she sat back and looked through the windshield. "Sarah told me that Mike broke up with her because he doesn't want children."

"And what does that have to do with me or my parents?"

Annie shifted uncomfortably. "The reason he doesn't want children is because he had a pretty bad childhood. She didn't go into detail, just said it was horrible. And he thinks it would be better for Jia Li if he wasn't around. I just wanted to let him know that having a bad childhood doesn't necessarily mean being a terrible father. And…well, you're the best father I know. I just thought….."

"So you just thought you would trot out _my _bad childhood as a little life lesson? And then what? Logan would see the error of his thinking and rush back to Sarah? And once again Annie has solved everyone's problems."

"That's not fair," she said angrily. "I thought it might help…is that so bad? They are obviously in love with one another and I thought maybe…"

"…….you could fix it," he finished for her. "You had to meddle; you couldn't just leave them alone and let them work it out."

"They weren't working it out! They're in love and they're hurting and I just…."

"You just knew better than either of them what was best for them. But you never stopped to think you might make things worse."

"Stop interrupting me! And how did I make things worse?"

"Do you think Logan couldn't see right through all that? That he didn't know exactly what you were getting at? That Sarah must have talked to you about it? Did it occur to you that he might be angry to know Sarah told you something so personal? That he might not appreciate hearing something he shared in private is now fodder for gossip?"

"It wasn't gossip! Sarah was hurting and she shared the reason for her pain with a friend. You remember what sharing is, don't you Bobby? It's something that _some_ husbands and wives do…..something _you_ used to do before you decided to shut me out!"

"Enough!" His voice reverberated in the car, startling her. "I'm not having this conversation again!"

Annie opened her mouth to argue, then thought better of it. She lifted her chin and turned to stare out of her window. They rode the rest of the way home in silence. She didn't wait for him to open her door as he usually did but got out, slamming the door closed a bit harder than was necessary. Without speaking or looking up at him, she walked to the front door. She paused for a moment before opening the door, trying to compose herself before facing Janey. She felt Bobby standing silently behind her. If Janey noticed anything amiss, she didn't comment on it.

"I think the boys are asleep already, but Ally may still be awake," she told Annie. "You know, Ally isn't going to need a babysitter much longer. In fact, she'll be ready to start babysitting herself before too long."

"Yes, she keeps reminding me of that, too." Annie walked Janie to the door. "Your boys are spending the night Friday, right?"

"Yes, and I can't thank you enough. A whole night with just Rob and me…sounds like heaven."

They hugged and Janie walked home. Annie closed and locked the door. Turning around, she found Bobby standing at the bottom of the stairs watching her. They stood for a moment looking at one another without saying anything. Annie felt the tears forming; finally she closed the space between them and found his arms holding her tightly against his chest. Her body shook with silent sobs as she wrapped her arms around his waist. His lips whispered against her hair.

Looking up, Annie said, "I'm sorry, Bobby. I really am. I keep making things worse. I just can't seem to do anything right anymore. And you're always so angry with me."

"Shhhh…." Bobby's hands framed her face and he gently kissed her tear-streaked cheeks. "I overreacted."

Annie shook her head. "I don't know what's happening to me, Bobby. I'm angry or I cry for no reason….I try and try to figure out how to make things the way they used to be, but I end up pushing you away."

"Shhhh….." he said again. "I'm not going anywhere, Babe."

She closed her eyes and felt his lips brushing soft kisses over her eyes, her forehead, her cheeks. He whispered, "I love you" against her lips but when she opened them to kiss him, his mouth moved away. He kissed the corner of her mouth, along her jawline, down her throat. She moaned softly as he pressed his lips against the sensitive hollow of her throat. The tip of his tongue touched her skin, sending a shiver down her spine. His hands moved to her hips and pulled her closer against him. His lips moved from her throat to nibble gently along her collarbone to her left shoulder. His hands slid slowly up her waist towards her breasts as his lips slowly kissed down her chest. He paused with his hands circling her ribs and his thumbs just under her breasts, his teeth gently nipping at the rise of her left breast through her cotton shirt. Annie's hands were clinging to him, pulling him closer; she pressed her hips against him.

Suddenly Bobby stopped and pulled away, holding her at arm's length with his hands on her shoulders. She stared up at him, her eyes wide, and he smiled sadly down at her.

"Before we even went on our first date," he said, his voice soft and hoarse, "you told me that if you ever had to say no, it would be the last time I would ever see you." The memory of sitting in the hospital cafeteria as he asked her out on a date for the first time washed over her. "I need to know what the rules are now, Annie. You said you don't want to have sex until your six month HIV test. But I'm more than willing right now to carry you up to our bedroom, put on one of those condoms you brought home, and make love to you."

They stared at one another for several moments and he could see the battle she was waging with herself. But her fear won out and she shook her head, stepping back. Bobby's hands dropped to his side and he nodded at her.

"I'm sorry, Bobby. I'm so sorry."

"It's alright, Annie. It's going to be alright."

She took a shaky breath and said, "I guess I'll take my pills and go to bed. All of a sudden I'm exhausted."

Bobby leaned down and kissed her. "I've got some reading to do. I'll be up later."

Upstairs in their bedroom, Annie got ready for bed. She went into the bathroom and swallowed the HIV medications that she was taking as a precaution. Climbing into bed, she moved to Bobby's side of the bed and wrapped her arms around his pillow, and then pulled the blankets around her.

It was after two AM when Bobby finally climbed the stairs to their room. He expected to find Annie sound asleep, probably on his side of the bed. But as he opened the door, he heard the now familiar retching sound coming from the bathroom. He opened the bathroom door just as she reached up to flush the toilet. Annie was sitting on the floor, her arms propped on the toilet seat. Her hair was loose around her shoulders and damp with perspiration and her forehead was moist. Bobby wet a washcloth with cold water and filled a cup. He knelt next to her, trying to keep his weight off his bad knee, and handed her the cup. Annie took it, rinsed her mouth and spit into the toilet, then drank the rest of the water in the cup. Bobby gently wiped her forehead and face with the cold cloth.

"Thank you," she whispered. Folding her arms across the toilet seat, she laid her head down and closed her eyes. Silent tears slipped down her face.

"Baby, you can't go on like this," Bobby whispered, smoothing the hair off her face. "Call the doctor."

She shook her head, without opening her eyes. "I've only got another week of the medications. It's almost over. I think I'm done now, Babe. You can go to bed; I'm just gonna stay here for a little while."

Bobby sighed and lowered himself to sit on the floor behind her. He pulled her so that she was leaning back against him. He wrapped his arms around her and laid his cheek against the top of her head. Annie rested her arms on top of his where they crossed on her stomach, her fingers laced with his.

"I'm not going anywhere, Babe," he whispered.

**********************************************************************

Mike Logan was feeling buzzed, and he was content with that. It made for fuzzy memories, and right now he preferred fuzzy to the realization of just how badly he had screwed things up lately. He tried for a moment to think of something in his life that wasn't screwed up, and came up blank.

He had most likely screwed up a perfectly good partnership by asking Barek back to his apartment. She said she would overlook it, "on account of you're not in your right mind." They had continued working on the case, but his partner was still angry. He wouldn't be surprised if this pushed her to take the job on the Mayor's Task Force. Things were still uncomfortable between them. He hadn't even been able to go back to Peter J's since that night, instead taking a cab to a bar much further away from his apartment.

He had screwed up the case. He failed to find the evidence needed to put Chesley Watkins away for murder. He failed to get a confession from her. In fact, she humiliated him by leading him to talk about his mother and forgiving her for what she had done to him as a child, convinced Chesley was on the verge of confessing, only to have her lawyer up at the last minute. He had failed to prevent Antonio's murder in jail, a murder he knew was ordered by Watkins. He had failed to foresee she would convince Floyd to commit suicide rather than testify against her. Those two were the weak links in her gang of former foster children who robbed and murdered at her command. With them gone, there was no evidence to link her to the robberies or the murders and she was a free woman.

He had almost certainly screwed up his career. He had been cleared…officially….in the shooting of Detective Tarkman. But even if he had done everything by the book and everyone, including the captain, assured him it was just one of those horrible mistakes….the fact remained that he had shot and killed a man, and a cop at that.

"_You were cleared, Mike,"_ Deakins had told him. _"Anybody gives you any crap…let 'em talk to me."_

The alcohol took some of the sting out of the sickening images that continued to play through his head of the way Tarkman fell back when Mike's bullet hit him, of Barek finding Tarkman's badge, Mike and the uniformed cops lifting him into the squad car to be rushed to the hospital, sitting on the curb after Barek stopped him from rushing to the hospital after them, handing his gun to his partner, the phone call Deakins received telling him Tarkman had died. A man's life and Mike's career down the hole in one fell swoop. Cleared or not, this was the kind of thing that would follow him for as long as he was on the job. Already Deakins was catching flak for it; he knew the captain had been giving statements to a review board and there were rumors circulating that he had been accused of covering up for Mike. Goren and Eames assured him they were looking into it and that it was best if he just stayed out of it.

After blowing it with Barek and almost taking a drunken woman home with him, Mike had finally called Dr. Elizabeth Olivet. He hated to admit he might need a shrink, but at least Liz was someone he knew and trusted. He trusted her enough to tell her what he was really feeling…._"It woulda been better if he shot me."_

"_Mike, you have to accept that it's possible to do all the right things and still get a bad result," _Liz had told him.

"_How?" _he asked. _"How do you accept that?"_

"_With time, you learn to live with it."_

Time…he wondered, as he looked at the picture of Liz and her daughters, if there would ever be enough time for him to accept this. She saw him looking at the picture and added, _"A support system…everybody needs one."_

He hadn't told her about Sarah, but he wondered if she knew. Probably. She worked with cops, after all, she would have heard the rumors about Detective Logan dating Captain Deakins' niece. She would have also heard the rumors that they had broken up.

Which brought him to one more screw-up…breaking up with Sarah. Or maybe he had screwed up by going out with her in the first place. All he knew was that having her in his life had made him….happy. No, more than that. It had felt right. Now there was nothing in his life that felt right.

He didn't notice the woman sliding onto the bar stool next to him until he heard a familiar voice ordering a beer. He turned to her in surprise.

"Eames? What are you doing here?"

"Looking for you, Logan."

He gave her a lopsided grin as she took a drink of her beer. "I take it Barek told you what happened." She nodded in agreement. "And now you get the job of babysitting me in a bar because I was 'inappropriate' with my partner…is that it?"

Alex set the bottle on the bar and looked at him seriously. "No. It's more like I get to hunt you down and make sure you're OK."

He looked at her silently for a moment before propping his elbow on the bar and leaning his head on his fist. Mike gave her a sardonic grin.

"Thought your partner was the one who gets into the heads of the perps."

"You aren't a perp, Logan. And I'm here because….I understand."

"So this is a 'cops who kill' support group?"

Alex shrugged and took a drink of her beer. "Something like that. It does help to talk about it."

"'_A support system…everybody needs one.' _That's what Liz said."

"Liz," Alex asked.

"Olivet….the shrink. I went to see her."

"I know who Dr. Olivet is," Alex said. "I've been to see her myself." She grinned at him. "But I don't call her 'Liz'."

Mike chuckled. "We go back a ways." Then sobering he added, "I appreciate this, Eames, but our situations aren't exactly the same. I killed a cop…you killed a perp."

"Perps," she corrected him. "Plural…I've shot two men, Logan. And yeah, they were perps and not cops. But a life is a life. And taking one, no matter how justified it was and no matter how much of a bizarre accident it was…it just sucks. You can't go back and change it; you have to find a way to live with it, to forgive yourself and move on." When he didn't answer, she continued. "And Olivet's right…everyone needs a support system."

"So who's your support system?"

"I've got my family," she said with a smile. "And Tom. He's been great and I know I can talk to him about anything anytime."

"Yeah…." Mike's voice was soft and faraway. Alex thought he was unaware of her presence for a moment. "I had that for a while."

Alex's voice was also soft as she asked, "Why don't you call her, Mike?"

He took a deep breath and sighed noisily. "She's better off without me. Especially now."

"Why especially now?"

"How do you think she would feel, knowing her boyfriend was causing so much trouble for her uncle?"

"Look, Logan, you didn't cause trouble for the captain. Deakins doesn't want us to say anything, but I think you should know….Goren and I traced this whole thing back to Frank Adair and his friends in the NYPD. He's setting Deakins up. But he wants to handle this himself."

"Frank Adair?"

"Yeah…Adair's buddies cooked up this whole thing about Deakins 'rewarding' Martinez for backing you up on that shooting. It's nothing but lies."

"Damn."

"Yeah…"

"Thanks Eames. And tell Goren thanks."

"I will. So," she said with a sigh, "buy me another beer. Oh, and Logan…about Sarah…."

"Yeah?"

"You're an idiot."

Mike laughed and ordered another round for both of them. They sat for another hour talking. Eames finally stood up and announced she needed to leave.

"You aren't driving, are you? Why don't we share a cab," Mike suggested.

Alex looked at him with mock sternness. "You aren't gonna try anything, are you? Because I'd hate to have to hurt you while you're drunk."

Mike laughed and held his hands up in surrender. "I swear, Detective, I'll stay on my side of the cab."

Alex insisted on dropping Mike off first, and making sure he got into his apartment building. Then, instead of her address, she gave the cabbie Tom's. His house was dark when she arrived, but she could see the light from the television flickering through the window. Alex had a key and let herself in.

Tom was sitting in a large armchair, his feet propped on a stool in front of him. ESPN commentators laughed at one another's jokes on the TV as she crossed the living room towards his chair. Tom smiled and pulled her onto his lap and wrapped his arms around her. Alex snuggled against his chest and closed her eyes, sighing deeply.

"I thought you weren't coming over tonight," he said softly.

"Changed my mind," she murmured.

"Did you find Logan?"

"I found him. In a bar, of course."

"How is he?"

"Drunk," she said with a chuckle. "He'll be OK. It just takes time. Hey…have I mentioned how much I like your house?"

"Mm hmm, you told me a few times when you helped move my things out of the apartment."

"Good." She relaxed against him for a few minutes, listening to the chatter on ESPN. "Have I mentioned what a good cook you are?"

He smiled, his face nuzzled against her hair. "Yeah."

"Good." A few more minutes of silence. "Have I mentioned that I think you are a great dad?"

Tom pulled back so that he could look at Alex's face. "Yeah, you've mentioned that. What's going on?"

She reached up and traced his features with her finger. "I just think that it's important to tell people how you feel about them." He smiled and kissed her finger as it moved softly over his lips. "Tom," she hesitated and looked into his eyes. "I love you."

Tom froze for several long beats, holding her gaze. "I'm glad to hear that, Alex, because I love you, too," he whispered before lowering his head to hers for a gentle kiss.

**End Chapter 13**

_The comment by Deakin and the conversation between Logan and Olivet are in italics because they are taken directly from the episode "To the Bone", with thanks to the writers_

_And now a plug for the following websites in the campaign to keep Goren, Eames, and Ross on LOCI._

.com/  
.?gid=267717585231  
.org/wiki/Law_and_Order:_Criminal_Intent

16


	14. Chapter 14

**DISINTEGRATION**

**CHAPTER 14**

_This chapter takes place at the end of season 5, after the events of On Fire and The Good. Thank you to Judy for stepping in to beta while Spook is taking a little vacation. _

Bobby rubbed his eyes wearily. It was late, well after midnight, and he was tired. He should go to bed, but still he lingered in his basement office. Annie should be asleep by now. She was finished with the HIV medications, so the nausea and vomiting that had kept her awake so many nights was over.

There was a time in their marriage, not too far in the past, that he went to bed when she did and held her until she fell asleep. He would get up, come downstairs, and read until he finally was tired enough to sleep himself. And then he would find Annie curled around his pillow, as though she were waiting for him even in her sleep.

But now he found himself staying away from their bedroom until he could no longer stay awake; he stayed away until he knew Annie was sound asleep. He didn't have the energy for the arguments and so he avoided his wife. And not just at bedtime. He stayed later at work than necessary, stopped for a drink on the way home, found excuses to take his Mustang to Lewis' shop where he spent more time just talking with his friend than working on the car. When he was home, he took refuge in his office more and more often.

Refuge. Annie had always been his refuge. When the pressures of the death and depravity that he saw on his job became overwhelming, Annie had always been there. When the pressures of dealing with his mother and her illness became overwhelming, Annie had always been there. She was there to listen, to empathize, to offer perspective, sometimes just to put her arms around him and whisper in his ear how much she loved him.

Things had changed between them and he wasn't sure how they could find their way back to what had once been between them. It began with his mother. Discussing his mother resulted more and more in arguments and so he stopped talking about her with Annie. Rather than avoiding arguments, this only increased them as Annie pushed him for information, pushed him to allow her to visit. Eventually he stopped talking to her about his job because all too often it seemed to lead right back to the situation with his mother, and to another argument.

It wasn't entirely Annie's fault; he knew he overreacted and snapped at her over insignificant things. She, on the other hand, was moody. He never knew if a discussion about the most trivial subject would lead to tears or a heated argument. Although most arguments also led to tears. Annie cried when she was sad, when her feelings were hurt, when she was angry. She had also always cried when she was happy, but he couldn't remember the last time her tears had been because of happiness.

They always made up. One or both of them always apologized and the other always forgave. Before her needle stick, they made up by making love. Now they held one another and tried not to discuss the fact that they were not making love.

Bobby was weary. Everywhere he looked in his life, there was tension and pressure. He never knew, in his daily phone calls and weekly visits to his mother if she would be lucid and pleasant or rambling about "bugs". As difficult as his job could be, he had always enjoyed putting together the puzzles that led to solving cases. Now, however, even though he and Eames had solved the puzzle of who set up Captain Deakins, it hadn't stopped him from resigning from the NYPD. Rather than allow the department to be involved in scandal in order to clear his name, he chose to resign. Bobby dreaded meeting a new captain. Deakins understood his unconventional detective and allowed him the freedom he needed to do his best work. As Eames had said once, Bobby "_just wants to be left alone to do what he does best…catch bad guys._" The captain had also stood behind him on numerous occasions when "upstairs" had wanted to shut down an investigation. He wanted to share his fears with Annie.

He also wanted to talk to her about the last case he and Eames had worked on. Annie knew they were investigating the church fires, because she read the paper. She also knew, from the paper, that they had cleared the case and had gotten confessions. This was exactly the kind of case he longed to have her perspective on….a lurid story about a woman seducing her fourteen year old stepson and becoming pregnant, keeping the child's paternity a secret from everyone, and years later the secret leaking out and leading to arson and murder.

But not discussing things had become a habit, because it was fraught with uncertainty. It might be a relief to share with her, or it might lead to an argument that would add even more stress than the situation he wanted to discuss. It seemed easier to keep it to himself. He sighed again and ran his hand over his face.

Putting his book away, Bobby got up and made his way up to their bedroom. As he expected, Annie was asleep on his side of the bed, cradling his pillow. Stripping down to his tee shirt and boxers, Bobby moved to the bed and stood for a moment watching her sleep. He gently moved her over and pulled his pillow from her arms. As he settled in bed, he turned to his side, facing her. In her sleep she rolled into his arms and nuzzled her face against his throat, murmuring his name. He pulled her close against him and kissed the top of her head. He lay for a long time, listening to her even breathing, before drifting to sleep.

**********************************************************************

Sarah pulled up in front of her aunt and uncle's home. She sat for a moment in the car before getting out and walking up to the front door. Aunt Angie hugged her as she invited her in.

"Aunt Angie, this is terrible! I can't believe he quit!"

Angie smiled at her sadly. "I know. The job is all Jimmy's known. I've been a cop's wife for so long; I can't even imagine anything else."

"How is he?"

Angie shrugged. "Philosophical. It's only been a week and I don't think it's sunk in yet. It feels like he's just on vacation and will be going back to work on Monday. He's in his study. Why don't you go say hello to him?"

"OK."

Sarah walked down the hallway to Uncle Jimmy's study and opened the door. He was sitting in a recliner reading a book. He looked up and smiled when he saw her, putting his book down and taking off his glasses.

"Hey, Kiddo! I'm glad to see you."

Sarah leaned down to kiss his cheek, and then sat in the chair next to his.

"I should have come sooner….when I first heard that you were resigning. I….I just didn't know what to say. I'm so sorry, Uncle Jimmy."

"Hey," he said, taking her hand. "Why would you be sorry? Or afraid to talk to me?"

"Because Mike….."

"Stop right there," he said firmly. "Logan is not the reason I left the job."

"But….he shot that policeman."

"That was a terrible situation, but Logan was not to blame for it. He did everything by the book and he was cleared."

"I don't understand," Sarah said. "Isn't it that shooting that got you into trouble?"

"Look, Kiddo, the reason I got into trouble is because of someone I once considered a friend." At her confused look, Jimmy explained the story of Frank Adair's arrest and conviction for murder. "It was Adair who got a couple of his friends on the force to lie and fabricate 'evidence' against me concerning the shooting."

"But…it was Mike shooting that officer that set the whole thing in motion, wasn't it?"

"No…it was Frank Adair who set the whole thing in motion. If it hadn't been the Logan shooting, he would have found something else. Sarah," Jimmy sat up and leaned towards her. "Logan is a _good_ cop. One of the best I've ever worked with. I used to say that about Frank Adair. But Adair got so caught up in politics and in his own lies that he never even knew when he crossed the line from cop to criminal. He's in prison for murder and he still thinks he did nothing wrong. That kind of thing will never happen with Logan. Logan is a _cop_. He's not interested in being anything but a cop. He doesn't care about being a captain or playing the game of politics. He's honest and all he wants is to catch bad guys. And," he paused and made sure he had her full attention. "Logan is not just a good cop, he's a good guy. One of the best."

Sarah looked down at her feet as she murmured, "A good guy who doesn't want me."

"I don't know what happened between you two, but I've watched you together. There's no way that man doesn't want you."

She looked back up at her uncle. "But….He broke up with me, Uncle Jimmy. What am I supposed to do?"

Jimmy reached over and took her hand. "Talk to him?"

"And if he doesn't want to talk?"

"Then you'll be back where you are right now; no better, but no worse, either. But you will know you tried everything you could."

Sarah didn't answer, considering what he had just said. Jimmy stood up and pulled her to her feet.

"Let's go see if your aunt has some iced tea for us," he said with a smile. Putting his arm around her shoulders, he led her out of the study.

**********************************************************************

Annie walked into the house after work and found no one in the living room or kitchen….which she noticed Bobby and the children had cleaned after dinner. She went looking for Bobby first, heading down to the basement. He was sitting on the leather couch, reading. He smiled as she came down the stairs and settled on the couch next to him. Putting the book down, he pulled her close and kissed her.

"Busy day in the ER?" he asked.

"The usual Sunday stuff. You and the kids ate dinner?"

"Uh huh…I made Chicken Divan. I put some aside without the chicken, if you're hungry."

"Mmmm….sounds good. I'll get some later. The kids upstairs?"

"Yeah…hopefully getting ready for bed and for school tomorrow."

"I'll go up in a minute to see them," she said, adding carefully, "How was your day? How is your mother?"

"She's fine," he replied just as carefully. "We went to the park and played some basketball this afternoon. And, uh, I need to talk to you about something Ally asked."

Before she could find out more, they heard footsteps coming down the stairs. Ally ran down the stairs and bounced over to the couch to hug her mother.

"Mom! Hi! Did Dad ask you? Can I please? Pleeeeeease?"

Annie laughed and hugged her daughter back. "Hold on! Ask me what? What are you two up to?"

"Uh, Ally….maybe you should let….." Bobby began, but Ally interrupted.

"I want Dad to take me to the shooting range," she exclaimed, jumping up from the couch. "I want to learn how to shoot. And Dad can teach me, just like he taught you!"

"No," Annie said, sitting up and shaking her head. "Absolutely not. It's out of the question."

"Annie…." Bobby said softly as Ally's face fell.

"But why?" Ally asked. "You go to the range with him. You know he'll teach me all about safety and all that stuff. Why can't I learn?"

"No," Annie repeated. "Guns are a part of your father's work and he has to have them. And because of that he has insisted that I know how to use them, as well. But there is no reason for any of you kids to handle a firearm. It's not going to happen."

"But that's not fair," wailed Ally. "If you need to know how to use a gun, then it should be just as important for me to know, too. I live in this house, too, you know!"

Annie stood up and reached out to put her hand on Ally's shoulder, but the girl jerked away angrily.

"Ally, I know you're upset. But guns are dangerous, they aren't toys, target shooting is not a sport….or it shouldn't be anyway. A gun's first and primary reason for existence is to facilitate death and destruction. I won't have any of my children involved with them in any way."

"That's not fair! You know how to shoot a gun and you don't go around killing people! Dad carries a gun every day and he's never shot anyone! This isn't fair!"

"I don't care if you think it's fair or not," Annie's voice rose with anger and frustration. "It's not going to happen."

"Well, what are you going to do when Andrew becomes a cop, Mom? Tell his bosses he can't carry a gun because they're dangerous? What about me? Maybe I want to be a cop like Dad, too! How are you going to keep me from learning to use a gun then?!"

"Don't be ridiculous! Being a policeman is just a childish dream that Andrew will grow out of. And you have no intention of being one, either!"

"You don't know that!" Ally yelled. "You can't tell me what I can be or not be! You can't run my life!"

"Don't you raise your voice to me, young lady! You asked if you could go to the shooting range and I told you no. End of discussion!"

"But Daddy said….." Ally stopped as Bobby got up and moved to stand between them.

"Ally," he said quietly. "Don't ever raise your voice to your mother, do you understand?" Ally glared mutinously for a moment before nodding her head silently. "OK. Now you need to let us talk about this and you need to go to bed. It's a school night. And tell your brothers to get ready as well. We'll be up in a bit to say good night."

Ally hesitated for a moment, then turned to go upstairs. Bobby faced Annie and they stood staring at one another in silence until the basement door closed behind Ally.

"There's nothing to talk about, Bobby. You are _not_ going to teach her to use a gun!"

"Annie, just calm down and let's talk about this," Bobby said softly.

"There is nothing to talk about," she repeated. "And don't tell me to calm down! This is not going to happen! What were you thinking?!"

"I was thinking," he said evenly, "that you and I would discuss this like adults and then come to a decision together. It's just as important for the kids to know about gun safety as for you, and I think Ally is old enough to learn."

"No!"

"Annie…."

"You are not going to put guns in the hands of my children!"

"They're my children, too, Annie," Bobby said, his voice getting louder and angrier.

"Right! And because they are _our_ children, I've made compromises. I didn't want them to eat meat, but because you do I agreed to let them decide when they were old enough. I wanted them to go to church school, but you didn't want them 'indoctrinated', so I agreed to public school. But I'm not compromising on _this_."

"You aren't the only one who has compromised in this marriage, Annie. I've never objected to you teaching them about your religion or taking them to church. You and I have always shown a united front to our kids, even when we disagree. And we could have done that now, if you had just waited to give Ally an answer, if you had waited until we talked about it."

"And you knew the minute she asked what I was going to say. You could have just told her no to begin with. But no…you told her we would 'talk' about it. You know perfectly well that I'm going to be the bad guy in this. Mean old Mom who won't let her have any fun and poor old Dad who has to go along, even though he would really like to teach her."

"Because I mistakenly thought you and I could talk about this rationally!"

"So now I'm irrational?!" Annie glared up at him, hands on her hips.

Bobby ran his hand across the back of his neck and turned to walk agitatedly around the room before coming to a halt in front of her again.

"Yeah, Annie…you _are_ being irrational. When it comes to guns, you are irrational."

"It's not irrational! I work in an emergency room, Bobby! I see every day what guns do. They kill, that's their only purpose. And you want to take our daughter to the shooting range and have her shoot at a target with a human form on it. No, no, no! I won't stand for it!"

"I am sick and tired of having this conversation! Guns are a part of the real world. Just saying you don't like them and refusing to have anything to do with them doesn't make them go away. There are guns all over this city, and there are guns in this house. _Everyone_ who lives with guns needs to understand how they work and how to handle them. That is basic safety Annie. A _nurse_ should be able to understand safety."

"Well, _this_ nurse understands that _this _cop shouldn't even bring those guns home. _That_ would be safe!"

"And impractical when I get called out at night. I can't run to One PP before I go to a crime scene. You're a cop's wife; you should understand that. Cops have guns in their homes."

"And you can just go on keeping them locked up where the kids can't get them!"

"Ally asked a good question….what are you going to do if Andrew or Ally go into law enforcement?"

"They won't!"

"What happened to all that talk about 'you can be anything you want'? You know Andrew has been talking about it almost since he could talk."

"Andrew is a little boy. All little boys play policeman, but they don't all become policemen. They grow up and grow out of it. And Ally doesn't want to be a cop. She just said that because she was mad at me and thought it would upset me."

"And why would that upset you, Annie?" Bobby's voice dropped so low she had to strain to hear him, and he moved closer to her. "Because they want to be like _me_? Is that such a horrible thing to you?"

"You know that's not true," she protested, backing up until she was almost against the wall. "How many police funerals have we been to, Bobby? I can't bring myself to think about the possibility that one day it might be _your_ funeral. I won't allow my children to follow in those footsteps."

His voice rose again and he moved closer as they locked angry gazes. "_You_ won't allow?! I'm getting a little tired of hearing what _you_ won't allow! This is my house, too. Those are my kids, as much as yours."

"Right! _Your_ kids, _your_ mother, _your_ job. I'm surprised you even bothered to talk to me about taking Ally to the shooting range. It's more your style lately to just let me find out important information by accident from other people!"

"What are you talking about?"

"Captain Deakins, that's what I'm talking about! You never mentioned to me that he was resigning, much less the reason he resigned. Do you know how embarrassing it was to hear it from Sarah, especially when she was assuming I knew all about it? One more thing in your life that you wouldn't share with me.

"Is that why you want to teach Ally to use a gun? Because you're tired of dragging me down there every month? Is that why you encourage her to read to your mother, sing to her…all the things I used to do? Because you don't want me around to do it? So where does it all lead, Bobby? What happens when your mother gets mad at Ally? Is that when you push her out of your life the way you've pushed me out?!"

"God dammit!"

Annie jumped as Bobby's left fist hit the wall behind her. She looked up at him, her eyes wide. But her attention was drawn immediately to his scraped knuckles.

"Bobby! Your hand!" She put her hands on his chest and pushed him towards the couch. "Sit down; I'll get some peroxide to clean that and some ice to stop the swelling."

As Annie ran up the stairs, Bobby leaned his head back on the couch and covered his eyes with his right arm. His left hand was throbbing now, but more painful was the image burned into his brain of Annie's eyes as she looked up at him. For just a few seconds before she looked at his hand and concern for him overrode everything else, he had seen it. Fear. When his fist hit that wall it scared her, and as she looked up at him he could see she was afraid of what else he might do. For a moment he thought he was going to be sick.

"_Nothing says rageaholic like holes in the wall," _Eames had said once while they were searching the apartment of a suspect. He looked over at the wall. There wasn't a hole, but he could still see exactly where he punched it.

Annie returned and knelt in front of him. She quickly cleaned his hand and put an ice pack on it. Bobby watched her blond head bent over his hand and again thought he might be sick. Once she finished, she leaned down to kiss his knuckles, and then sat back on her heels and looked up at him.

"Annie…" His voice was hoarse. "I'm so sorry."

She rose up on her knees and put her arms around his neck. "I know," she whispered.

Bobby pulled away from her and she sat back on her heels.

"Annie….we can't go on like this," he said softly.

"I know," she said, nodding her head. "Maybe….maybe we need to see someone."

"Maybe," he said. "But right now I need to leave."

"Leave?" She frowned in confusion. "Did you get called in? You should tell them you can't, Babe. You should stay here and keep ice on your hand."

Bobby shook his head and gazed down at her tenderly, cupping her face in his right hand.

"No, I don't mean I need to leave for a case. I mean I need to leave….move out."

"Move out?" Annie's eyes widened in shock. "Don't be silly! You aren't moving anywhere!"

"Things just keep getting worse, escalating. I could have hurt you tonight."

She shook her head emphatically. "You _didn't_ hurt me and you wouldn't."

"You need to be realistic here, Annie. You've seen abusive relationships that end up in the ER."

"Yes, I've seen plenty of battered women and abusive men….and that's not us."

"Sounds like denial to me."

She shook her head again. "No, not denial. I know you and I know you would never hurt me."

"Annie, listen to me…."

"No," she cut him off. "You listen to me. You are not moving out and that's final. We will find a marriage counselor and we'll work this out." She raised herself back onto her knees and pulled his head down to hers. "You aren't going anywhere, Robert Goren." She kissed him and he pulled her against him. Finally, she sighed and pulled away. "I'll go up and tell the kids good night. And I'll talk to Ally. Just stay here and keep that ice pack on your hand. I'll come back after I change out of my work clothes and get you another one."

He didn't answer as she stood up and leaned down to kiss him again. He watched her go up the stairs. Leaning his head back, he again covered his eyes with his right arm. The throbbing in his hand didn't hurt as much as the pain in his heart.

**End chapter 14**

12


	15. Chapter 15

**DISINTEGRATION**

**CHAPTER 15**

_This chapter falls just after the end of season 5 and before the beginning of season 6. Thank you to Judy for beta'ing. This chapter is rated M for a very mature scene. _

"Aunt Alex, where does this one go?"

Alex looked at the label on the box that Tom's daughter, Mandy, had carried in. She tried not to notice that her brother and Tom were in danger of scraping the paint off the wall that she had so lovingly painted just last week as they carried her sofa into the living room.

"That goes in my bedroom, the first one on the right."

Tom and his children had joined Alex's family to help her move into the small house she had just bought. Years of living in tiny apartments and saving every dime had finally paid off and Alex bought her very own house. It was small, only two bedrooms, but it was hers and she loved it. After finally admitting they were in love, Tom suggested that she move in with him. But Alex wasn't ready for that, and she was already on track to buy her house. So she went ahead with her plans and told Tom that they had plenty of time for "life altering decisions".

Coming from a small apartment, Alex didn't have a lot of possessions to move, so they finished quickly. They ordered pizza and everyone sat around talking and laughing, Tom's children and Alex's nieces and nephews playing tag among the boxes stacked in each room. Alex's sister teased her mercilessly about the number of shoes she owned…"Your one 'girly-girl' vice," she laughed. Her father made a list of things that needed to be done, inside and outside.

"But the first thing on the list is a security system," he told her. "You should have had one installed before you even moved in."

"I know, Dad, I know," Alex told him with a chuckle. "Don't worry, I'll take care of it."

"I'm a father, worry is what I do," he said gruffly. "Seriously, Alex, you aren't living in an apartment anymore. You don't have neighbors on the other side of a thin wall who will hear if someone breaks in. You don't have a building with a locked door downstairs."

"Hey….remember me? The _cop_?" Alex leaned down and kissed the top of her father's head as she moved past him to sit down next to Tom. "I'll get the security system in soon. I promise." She laughed as one of the children ran into the living room and her small parakeet set up a surprisingly loud and shrill screech. "Meanwhile, I have Polly here as a very effective burglar alarm!"

She settled on the floor and leaned back against Tom's legs as everyone laughed.

"Any word on who will be replacing Deakins?" her father asked.

"Yeah…we don't know exactly when he will get there, but it's a Captain Ross."

"Ross? Danny Ross?"

"Do you know him?" Alex asked.

"No," her father replied. "Never met him. But I've heard of him. I hear he's a good cop. I don't envy him taking over Major Case."

"Why not?" Alex asked with a frown.

"Well…Deakins was pretty well liked by the people under him. Some of them probably won't be too sure about a new guy. And then he's gonna have to deal with Goren and Logan."

"Hey!" Alex objected. "Goren and I have the highest solve rate in the squad. And you are the one who told me what a hero Logan was ten years ago."

"I didn't say they aren't good cops; they are," Johnny Eames said. "But you know yourself the kind of rep that Goren has….not always the easiest guy to work with. And Logan may be a hero to peons like me, but that doesn't mean he's a hero to the guys over him. I'm just saying it won't be easy for a new captain to take over, is all."

Once the pizza had been devoured, her family began to leave for their own homes, until just Tom, Aaron, and Mandy were left. Aaron and Mandy went into the postage stamp size backyard to "explore" while Tom helped Alex begin to unpack the boxes in the kitchen.

"I thought Bobby and Annie were going to come and help with the move," Tom said.

"Yeah, they were. But something came up and they couldn't make it."

"Anything serious?"

"I don't know. Bobby was kind of….vague. I get the feeling that something is going on with those two."

"You mean problems in their marriage?"

"Maybe," Alex said slowly. "I just don't know. Bobby's even more closed-mouthed than normal. Annie has canceled our last two gym dates." She shrugged. "I don't want to pry, so I haven't asked. But….I'm worried about them."

"Well, every marriage has ups and downs. Maybe this is just a down time for them and it'll get better soon."

"Yeah…I hope so."

Alex smiled as she felt Tom come up behind her. He leaned down and wrapped his arms around her waist, nuzzling her neck.

"Hey, in case I forgot to say it before, Detective: Congratulations on your new home."

She let her head fall back against his shoulder and closed her eyes.

"Thank you." She smiled and added, "I love you Tom Spencer."

"I love you, Alexandra Eames."

**********************************************************************

"Annie, we need to talk."

Bobby was standing in the doorway of their bedroom, watching Annie as she bent over the sewing machine. She turned to him and smiled.

"Sure, Babe."

She turned to face him as he sat down on the love seat. He rested his elbows on his knees and leaned towards her. He had tried to have this conversation several times, but she always refused to discuss it. He needed to try to make her understand.

"That night….when I punched the wall…we need to deal with that."

Annie sighed and nodded her head. "I know we do. I told you that I trust you. I know you would never hurt me." When he started to speak, she hurried to add, "But you're right…we need to deal with it. We'll go see a marriage counselor. I talked to my pastor and he gave me a list of counselors. I'll make some calls and set up an appointment."

Now it was Bobby's turn to sigh. "A pastor? Annie…I want help with our marriage. I'm not looking for someone to save my soul."

"These aren't pastors…they are family and marriage counselors. I won't ask you to see anyone you're not comfortable with, OK?"

"OK." He reached out and took her hand. "But we need to do something else. I need to…"

"No!" She jerked her hand out of his. "Don't say it again! You are not leaving!"

"I'm not talking about divorce, Annie. I'm just talking about a temporary separation. And it's not just about punching the wall. You know things are bad. We can't be in the same room for five minutes without fighting. I…we both need some time alone to just get some peace and try to figure out where we go from here."

Annie stood up. "You want 'time alone', Bobby? Fine, I'll leave you alone to 'try to figure out where we go from here'. _But you are not moving out!_"

With that, she turned and stormed from the bedroom. Bobby watched her leave and sat staring at the doorway for several minutes. Finally he sighed and buried his face in his hands. _Where _do _we go from here,_ he wondered.

**********************************************************************

Mike heard the insistent knocking on his door and moved to look through the peep hole. Sarah was standing outside his apartment and she looked upset. He sighed. He had been expecting this since Captain Deakins announced he was leaving the NYPD. He was surprised it had taken so long. He knew she must be angry with him, blaming him for what had happened to her favorite uncle. He opened the door, resigned to letting her fury burn itself out.

"We need to talk," Sarah said as she swept into the apartment. Mike closed the door and followed her into the living room, where she was pacing agitatedly.

"Sarah," he began, "I'm sorry, I really am. I never meant to hurt your uncle. He means a lot to me and if I had known that I would be the cause of any trouble for him, I would have never left Staten Island."

Sarah had dropped her purse onto a chair and turned to face him. She stood frowning at him, hands on her hips, as he spoke. When he finished, she quickly closed the distance between them and before Mike realized what she was doing she put both of her hands on his chest and shoved as hard as she could. Surprise and the force of her push caught him off guard and propelled him backwards. He lost his balance and fell to the floor, where he stared up at her, stunned, as she stood over him.

"Mike Logan," she said firmly, "I am in love with you!"

"Wha….?" Mike sat up and tried to get up, only to be pushed back onto the floor by her foot on his chest.

"I said: I. Am. In. Love. With. You. Do you need a dictionary for the big words, Detective?"

"Sarah," he said and tried to sit up, but again she pushed him back down. "Oh God, Sarah…don't make this harder than it has to be. You know this won't work."

"No I don't know that. I know that I'm in love with you. And I know that you are a big fat coward. Scared of a little girl!"

"Sar…." Once again he tried to sit up and once again she planted her foot on his chest and shoved him back down.

"I'm in love with you," she repeated.

Frustrated now, Mike tried to sit up and when she moved to push him again, he grabbed her foot and pulled her off balance. With a squeak, Sarah lost her balance and tumbled down on top of him. Mike sat up and grabbed her wrists, pinning them behind her back. She struggled to get free, but Mike sat up with her on his lap and held her arms firmly behind her.

"Just listen to me," he said. She finally stopped struggling and they stared at one another for a moment, chests heaving as they caught their breath. "I thought," he said softly, "that you came over here to yell at me for ruining your uncle's career."

She shook her head. "No, because you didn't ruin it. Uncle Jimmy told me all about it. Frank Adair is responsible for what happened to him and he is the only person Uncle Jimmy blames."

Now Mike shook his head and couldn't meet her eyes. "I know the captain will never say it was my fault, but deep down he knows."

"My uncle has never been someone who says one thing and means another. And what he told me is that Mike Logan is one of the best cops he's ever worked with."

Mike looked up at her in surprise. "He said that? Now?"

"Yes, now," she said softly. "And he also said that you aren't just a good cop, but that you are a good guy……and that I should talk to you."

"Sarah," he said. "You know why I…."

"I know why you're scared," she told him. "But I also know that the fear is all in your own head. My uncle is right….you _are_ a good guy….one of the best I've ever met in my life. And I was married for fifteen years to one of the best, so I should know." He looked at her and she continued. "I know that no matter what 'anger issues' or 'authority issues' you might have, there is no way you could ever hurt a child. I want you in my life, Mike Logan. And I want you in my daughter's life."

She leaned her head to rest her forehead against his. Mike closed his eyes as he battled with his self-doubt. Sarah began to drop light kisses all over his face as she whispered, "I love you," over and over. He still held her hands behind her and he tightened his grip as her mouth finally came to rest on his, pushing his lips open with her tongue. He felt the warmth of her mouth on his, her tongue teasing his, her soft groan against his lips.

"Sarah…" he whispered, pulling back slightly.

"I love you," she whispered back, capturing his mouth again.

He let go of her wrists and pulled her against him. She wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him even more passionately.

"Sarah, I can't….we shouldn't…."

"I love you," she interrupted.

"God, Sarah….I love you too," he said, pulling her even closer against him.

He tasted her tears as she pressed more kisses on his face, moving to kiss his throat as well. She pushed him again, gently this time, and he didn't resist. He lay back on the floor and Sarah straddled him, continuing to kiss his throat. Her fingers shook as she unbuttoned his shirt and her lips moved over his chest. His hands rested on her waist and he lay still, reveling in the feel of her lips and her tongue on his skin, her teeth gently nipping. His fingers dug into her waist and he groaned as her mouth closed over one of his nipples. His right hand moved from her waist and slid under her skirt. He felt her shiver as his fingers lightly brushed along her thigh and then it was her turn to groan as he began rubbing her through her underwear, the lace damp with her desire.

She sat up and pulled her top off, watching his face as he watched her. He withdrew his hand from under her skirt and both hands came up to cup her lace-covered breasts. His thumbs moved in gentle circles over her nipples and she whimpered and arched against his hands. Grasping his wrists, she reluctantly pulled his hands away and pushed them to the floor on either side of his head. Holding him prisoner, she leaned down and kissed him again.

"No touching," she whispered against his lips and released his hands.

She kissed her way back over his jaw, his throat, his chest. She moved lower to kiss his stomach, reveling in the toned muscles and the beginning of middle-aged paunch. Her lips paused at the edge of his pants and her hands began to unbuckle his belt.

Watching the top of her dark hair as she moved lower and lower, it took every ounce of Mike's self control not to grab her and roll her underneath his very needy body. He closed his eyes as he felt her tugging at his belt, unzipping his fly. He lifted his hips as her fingers caught the waistband of his pants and his boxers and slid them down and off. He kept his eyes closed and relished the feel of her breath against his skin, the brush of her lips as she kissed his stomach, his thighs, slowly moving nearer, nearer…..He gasped as he felt a light kiss on the head of his penis, then more kisses along it's length. When she finally took him into the wet warmth of her mouth, he could no longer keep his hands away. His fingers tangled in her hair and he thrust into her mouth as she sucked, gently at first, then harder, firmer. Her fingers gently cupped him, lightly trailed her fingernails over him. He knew it would be over soon if he didn't stop her.

"Sarah, stop!" he finally cried.

Dropping one more trail of kisses along his length, she kissed her way back up his stomach, then his chest, his throat, finding at last his mouth. He held her tightly as they kissed long and passionately. His fingers moved to the zipper on her skirt and slid it down. She sat up and helped him pull it up and over her head. He reached behind her and unclasped her bra, his eyes drinking in the sight of her bare breasts. He pulled her down to kiss her again and finally did what he had been aching to do since she began kissing him; he rolled over on top of her.

Sarah's arms held him tightly and her fingers dug into his back as they continued to kiss. Mike held her wrists next to her head and whispered with a grin, "No touching!" His hands slid along her arms to her waist, then cupped her breasts while he kissed her. Now it was his turn to kiss and nibble her ear lobes, her throat, along one shoulder, then the other. His hands were still cupping her breasts as he kissed from her shoulder to her breast. She arched against him as he kissed around her nipple, but didn't touch it, moving instead to her other breast, to repeat the motions.

When he finally drew one nipple into his mouth, she cried out. He kissed, licked, and nibbled on first one then the other, moving back and forth until Sarah was sure she would go out of her mind. He kissed the valley between her breasts and moved lower, across her belly, pausing to gently nip the sensitive area around her navel. He paused at the waistband of her panties just as she had done to his. But when she moved to lift her hips so he could slide them off, her breath caught in her throat at the sensation of a forceful tug and the sound of the lace ripping. Then his fingers were pushing her open and his tongue was grazing her, his teeth gently but firmly tugging. When two fingers broke into her, she grabbed his hair and cried out. Before she could think she was climaxing hard around his fingers, against his mouth.

In the haze following her orgasm, she was vaguely aware of Mike rising up, pulling a package from the pocket of his discarded pants, and slipping a condom on. Suddenly he was kissing her hard and at the same time he slid into her. She brought her knees up so that he moved deeper inside her and he hooked his elbows under her knees, planting his hands on the floor next to her shoulders. That position brought him so deep within her it almost hurt. Almost. He began to thrust into her, increasing in speed and strength. In that position she wasn't able to move her hips more than a wiggle, but he didn't seem to need any help from her. She reached around his back and held him tightly.

She felt another climax building and her head arched back against the floor. She cried out this time as it exploded through her and she dimly heard Mike cry out as he quickly followed her over the edge. He continued to thrust until the spasms subsided. Unhooking his arms, he let her legs fall limply to the floor as he collapsed on top of her.

Sarah didn't know how long they lay there, wet with sweat, hearts beating rapidly. When Mike moved as though to roll his weight off of her, she tightened her arms around him and wrapped her legs around him.

"Don't go," she whispered.

They lay for several more minutes and then Mike propped himself on his arms and looked down at her face, flushed with pleasure. He gently brushed her hair away from her face and leaned down to kiss her.

"Can you stay with me tonight," he asked softly.

Her eyes fluttered open and she smiled up at him.

"No, I have to go home," she whispered. "But you can come to my house for dinner tomorrow night. With Jia Li and me."

He closed his eyes and dropped his head to rest his forehead against hers.

"OK," he said. "I surrender. I'll be there."

"Good boy, Logan," she whispered against his ear.

**********************************************************************

On the drive from Connecticut back to New York, Annie thought about the difficulties in her marriage. Things had deteriorated drastically. Since the night Bobby punched the wall, he had tried to talk to her about a temporary separation. But Annie steadfastly refused to discuss it, telling him it was not an option and they just needed time to work things through. She had been looking forward to this week with the children at Grandpa's. She had taken the week off work hoping the time alone would provide her and Bobby the opportunity to reconnect. She had narrowed her search for a marriage counselor down to three and she would discuss them with Bobby before making an appointment.

As she pulled the SUV into the driveway, she noticed that the trunk of Bobby's Mustang was open. She got out and walked over to his car. Inside the trunk were boxes of books, old dishes, pots and pans that they used for camping, old towels and bed linens. Inside the car she saw a suitcase and a garment bag. Her heart beat faster as she turned to go in the house.

It was quiet inside, but she heard the soft sounds of Bobby moving around in the bedroom upstairs. She quietly went up the stairs and stood in the open doorway of the bedroom. Bobby had a suitcase open on the bed and he was placing folded clothing in it. He turned towards her and they stood looking at one another for a moment.

Annie finally found her voice. "What are you doing, Bobby?"

"You know what I'm doing, Annie." His voice was soft. "I told you that I need to leave; just for a while."

"No," she said, coming into the room. "You said that you wanted to _talk_ about leaving. We haven't talked about it."

"Because you refuse to talk. But I meant what I said. I need to get away for a while, to think through things."

Annie shook her head. "Leaving won't help anything. You can 'think through things' here."

"Annie…."

"No," she said again. "You don't leave. You aren't your father."

She saw him stiffen at the reference to his father, but he didn't comment. He moved to the dresser and began stacking more clothes on top to put in the suitcase. Annie walked over to the bed and took a stack of tee-shirts and underwear out. She carried them to the dresser and began putting them in a drawer.

"Annie…stop," he said wearily.

"No…_you_ stop," she said as she carried more clothing from the suitcase to the dresser. "This isn't how we do things. It isn't how _you_ do things."

Bobby moved to stand behind her as she opened a dresser drawer. He reached around her and gently took hold of her wrists, stopping her from putting the clothes in the drawer. She looked in the mirror at him standing behind her, his brown eyes sad as they looked into hers. A tingle of fear lit in the pit of her stomach when she saw his face set with resolve. _This isn't possible_, she thought, her blues eyes filling with tears.

"You. Don't. Leave."

The fear beginning to strum through her was evident in her voice and Bobby closed his eyes and rested his forehead against the back of her head for a moment. Lifting his head, he tenderly turned her around to face him. He held her hands between his and kissed her forehead.

"Annie," he said softly, "this is only temporary."

The tears spilled down her cheeks and she closed her eyes, shaking her head. He released her hands and reached behind her for the clothes she had just taken from his suitcase. She covered her face with her hands, the sounds of him moving around the room a whisper. She felt him open the drawer next to her and lift out the tee shirts, moving back to the bed to put them in the suitcase. She didn't move, didn't look up, as he finished packing. At the sound of the suitcase zipping closed she finally looked up at him. Moving to stand between Bobby and the door, her mind raced to think of some way to stop this.

"W…where are you going?"

"I rented an apartment."

"You….you rented an apartment?"

He nodded. "A studio, third-story walk-up…..It's not much, but it was the cheapest I could find, and it's close to the subway."

She shook her head, trying to make sense of this information. "You rented an apartment," she repeated. "When?"

"Last week."

"Last week? How….how long have you been….planning this?"

"Since the night I punched the wall. I told you that night, Annie."

"But…..a month? You've been planning to leave for a month?"

"Annie," he said patiently, "I _told_ you that night. I've been telling you for a month, but you won't listen to me. You won't talk about it. I knew I had to do this; I wanted to discuss it, to plan how to tell the kids, try to make it a little easier on them. But you wouldn't let me discuss it, you refused to even listen. So I had to plan it myself. That's why I waited until the kids went to Connecticut"

"The kids?" Her voice was choked as she fought the sobs now making her chest hurt. "You….you think this will be _easier_ for them?"

He rubbed his hand through his hair in frustration. "I know it's not going to be _easy_ for them, for any of us. But, yes, I think this is better than having them all here watching me pack my car and drive away." He picked up the suitcase and said, "I'll call you and we'll talk about how to tell the kids. I….I have to go now."

But as he moved towards the door, Annie stepped closer to him and put her hands on his chest. It was hard to get the words out because she was crying so hard now.

"B…Bobby, wait! P…please, please….just wait. Y…you don't have to do this." She looked up at him imploringly. "We said we would see a counselor….we can do that. I'll make an appointment tomorrow!"

"Annie, don't do this. We can see a counselor, but right now I need to leave."

"No!" She shook her head and tried to push him back. Bobby set the suitcase down and gently extricated her hands from his shirt. "Please," she said desperately. "Please….I….I know I've been hard to be around. I know….I've been moody and I snap at you….and I push and I….don't….I don't listen. Please, Bobby….I'll stop….I promise!"

He pulled her against him and wrapped his arms around her. Her sobs were muffled against his chest.

"Annie, don't…." He took her shoulders and pushed her away, holding her at arm's length. "Don't you understand, Babe? I'm not doing this because I'm angry with you. I'm doing this to protect you. I realized when I punched that wall that night how easily you could have been hurt. I can't take that chance."

He dropped his hands and they stood looking at one another, her face wet with tears and her expressive eyes full of pain. For several moments the only sound was Annie's ragged breathing.

"There's nothing more I can say, Annie."

He picked up the suitcase and stepped past her through the bedroom door. She watched in disbelief as he moved away from her.

"Bobby!" His name was a sob as she caught up with him just as he reached the top of the stairs. She grabbed the back of his shirt with both hands and pulled him back. Bobby stumbled slightly and lost his grip on the suitcase. It bounced once, then tipped onto its side and slid down the stairs to the bottom landing. Bobby turned around and now Annie grasped the front of his shirt tightly in her fists, trying to pull him towards her. She tried to plead with him, but she was crying so hard that she couldn't get any words out. "Pl…p…p…"

She couldn't catch her breath; her chest felt like it was on fire as she gasped. Bobby was speaking to her but his voice was drowned out by the loud buzzing in her ears and his face was blurry as the periphery of her vision darkened and closed in. Her fingers tingled and her feet were numb. Annie's legs buckled and Bobby caught her around the waist, lowering her to her knees. She leaned her forehead against his chest and tried to take a deep breath, but couldn't get the air in. Bobby lowered her to the floor and said something that she couldn't hear. Then she was alone, bracing herself with her forearms on the floor. Fear that he had left her made her chest tighten even more. Suddenly he was there again, lifting her upper body off the floor. He pulled her against him and she felt something against her mouth and her nose. A paper bag…he was holding a paper bag over her mouth and nose, as he murmured softly to her.

"Just breathe into the bag, Annie. Try to take a deep breath….that's it, deeper….now another one, slow and deep. It's OK, Baby, it's OK."

Gradually it became easier to breathe; the feeling returned to her extremities and she could hear Bobby now. Her breathing slowed and Bobby shifted so that she was sitting on his lap, her face against his chest. She pushed the bag away and continued to cry softly. They sat like that for a long time before Annie looked up at him, finally able to speak through her tears.

"Please, Bobby," she whispered. "Please don't do this."

Her pain was reflected back in his brown eyes as he gazed at her. Holding her face between his hands, he kissed each of her eyes. He pulled a handkerchief out of his pocket and soothingly wiped her wet face. He leaned his forehead against hers for a moment and then took a deep breath.

"I know that there is nothing I can say that will make you believe this, Annie. But I'm not doing this to hurt you. I'm doing it to protect you. And I have to go…now."

He tenderly kissed her forehead and stood up, gently extricating her hands from his shirt and pushing her off his lap. She sat on the top step and looked up at him through her tears. As he started down the stairs, Annie realized she couldn't watch him leave and buried her face against her knees.

At the bottom landing, Bobby picked up the suitcase and turned to look back up at her. She was sitting on the top step, her arms wrapped around her legs and her face buried against her knees. Her shoulders shook with her sobs. He gripped the banister so tightly that his knuckles turned white, trying to prevent himself from dropping the suitcase and rushing back up the stairs to sweep her into his arms.

But he had made his decision, and he knew it was the right one. Annie couldn't see it, but he could. The day he punched the wall, Annie refused to believe it meant anything. But he knew. Although he hadn't had any desire to hit her, the fact that he became so angry that he lost control and punched the wall had terrified him. Even if he didn't intend to hit Annie or the children, what if next time one of them was too close and got hurt? He couldn't….he wouldn't take that chance. Until he was convinced his family was safe around him, he had to leave.

He looked at her again, tempted to try once more to explain it to her. At the very least he wanted to hold her until she wasn't so upset. But he knew that however long he put it off, this would be her reaction. Staying would only prolong her torture. And his. Sighing deeply, he gripped the suitcase and turned to descend the last few steps to the living room. This time he didn't look back, but opened the front door and walked out.

**End season 5**

_To all of my buddies who have been following this story with me, I am so grateful for all your kind and encouraging comments. I hate to leave you with a cliff-hanger but I need to take a break before beginning the season 6 story. Hopefully it won't be a long break. But I have a new grandbaby coming next month and my daughter has requested two crocheted baby blankets from me, which I have barely begun. _

_So I am going to concentrate on making the blankets for little Jacob Anthony, while I watch season 6 again….that's my kind of multi-tasking! On the positive side, I know exactly where I'm going with season 6 and season 7 (season 8 is still a bit murky), and even have quite a few scenes written already. So once I begin writing in earnest, I should be able to get the chapters up fairly quickly. Thanks again everyone!_

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